Can't Seem To Move Forward
I had the entire weekend off without asking ,but was looking forward to it nonetheless. I was up late then slept in forever, I had plans of finally tackling going through some more of the neverending accumulation of stuff left in this house. I have this same plan for ever day I am off. But I procrastinate. First I grab an instant breakfast and my meds and play a game or two on my phone. (also check on here for messages but they are few and far between anymore.)
I do a little bit here and there, but usually til I am done with laundry and basic cooking and cleanup, I don't feel like tackling anything. It is too overwhelming and I don't know where to begin. Even if I do start somewhere, I can never seem to finish a room. So I plan in my head and put it off longer.
I think part of this may be because I really don't want to deal with it. Just as Dave shut down all those years ago, I had begun doing that with alot as well. But for me it was because of my depression with being the one responsible for everything. I would leave the mail pile up (until he would finally at least go through some of that) Now, here I am again (or rather yet) First of all I don't do well with decision making, and with alot of stuff now is not like before. Can't donate alot of places or things anymore. I think of a possibility of someone looking for something at a yard sale, but truth be known . I am not too eager to tackle on a big sale with a ton of work on the off chance someone may look for a specific item. There are some bigger items I will list on a local yard sale site first.
Another part is me having to still deal with it all again, I initially had offers to help me, now noone says a word and I can't either because all have their own lives ... plus the holidays to deal with. So I just shut myself up in my house, watching my Netflix and trying to forget about everything. I think initially I was more eager because I saw light at the end of my tunnel and a new start. But the fact is, I am not exactly sure where I want to go. So I stay here and just go through the motions . (Something I swore I would never do. )
As much as I want a new start, I am afraid I may make the wrong choice and things will be no better. Of course I realize this is worse right now because of the loneliness of the holiday season. All my life I wanted someone to share everything with... including the decisions and work. It is incredibly hard when it has always fallen just on me. I am just so tired amd it is far easier for me to put it off. Instead of coping, I turn to whatever I find to make me feel better (even if just temporarily) I would rather chat, play games, turn to a favorite movie or food to make me feel better. Lately even bought a new toy and have been breaking that in.... In the end, I am still left feeling as empty, unsatisfied and hopeless. Is very frustrating. I don't know what it will take for me to allow myself to get past this?
Replies
I'm sorry. This actually sounds like part of the grieving process. Do you know about Griefshare? It's a support group, which helped me after my daughter died and again after I lost my husband. See if there's a group meeting near you at https://www.griefshare.org/ If not right now, maybe when things open up again. The website also offers free daily e-mail encouragement. Meanwhile, give yourself room to breathe. Relax, don't put pressure on yourself. One thing that helps me with huge tasks is making a detailed list of every little step. Then I tackle just one little bit at a time and I feel good when I can cross it off the list. My brother, who lived with me 2 years, died November 20, very suddenly, probably a heart attack. So I'm facing the same thing you are. My entire basement, finished room and storage area, is jammed with his things. It's overwhelming, but I've taken a couple of baby steps in disposing of stuff. I shipped his pellet guns to our brother on Friday, and tomorrow I ship the ammunition. Later I'll have my grandson pack up some movies to sell at a gamestop store. It's going to take a year to clear it all out, I think. But I can whittle it down an inch at a time. You can do the same, when you feel up to it. May the Lord give you comfort and strength. Never forget that He loves you, even when no one else is around.
My dear friend I am so saddened to hear this yet at the same I myself am living a similar life. Your words really struck a cord with being afraid to move forward because you are afraid of making the wrong choice. I feel the exact same way so here I am stuck. I too avoid and comfort myself with food and netflix! Loss is so painful no matter what the cause. I in no way mean to lessen your loss due to death but I find that I myself am in mourning, I'm mourning a marriage, I'm mourning the loss of the man I thought my husband was. Lady you are a very strong woman and there is still a light at the end of the tunnel for you. Don't judge yourself, love and forgive yourself and realize that although you have a long process ahead of you, you will get through this. Keep doing nice things for yourself and understand it's ok to procrastinate at times, It could be your mind's way of just letting you know it might not be ready to deal with stuff right now. Your words have helped so many of us on DS and we all wish you the best. We see you for the wonderful, kind woman you are. Covid and the holiday season have made everything a bit more difficult to deal with, I find both causing me to reminisce. Try to remember the good times and realize you'll have more ahead. Like foodcooppres said, baby steps. All you can do is the best you can for each day you live it. Some days your best will see you soar and others you may end up in bed for most of the day, but that was the best you could do for that day! You need rest, relaxation, self-reflection. I hope you realize the gem that you are. Sending love and hugs
Kim, what if you thought about the choices as neither right nor wrong, but simply decisions made based on the information at hand? If it ends up not working out, correct and move forward. That is what everyone does. Having another person to help make the decision in some ways complicates it. Just trying to offer a different way to look at it.
I think there may be grieving here but also it being the holidays and this COVID bullshit adds to the weight of it all.
Maybe try doing smaller tasks that are easy to accomplish to get some momentum going. I just brought a bunch of clothes to Good Will so there are places open to donate stuff right now. In my personal opinion a yard sale just sounds like a lot of work for little pay off. Plus then you have to just hold on to the stuff even longer.
Maybe once the holidays are over with it won’t seem so overwhelming. Might help
to talk to someone about things too, like a therapist.
rmb...you said it beautifully I was prepared to to write but you took the words out of my mouth....
Hugs Kim.
Kim, I can totally relate....procrastination is one of the hallmarks of my dysfunctional existence. Sometimes you just hafta give yourself permission to be unproductive at times, understanding that there are emotional components at work right now. I agree w/the others, I think it will pass and by this time next month, you will be TCB, baby!
As far as those choices (I am afraid my years of dysfunction have surrounded me with many who do judge every action I take. ) I think this is a big part of me thinking and rethinking ... add the fact that I have been stifled into believing that no change is the safe way to go. ... that fear did control me for years.
AS many of you know, I have come a long way in taking these baby steps and trying to begin this journey and actually live and look forward to my life. It is just right now I am stuck and hiding out. In this season where we all search and hope for some comfort and joy (especially this year) it is extremely hard when finding neither. I am hanging in and muddling through and hoping you all may be right that it will pass and I will continue my journey forward.
Two days ago I got a message saying that the nursing home that Dave was in for a few months (iv antibiotics) well over a year ago had come across a few items of his and they are sending them to me. Yes, just what I need... more reminders. Obviously that did not help my frame of mind. I am remembering many good memories (but some bad as well) I think of what you all say about not living in the past... I'm not completely sure, but I think it is expected in some form to be reminiscent of times gone by. I think it may sometimes help us heal, or to reflect and see the error of our ways so as not to do it again. b (in my case was to judge and beat myself up...definitely gotta work on that one. )
Just so you know, my first go to place was here. (As it usually is) For some reason I had typed a similar, lengthy message , but could not access to send it. I felt like I was cut off from my last friend. But a short time later had no issues getting on the site. For me, even as I do isolate < I still need to believe someone does care, understand and I can still reach out. And to all of you kind souls=== you have gone a long way in earning your wings and gold stars. And I do appreciate it so. lol
PS Liferuin-- you may not know me well enough yet to know I am an old blonde (Who does often fall back on that excuse when asking silly questions. lol) I am just curious as to what TCB stands for ? (Lord, I hope it's something good. -- silly smile here)
Thanks again for the love and support. Not sure where I would be without it right now.