can't remember...

i've mentioned this before but i get so frustrated with myself.....this month is the month of my first rape.....i wrack my brain and i can't remember certain things that happened.....i get so mad at myself....what happened before i froze?? did i try to run?? when he pinned me to the bed by my breasts why didn't i take the towel out of my mouth??? at the halfway mark when he actually let me go why didn't i just up and run before he pinned me back down??? what happened when he got off me AFTER 2 and 1/2 hours??? did i cry and stay on his bed?? i remember him throwing me to the ground me tossing me my clothes and getting dressed and then pulling me close to him.....i'm so mad at myself!!!!! why can't i remember?????!!!!!! will i ever stop asking myself these questions?????!!!!! i feel like such an idiot