Can't fit in
I am a misfit. I always have been. I was the new kid in grade school in a little bitty town of people who had all been born together. I was the nerd in high school, too smart to fit in. I was the person who was 10 years younger than all the neighbors as a young adult. The one girl in a family of all boys, the mom of just boys, the one who couldn’t play sports, the one who doesn’t like video games, pizza, or soda. The girl who doesn’t like to cook, doesn’t know anything applying make up, doesn’t understand thread counts and can’t fold a fitted sheet. I fit no where.
But sometimes as I am trying to fit my square peg into a round hole I feel like people like and appreciate who I am and that I try to be a part of something. Then I usually find out I am wrong and get crushed.
So this week I found out my soon to be daughter in laws parents don’t like me. She is a member of a cultish church. My son joined. I have a couple friends who are members and I have attended meetings and such and it has never been an issue. I accept their beliefs just fine. I just don’t join. Well their weddings are private, no non members, but my son and daughter in law want a civil marragie too so we can attend. Since I see that as the “real” wedding it isn’t a problem and I haven’t peeped a single protest. I met her parents twice and they said they really liked us. Seemed to appreciate how accepting I am. Well my daughter in law decided she might do the civil ceremony before the churc h one “so we could be there”. Her parents got all bent out of shape and said they knew “we would always be a problem.”
Then a group I have belonged to for 4 years…well it is complicated, but one person suggested changing the rules. It is a fighting game and I don’t fight. But we don’t fight rough just light stuff, so I knid of run a lot and drift around the fringes and people kind of ingnore me. Sometimes I get hit, but they are all pretty careful of me. Most are in their 20s and I am 46, but my kids asked me to play and I felt like I have carved out aniche for myself and thought most of the players admired I was trying.
Now they want full contact fighting. I can’t do that. People are chosing sides and it is just my family fighting for me. Since my oldest son is head of the game it puts him in a position of choosing his mom or his friends. I don’t know if he is choosing my side because he wants me there or just because I am his mom.
The girl who started this is 26 and good at the game. For the last 6 months I have been her “sidekick”. I asked if we could try it and she said sure. Thought we were both having fun with it. I sure was. I am always on the outskirts of the game, but linked ot her I was in on everything. It was neat and she was so friendly and always making sure I could keep up with her.
Then on Facebook by her “People already complain that there's not enough rules to put them on equal footing with competent fighters in Syngia. LARP is a physical sport. It takes effort to get good at it. There's a few people that this is a really unpopular opinion with, but that's how it is. We may lose a few players, but those are non combative types anyway.”
Since I am the only non combat in game this is obviously me. I guess she doesn’t care if I play or not, or rather is hoping I leave. Stupid I know, but I feel so betrayed and hurt. I knew these people were my son’s friends not mine, but I really thought they at least wanted me to play the game with them.
I am feeling so unliked and insecure this morning and it is the first morning since my younest’s summer job is over. He is supposed to start coming to church with me again, but he was posting on Facebook at 2am and I bet he won’t get up. So not up for a fight today.
Oh and Friday my middle son was supposed to come over and didn’t show up. He said his wife didn’t have to work like he thought she did. Gee guess she didn’t want to come over….
Nobody likes me everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms….
But sometimes as I am trying to fit my square peg into a round hole I feel like people like and appreciate who I am and that I try to be a part of something. Then I usually find out I am wrong and get crushed.
So this week I found out my soon to be daughter in laws parents don’t like me. She is a member of a cultish church. My son joined. I have a couple friends who are members and I have attended meetings and such and it has never been an issue. I accept their beliefs just fine. I just don’t join. Well their weddings are private, no non members, but my son and daughter in law want a civil marragie too so we can attend. Since I see that as the “real” wedding it isn’t a problem and I haven’t peeped a single protest. I met her parents twice and they said they really liked us. Seemed to appreciate how accepting I am. Well my daughter in law decided she might do the civil ceremony before the churc h one “so we could be there”. Her parents got all bent out of shape and said they knew “we would always be a problem.”
Then a group I have belonged to for 4 years…well it is complicated, but one person suggested changing the rules. It is a fighting game and I don’t fight. But we don’t fight rough just light stuff, so I knid of run a lot and drift around the fringes and people kind of ingnore me. Sometimes I get hit, but they are all pretty careful of me. Most are in their 20s and I am 46, but my kids asked me to play and I felt like I have carved out aniche for myself and thought most of the players admired I was trying.
Now they want full contact fighting. I can’t do that. People are chosing sides and it is just my family fighting for me. Since my oldest son is head of the game it puts him in a position of choosing his mom or his friends. I don’t know if he is choosing my side because he wants me there or just because I am his mom.
The girl who started this is 26 and good at the game. For the last 6 months I have been her “sidekick”. I asked if we could try it and she said sure. Thought we were both having fun with it. I sure was. I am always on the outskirts of the game, but linked ot her I was in on everything. It was neat and she was so friendly and always making sure I could keep up with her.
Then on Facebook by her “People already complain that there's not enough rules to put them on equal footing with competent fighters in Syngia. LARP is a physical sport. It takes effort to get good at it. There's a few people that this is a really unpopular opinion with, but that's how it is. We may lose a few players, but those are non combative types anyway.”
Since I am the only non combat in game this is obviously me. I guess she doesn’t care if I play or not, or rather is hoping I leave. Stupid I know, but I feel so betrayed and hurt. I knew these people were my son’s friends not mine, but I really thought they at least wanted me to play the game with them.
I am feeling so unliked and insecure this morning and it is the first morning since my younest’s summer job is over. He is supposed to start coming to church with me again, but he was posting on Facebook at 2am and I bet he won’t get up. So not up for a fight today.
Oh and Friday my middle son was supposed to come over and didn’t show up. He said his wife didn’t have to work like he thought she did. Gee guess she didn’t want to come over….
Nobody likes me everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms….
Replies
I have felt this way my whole life.I think i gave up trying to fit in.still it hurts sometimes to feel unlikable.Your such a good mom for your boys.You really do so much to stay connected and are very tolerant of their gf\'s families.i\'m sorry you are hurt by the gf\'s familys remarks.I think your very likable..:)..i\'m sure others feel that way too..hang in there..:)
I too have felt this way most of my life. It\'s just so hard for me to make friends and I don\'t know why that is.
I just hate it when everything seems to come at once and doesn\'t give you time to get your footing before the next wave comes along. Sounds like the in-laws are always \'going to be a problem\'.