Can't Do This Anymore-Therapy 4

So just go home from therapy. And it went well, but I really feel I need to be myself and the only way I can do that is by telling my mom. And I'm just so nervous and worried about what she may think that I can't bring myself to do that. I have really no clue about how to go about telling her and I know that in order for me to be true to myself, I need to tell her sooner rather than later. I just can't handle this anymore. We were talking during therapy, and the thought just popped in my mind, "I'm gonna go home and just walk straight up to her and tell her" but I knew I couldn't do that. And when I got home my stepdad was sitting in the room with her. I don't want him around, especially for this. Ugh, I really just don't know what to do. I pulled into the garage, thinking what I might tell her where I was. I walked in rather somber, think she could tell that, and just told her I went to a friends. I have written a letter for her to read that explains everything, but I don't know when to give it to her. And now I'm not even sure that's how I want to go about it now. I really feel I just need to get out of here for a while and get my head straight. I wish I was younger and never broke my leg. Maybe then I'd already be female. Maybe then I'd be out with my family. I need someone here. Someone that can help me come out to her. She's my only support here, and I need support so I don't lose her support, if that makes any sense. I really just can't live this lie anymore that I'm a male. 
 
On the positive note, I told her about being Rachel :) She said I looked different too, don't know how really lol. Probably just weight loss I'm assuming. Ugh, I'm just frustrated right now. Gonna leave this journal short.