Can't come up with good title
Currently on mini vacation visiting child put of state. Been texting my friend all day with updates. She started by asking how things were. My daughter was having a hard time with work and life s few weeks ago when I booked the trip. So friend was concerned.
Exchanging texts like these had become our norm. Nothing about love or missing each other or other of our issues. Just friend stuff. It felt good. And normal. That said, I know she's with her bf tonight.
I had planned to tell her on Friday that I can't continue doing this. But the pain of losing this connection is worse than the daily heartbreaks of knowing she's fallen in love with someone else. Also, friends son likes the new bf and friend has met the bf's mother.
What I think I'm going to do is go into passive mode. No more telling her I miss her or that I love her. Btw, we say this to each other regularly. I'm not going to initiate suggestions that we get together. If ow when she questions the change, that's when we'll have the discussion.
Someone posted earlier that I'm wanting to have my cake and eat it. Stay married and still have "something on the side ." Not really. Friend and I are fully aware that we are at different places in our lives. She's always known I wasn't getting a divorce, and she's always said she refuses to be the ow. I know that as long nothing changes, this is the way it's going to be. I understand that. And I regret that. And it breaks my heart.
In my second therapy session the other day the therapist asked if this was the first time I'd felt like this about a woman not my wife. For the first time in 30 years I had to admit that this is the first time I've felt this way about any woman. That was a revelation. Sure, we have a shared life and a shared and action packed history. And something like love but yesterday was the first time I acknowledged, or even thought about, the newness of what I'm feeling
Karlamichele asked why I just don't get divorced. Call me a coward or hypocrite or even a decent man , but I can't do that. And so I pay this price. A form of love and friendship with a woman who means more to me than anyone else, coupled with daily heartbreak and the continued risk of discovery.
Oh, and you'll love this one. There is another woman I'm attracted to who I might see for dinner when w is out of town next week. I've known her for four years but have only seen her two or three times in the past two years. So now I have the added question of whether I'm a serial cheater, and who am I cheating on? I wasn't going to mention this because this might not happen but decided to include this thought to give an idea of other crap, admittedly self induced, that I'm dealing with. Plus I have a birthday coming up that makes me increasingly aware of the age difference between me and these other women.
I know I have a few regular readers. I would understand if you're more than a little fed up with my behavior, conflict , and ramblings. Love does that , it seems. In any case, no need to feel obligated to respond, and I'll understand the chastisement I deserve.
Exchanging texts like these had become our norm. Nothing about love or missing each other or other of our issues. Just friend stuff. It felt good. And normal. That said, I know she's with her bf tonight.
I had planned to tell her on Friday that I can't continue doing this. But the pain of losing this connection is worse than the daily heartbreaks of knowing she's fallen in love with someone else. Also, friends son likes the new bf and friend has met the bf's mother.
What I think I'm going to do is go into passive mode. No more telling her I miss her or that I love her. Btw, we say this to each other regularly. I'm not going to initiate suggestions that we get together. If ow when she questions the change, that's when we'll have the discussion.
Someone posted earlier that I'm wanting to have my cake and eat it. Stay married and still have "something on the side ." Not really. Friend and I are fully aware that we are at different places in our lives. She's always known I wasn't getting a divorce, and she's always said she refuses to be the ow. I know that as long nothing changes, this is the way it's going to be. I understand that. And I regret that. And it breaks my heart.
In my second therapy session the other day the therapist asked if this was the first time I'd felt like this about a woman not my wife. For the first time in 30 years I had to admit that this is the first time I've felt this way about any woman. That was a revelation. Sure, we have a shared life and a shared and action packed history. And something like love but yesterday was the first time I acknowledged, or even thought about, the newness of what I'm feeling
Karlamichele asked why I just don't get divorced. Call me a coward or hypocrite or even a decent man , but I can't do that. And so I pay this price. A form of love and friendship with a woman who means more to me than anyone else, coupled with daily heartbreak and the continued risk of discovery.
Oh, and you'll love this one. There is another woman I'm attracted to who I might see for dinner when w is out of town next week. I've known her for four years but have only seen her two or three times in the past two years. So now I have the added question of whether I'm a serial cheater, and who am I cheating on? I wasn't going to mention this because this might not happen but decided to include this thought to give an idea of other crap, admittedly self induced, that I'm dealing with. Plus I have a birthday coming up that makes me increasingly aware of the age difference between me and these other women.
I know I have a few regular readers. I would understand if you're more than a little fed up with my behavior, conflict , and ramblings. Love does that , it seems. In any case, no need to feel obligated to respond, and I'll understand the chastisement I deserve.
Replies
I can totally relate to the withdrawals of NC being so nasty that you would want to maintain contact just to avoid the withdrawals.
Despair, whatever you end up doing we will support you.
Big hugs.
Thanks. How come they never portray this kind of stuff in the movies, apart from the craziness of fatal attraction ?
We are all spinning here with emotions n\' stuff! No chastisement from me.
What caught my eye is you mentioned going passive and I wanted to share a resource that may be helpful:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
Should of mentioned it would be #11
Heyjules, Thanks. Obviously, the 180 list is directed to the BS and the process toward repairing a marriage, or at least repairing himself/herself after a betrayal. I can see how it would apply to me and my friend and the effort to cool an affair, or in my case a non-affair, when neither partner has the guts to actually end it. Funny how the same actions can apply to very different objectives.
Here\'s what troubles me. In a CS/BS situation, the CS will recognize what\'s going on in about ten minutes. How do you keep up the passivity when the CS is \"onto\" the approach. In a sense, it\'s a big f**k you to the CS. The same thing will apply to me and my friend. I can\'t say that she knows me better than my wife. That\'s not possible after less than year when I\'ve been married for 30. But she does know me well. She knows how I feel and what is \"normal\" in my behavior overall and, more specifically, my behavior toward her. It may take more than 10 minutes, partly because she\'s going away for a long weekend on Saturday. But she\'ll catch on quickly enough and she\'ll call me on it. I know I\'m the one who has advocated this approach, but now that I\'ve seen that list, I can see some problems, to say the least.
So my question is how do I respond to being called out on my unusual behavior? I do not want to get back to the I love you but I\'m jealous and I can\'t see you anymore discussion. What do I say? I know that the \"right\" response is to use this discussion as a springboard to NC, but as I\'ve said, I can\'t do that. Well, I can, but I won\'t. Which leads to another question. I know I\'ve written that my friend wants to stay friends, but I\'m wondering if it\'s possible that she also wants NC, in order to go into her new bf relationship without any obstacles? I don\'t think so, but, as you know, we in the CS world are in a constant loop of love, hate, commitment, avoidance, second guessing, etc.
I think staying friends is going to kill you emotionally! You guys have quite an emotional bond. No one wants to rip of that bandaide. I guess I have no insite. Is being on here helping?