Can I drive myself crazy
The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think. Jip, yes, totally agree,, .. And that is why i am probably driving myself crazy this side. It must be.. None of my fears are so overwhelming and as scary as the fear of what others will think once I go through with this. Why am I putting this off, what am I waiting for. Do I really want this marriage to work? Do I really want to get my hopes up only to have them shattered again? What is wrong with me? I am driving myself crazy in this relationship and I am allowing it. Why am I not just taking my shit and moving. I can do this on my own. I can survive.. cause I AM A SURVIVOR. I have survived him for years. I have stood by him through hell, and even worse than hell, just hoping that one day he will change and things will get better. And he does change.. he goes through these patches of being a really really nice person and I think I can love him,, and then like clockwork his old self comes back and I am left trying to pick up the pieces. Everyone knows who and what he is and they also tell me that he is mental, crazy and a psychopath. Yetttttttt why the hell does everyone turn on me when I want to leave.. WHICH BRINGS ME BACK TO THE SAYING: the greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other will think.
Why oh why do I worry what they would think. My parents, my family.. the only people who really have the right to judge me is my kids,, and they can only judge to a certain extent because is it due to them that I have stuck it out for so long. That I did take all the shit for so long. I tried,, God really knows I have tried. I have cried at Gods feet for a solution, I have begged for an answer, and it seems the only answer that I get is that this is my life,, accept it .. And I don’t want too.
This is not the life I am supposed to have. This is not who I am. This is not where I want to be.