Can I Control?
Here is me..........at 14 1/2 months:
My precious husband died 14 months ago after unspeakable pain and suffering from cancer. He was my everything. After Bill died.............I felt like my faith in God died as well. I couldn't believe anymore. God .....and all the stuff I'd been taught about God seemed like a big hoax. I was in anguish..............for months. Just couldn't believe. As time passed, I realized there was no quality to my life anymore. Dreary, dull, painful. So, I decided I had some choices to make: I no longer pray for what I want. Because when I don't get what I want ........it hurts my last remaining thread of faith. Now, I pray that through whatever lies ahead..................that the Lord will walk with me and help me to make it. This makes a world of difference. It is helping me. Ultimately we have zero control and that is what is so troubling for us all. Truth is.........it's not about control. It's about LETTING GO OF THE THOUGHT that we actually control things. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we should "let go" of our husbands. It will never be okay that they died. But I FINALLY REALIZE that the only thing I can control (sometimes)! is my own thoughts. Thoughts are especially awful at night - aren't they!?
These days, I flood my thoughts with as much hopeful Christian radio, books etc as I can.
This helps to give me hope.
I want to be with my husband again and that is my great hope.
I have a choice (CONTROL) to choose to 1. feed the doubt or to 2. feed the hope. When I feed the doubt....................I stay in a dark hole where I struggle to breathe. Hope is a better place to live.
My precious husband died 14 months ago after unspeakable pain and suffering from cancer. He was my everything. After Bill died.............I felt like my faith in God died as well. I couldn't believe anymore. God .....and all the stuff I'd been taught about God seemed like a big hoax. I was in anguish..............for months. Just couldn't believe. As time passed, I realized there was no quality to my life anymore. Dreary, dull, painful. So, I decided I had some choices to make: I no longer pray for what I want. Because when I don't get what I want ........it hurts my last remaining thread of faith. Now, I pray that through whatever lies ahead..................that the Lord will walk with me and help me to make it. This makes a world of difference. It is helping me. Ultimately we have zero control and that is what is so troubling for us all. Truth is.........it's not about control. It's about LETTING GO OF THE THOUGHT that we actually control things. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we should "let go" of our husbands. It will never be okay that they died. But I FINALLY REALIZE that the only thing I can control (sometimes)! is my own thoughts. Thoughts are especially awful at night - aren't they!?
These days, I flood my thoughts with as much hopeful Christian radio, books etc as I can.
This helps to give me hope.
I want to be with my husband again and that is my great hope.
I have a choice (CONTROL) to choose to 1. feed the doubt or to 2. feed the hope. When I feed the doubt....................I stay in a dark hole where I struggle to breathe. Hope is a better place to live.
Replies
Great entry!! I agree. hope is all there is. without hope, there is no life.
So glad you are finding your control. now If i could just remember where mine was?!?! ;-)
HUGS and thanks for such an uplifting entry!
Diane
I see the healing and progress you have made in this amazing journal. I have doubted my faith in this journey as well but am trying so hard by attending church regularily and praying nightly especially for my family and friends here on DS who are trying so hard to get through this. They say baby steps and you have definately made some. I hope we all can make some, thanks so much for sharing hugs, Lu Ann
I have heard the expression \"let go and let God\" and never understood it until now. When we learn to let go of things we have no control of and let God take care of a situation we are using our faith.with the things we have no control over such as life and death it brings some clarity. I think God knows that we will go through stages in our faith when we suffer loss of someone so dear to us. I go through stages of strong faith and then suddenly I am going backward. I know in my heart though that the Lord is still there. He is very patient with us. I am so happy that you are healing and finding your faith again. Living with hope is a beautiful thing. Thanks for your inspiring journal. Hugs
What a wonderful entry. It\'s a slow arduous journey, and we have to tread lightly at first. It sounds as though you are heading in a very good direction with careful, thought-provoking considerations. Blessings to you. TJ
Thank you for the encouraging post! Good for you! I agree 100%. I have also turned toward faith, but I had to find my way back to it. I very much enjoy watching the Daily Mass on EWTN every morning while I have breakfast. It is the right way to start my day. I find that mornings are the worst for me because sleep is the only real freedom I have from grief, then I wake up and it hits me. I remember this life that I hate. Watching the Mass helps me battle that feeling and gives me hope. You have my support all the way! (((Hugs))), Patti
What a beautiful encouraging post. You are so right. Proverbs 3:5-6
Hugs
Christine
It is true...we control nothing but our reponses. The good news is that we have 100% control over them.
:)
love,Carla
I prayed for you. I know you were having a difficult time with your faith in God. Trust in him with all your heart and you will feel the peace he already has given you. This is his promise to you. The Bible is best read. Blessings and hugs Edie.
Good to see you are feeding hope and finding your way,
I love to see that you are becoming stronger, we all know how hard that can be to achieve and how important it is to do.