Can I Control?
Here is me..........at 14 1/2 months:
My precious husband died 14 months ago after unspeakable pain and suffering from cancer. He was my everything. After Bill died.............I felt like my faith in God died as well. I couldn't believe anymore. God .....and all the stuff I'd been taught about God seemed like a big hoax. I was in anguish..............for months. Just couldn't believe. As time passed, I realized there was no quality to my life anymore. Dreary, dull, painful. So, I decided I had some choices to make: I no longer pray for what I want. Because when I don't get what I want ........it hurts my last remaining thread of faith. Now, I pray that through whatever lies ahead..................that the Lord will walk with me and help me to make it. This makes a world of difference. It is helping me. Ultimately we have zero control and that is what is so troubling for us all. Truth is.........it's not about control. It's about LETTING GO OF THE THOUGHT that we actually control things. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we should "let go" of our husbands. It will never be okay that they died. But I FINALLY REALIZE that the only thing I can control (sometimes)! is my own thoughts. Thoughts are especially awful at night - aren't they!?
These days, I flood my thoughts with as much hopeful Christian radio, books etc as I can.
This helps to give me hope.
I want to be with my husband again and that is my great hope.
I have a choice (CONTROL) to choose to 1. feed the doubt or to 2. feed the hope. When I feed the doubt....................I stay in a dark hole where I struggle to breathe. Hope is a better place to live.
My precious husband died 14 months ago after unspeakable pain and suffering from cancer. He was my everything. After Bill died.............I felt like my faith in God died as well. I couldn't believe anymore. God .....and all the stuff I'd been taught about God seemed like a big hoax. I was in anguish..............for months. Just couldn't believe. As time passed, I realized there was no quality to my life anymore. Dreary, dull, painful. So, I decided I had some choices to make: I no longer pray for what I want. Because when I don't get what I want ........it hurts my last remaining thread of faith. Now, I pray that through whatever lies ahead..................that the Lord will walk with me and help me to make it. This makes a world of difference. It is helping me. Ultimately we have zero control and that is what is so troubling for us all. Truth is.........it's not about control. It's about LETTING GO OF THE THOUGHT that we actually control things. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we should "let go" of our husbands. It will never be okay that they died. But I FINALLY REALIZE that the only thing I can control (sometimes)! is my own thoughts. Thoughts are especially awful at night - aren't they!?
These days, I flood my thoughts with as much hopeful Christian radio, books etc as I can.
This helps to give me hope.
I want to be with my husband again and that is my great hope.
I have a choice (CONTROL) to choose to 1. feed the doubt or to 2. feed the hope. When I feed the doubt....................I stay in a dark hole where I struggle to breathe. Hope is a better place to live.
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