Can he change?

I think that Scott is the type of man that is verbally abusive from what happened in childhood. (Chap 3 of Patricia Evans book)  He is very covert, but has before displaying overt behavior. I haven't 'taken notes' for a good part of the book, but now I am picking up where I left off. I have a fear though, he always accuses me of using other people's ideas, letting others rule my thinking, like if one of my friends have a problem, suddenly we have that problem too, or if I read something, I allow it to be our problem. I fear this in reading this type of material, but I need to keep reminding myself that I know better, I am capable of critical thought, I can agree with a book without projecting what it says on my situation, thus creating a situation where there supposedly was none.  Guidelines for counseling - get someone who knows about verbal abuse"The veball abusive will usually go with his partner to see a counselor, but only because is is aggravated that his partner will "never be happy" or "never give up complaining".The counselor needs to recognize the abuse and stop it and address it immediatelyResponsibility for the relationship is NOT 50 50 in these cases, no abuse is to pass by un addressed b the abused person, or by the counselor. 1. We agree to say "What did you say?" if we are defined or characterized by the other.2. We agree not to interrupt the other, except if we are defind or characterized by the other and to say, "What did you say?" if that occurs.3. In any other case, if one person interrupts the other, the interrupted person will raise their hand in a "stop" gesture, or if he or she is too traumatized, or shocked, or too used to being interrupted, or too afraid to object, the counselor agrees to intercede, holding up his or her hand, and saying, "stop" or "hold it". 4. The counselor supposts us in achieving mutual freedom from verbal abuse by interceding when she or he witnesses it. This might be achieved in the following way:     a. If anyone defines or characteizes the other and the person who is defined or characterized is too traumatized, or shocked, or too used to, or adapted to that behavior to stop it, the counselor will interrupt the speaker by saying "What?" or, "What did you say?"     b. If the person who is asked what they just said can't recall what they just said, the counselor will remind him or her by saying " I heard you say... is that what you meant?"     c. THe speaker agrees to rephrase what he or she sai. For example, " that came out wrong. What I meant to say is "So that it isn't defining or characterizing of teh other. The speaker may askt eh counselor for help in understanding how what was said defined or characterized the other person or may ask the counselor for an idea of how to rephrase the comment.      d. At no time will anyone say "You're attacing me" because that give teh accused persona no understanding, and defintes his or her motives and intentionts.  Chapter 5 Is change possible. Scott did threaten my life once. He denies it now. He has physically been violent in the past. He tells me that he has the right to be the head of the household and is problematic when I challenged that . He would yell at me i I didn't communicate right, hold me down if I said "I don't know why I am marrying you" or withholding or essentially not saying what he wants me to say.  More likely to change:if he has actualized himsel fto some degree I the world, able to keep steady job.. etc..if he hasn't indulged in violent behaviorsif he doesn't threaten to take the children away - Scott has done this, if I leave he says that by no way I am taking LydiaIf he has an honest characterif he doesn't pursue other womenif he agrees to the agreement and does the recommended steps Less likely to changeif he has nothing to lose financiallyif he has behaviors that keep him from facing himself.if he has compulsive disordersif he has ben diagnosed as havig personality disorderif he has hhad affairsif he has a history of physical violenceif he has no friends or emotional connections with anyoneif he is verbally abusive before marriageif he is verbally abusive before living with the partnerif he consistently blames others for any problem in his lifeif he periodically demonstrates violeneif he plays with weaponsif he mistreats animalsif he teasingly torments a childif he has said " I won't change"if he his culture gives him permission to dominate other human beings. Chap 6 The partner wants him to changeI began to doubt myslef. The brainwashing was constant, subtle, and pervasive. All my awareness, energy, passions, views, perspectives, were like beams of light absorbed into a black hole.  I hardly knew why just being, just existing was so exhausting.  Now I really do want to exhause all options for the success of our family before I choose divorce.  As a woman's relationship becomes more difficult, she usually wants the man she is with to be nice again, just like he was before he anchored his dream woman in her.  To stay or goUnless, that is, they are so traumatized they are certain they'll never feel safe and protected with them again; unless they have lost all trust because of the verbal deception.  They want to see him change unless they are so hurt, they really don't care whether he changes, in which case, they just don't want to see him again. Unless they fear for their lives, because they have been threatened or terrified by his verbal violence. If they do feel threatened or their intuition tells them tha they are in danger, then they need to leave.  It is important for you to recognize when you are traumatized. After an encounter with a verbaly abusive mate, you may feel stirred up inside, upset, unable to focus, and unable to feel like yourself for several days; you may describe it as having a setback.  You are constantly trying to stabilize the relationship that he ends and reconstitutes so frequently. And most likely, more than anything, you want your relationship to feel like a relationship, that is, an open exchange between two people.  No matter how much a man changes from indulging in verbal abuse to being supportive and validating, a woman who is traumatized may always feel are traumatized in his presence. This depends on how long, how much support she has, how crazy making the abuse was and many other factors.   Verbal abuse is worse, lasts longer, and is harder to recover from than physical abuse.  His change seems realHoneymoon stage: Courting her to win her backTension Building State: Becoming irritated and angrey with his partner while managing his angerThe explosion: He becomes verbally and/or physically abusive. The partner of an abuser can be stuck for years trying to change herself so the relationship will improve. She may search for answers, read everything, try everything until she knows what is wrong and ultimately realizes that changes in her behavior will not change him.  Since many women are not sure what is happening to them when  they are defined in a constant, sometimes subtle way, they  have no idea what to do. They may face anger, accusation and have no idea what to do. They may face anger, accusation and balame so constantly that they think they are doing soething wrong. They cebome so focused on saying things right so as to not  anger their mate that they cannot see what it is not actually their fault.  SIDE NOTE: He used to always say he missed me, that he wanted me to be like I was I am taking that as he wanted me to be the 'dream woman' again. If others do no tsee it and there is no one to explain it to her, the partner experiences confusion and even a sense of unreality. Without outside intervention, new knowledge, or wise input, she has no way to orient to actual reality. "I  questioned everthing, every choice I'd made and how I could be in this situation. I didn't know about dream woman, so there was no way to explain, even to myself what was happening and why it was happening. There is no way to describe the experience."  Woman want to change to end their pain to protect their children, to have kindness back in their relationships, to keep their families intact, to not have to start over again, to not have to go through the greatest change in their lives when they are exhausted and often ill from verbal abuse. The mental anguish and emotional pain that verbal abuse generates cannot be overemphasized.  She may harbor the fear of being crazy, she searches for ways to not make it be some fault that she has overlooked. Her mental anguish is so great she becomes exhausted and suffers from panic attacks or anxiety. Her exhaustion increases as she struggles to maintain her own perceptions and her own experiences in the face or their being denied.   What motivates him to change? Chapter 7He has always been extremely angry if I have ever mentioned leaving... violently so even. He has threatened to financially bankrupt me. He will want to protect his nice guy image.  HE feels threatened by other sources of input for me (Don't call your parents, ask me, support groups, talking to other people about him/marriage, keep everything between us) He will try to destroy my credibility. HE doesnt want to be irrational, he had always though that he was rational and she wasn't. He wants to be teh person he always thought he was. He doesn't want to lie. He doesn't want his partner to fear his craziness.. he was shocked to kow that I fear him. He is basically a good man who has the courage to change.  A man that will change adn has courage to do so will be destressed and saddened that he has cause her so much emotional pain and mental anguish. He feels accountable and repentant.  He often truly believes anything hesays is nothing compared to what his partner does to him.  No one can change their behavior if they don't see how they are behaving and that nothing justifies that behavior. Change is essential.  Preparing for the agreement. The general goal is that you show him in some way that you hear what he is saying, that he is responsible for saying it and that it is incomprehensible. You don't need to defend yourself.  If in teh past you told him Stop when he was abusive adn he didn't it is likely that he accused you of being abusive, saying, now your'e giving me orders and trying to control me, That's abuse!" Respond to this saying "What? or Did I just hear you tell me what I was trying to do?" The best defense is no defenseSince telling teh verbally abusive man how you feel or explaining why he sholdn't yelll doesn't work, ... suggest "What, what did you say, what are you doing, would you please repeat that while I write it down? Would you repeat that, please so I can tape it and not forget it?, it sounds like you re telling me (()" If he continues "Youre not me, Please don't tell me ()", Please stop pretending to be me, please stop pretending to live within me and know what I am, please stop pretending to be me and know what I am, please stop pretending to be a woman, your not me, plase get out.  If he insiists on defining you, as a final resort, tell him, get out now..  Carry a small voice activated difital recorder because youc an store many hours on it.  it is all important that you trust your experience and your intuition, and you must judge this for yourself. At all times you ust be fiercely protective of yourself.  My 'withholding' was being scared to make a comment... not purposely withholding! The abuser cannot really hear, see, and take in information from teh real person.  HOW to present the agreement chapter 9He tells me that he cannot understand me because I haven't expressed myself correctly. Preagreement steps1. integrate as much information about the verbal abuse as you can. 2. get support3. make a list.4. find a time and place to prepare.5. plan your presentation6. set up the meeting with safety firstHave a digital recorder. two, one for the both of you, one for just me to get entire exchange, do not give him a copy until after you have read it to him. If he starts talkign about t hagreement before your next meeting, attempting to put it down or argue points, say that you look forward to seeing his contribution  at the next meeting.  Meeting th second time, read over any changes each cross off anything you cannot agree to and sign it.  A debate is simply a diversion from the problem