Calling it what it is

I am scared. Terrified actually. I am so sick of letting fear run my life, and I am so sad that I don't have that kind of relationship where breaking up can be safe and healthy. I am well aware that in a situation like mine, it is going to be actually MORE dangerous once I put my foot down and try to extract myself and my kids from this hell once and for all. The statistics are terrifying, and the personal experiences with him when he doesn't "get his way" are frightening enough. I have seen firsthand what he is capable of when he thinks his plans or his decisions are being "thwarted". It terrifies me. I know that there is simply no way I will ever be safe as long as he can get to me. As long as he is within reasonable distance to find me or to follow me home from work, I will not be safe. I am beginning to wonder whether the kids will be either. The lack of empathy and "bond" he has with the girls leaves me in serious doubt whether the two of them would be safe if he was angry at me and came upon them somewhere. I truly believe, in my heart, that their very safety and lives would be in danger simply because I love them so much. In other words, if he couldn't get to me, he would harm them simply to get to me. I hate thinking of him in such evil terms, but I have actually witnessed him doing "evil" things to the girls simply to get to me. And it has always worked, so I truly believe he would use it again.
I know in my heart that my only option in this is to go far away with them. Here comes the greater fear. What if he does try to charge me with kidnapping and an unenlightened judge gives him custody? What if I am forced to give up my children to this monster, so that they can now personally suffer the abuse I've been kidding myself isn't that bad--I haven't been seriously damaged yet, right--just a collapsed lung, numerous health issues, and a constant anxiety. I give up on calling the police because he is so manipulative that he always makes it seem like I am the one with the problem. Not to mention having family on the force sure does make it easier on him. (Especially when it comes to finding me.) I don't know which is worse, suffering through the next five years to ensure that my kids are never alone with him; or making a break and taking the risk on losing them to him for sure.
I've tried calling Safe Horizons, they gave me the contact number for my local courthouse so I can ask a general question about child custody and moving out of state. Unfortunately, that wasn't very promising or helpful. I've done the research I could from my end, and scheduled an appointment with Crisis Intervention for Thursday morning. My mind is made up, pretty much. I can't go through this any longer. I can't have my kids going through this any longer. Unfortunately, the fear is sometimes so great that I can actually feel the claws digging in and I'm having some issues due to this. I can't eat, I am sick, and I'm not sleeping. This only makes it that much harder for me to function at the level I need to be functioning in order to put a plan into place. Each time I think "this is it" that little voice in the back of my head starts screaming at me that I'm crazy, this isn't going to work. Oh, would someone please shut up that little voice!!