"CALL ME IF YOU NEED ME"....
As I left off last, yes it was my husband in the recovery room....and yes they kept telling me I couldn't be there and all I could do was just stand there and say "Yes, I know"....as they worked on him hooking him up to machines....But I was frozen in time at that moment.....Seconds ago I had heard...."He died on the table" and then I am standing there watching them working on him.....Scared to move,,,,if I moved then it would not be him....and then they would come and tell me that He Had Died....Finally one of the nurses came over to me and said "Honey, let me take you too the waiting room....everything is okay".....so she led me back...then when I saw my children and family, I broke and we all cried and hugged each other...STEP One of the one and only surgery was over....and he was finally moved to his hospital room..
They had removed his Lymph nodes under his arm.....I don't remember how many but enough to check to see if the cancer had spread.....They had cut out the area of where the mole was on his arm about four inches in length and to the edge of each side of him arm......They also removed skin from his upper leg to do the skin graft...
It was sorta yucky, as you could see through the skin graft all the way down to the bone in his arm....It would take time for the body to fill in the space of the tissue they had removed.....
We began the stay in the hospital, and we began the WAITING GAME....The Waiting Game can drive you crazy.....as you wait day after day for the test results to come in....We were told that it did not look good, due to the fact it had spread down to the bone and based on the lymph nodes infected would tell us if the cancer had spread to other parts of the body.....I just remember sitting there being so scared.........by his bedside.........
He was in the hospital for Three Weeks.....I stayed day and night....I was afraid to leave....as none of us had ever had anything happen like this before, I was afraid if I left the room that when I got back he would be dead.....So I slept there at night and took care of him during the days....
The night that he was brought back to the room, not only had he had surgery but there was this other guy also in the room....totally knocked out....For some stupid reason I got to thinking What if There is A Fire......How will I get these two knocked out guys out..... As we all know with what we all here have experienced crazy thoughts fill you mind over and over.....SO I began to prepare a plan if there was a fire at the hospital.....
If indeed a fire had happened, I would not have been able to get the two heavy dudes anywhere...but there I stood in the dark making plans....I would tie the sheets together....I looked out the window and we were just above the cover over the entrance...so if worst came to worse.....I figured I could tie the sheets together somehow tie them together, break the window....then lower them down to safety.....What crazy ideas we have.....Of course I never had to do it...but I had a plan....
After a few days, my mom started telling me I need to go home....and rest...I told her I couldn't....I just couldn't leave....so I stayed.....
Having had surgery, I knew that he would be having pain as he had never had, i kept telling him he needed to take a pain pill....He kept saying NO...I don't want nothing......Finally, after I tried to get him to take the pain pill, explaining to him the whys of it....He was hurting but he was determined...HE WAS NOT TAKING ANY PAIN PILLS.....Finally tired of me telling him it would help....He turned to me and said.......SHUT UP...I DON'T WANT ONE..>.you only have to tell me that one time...so SHUT UP I did.....but that evening he was taking a pain pill....It was sorta funny to me...guess I should have just let him be...but again that was my showing that I had no patience....
After being at the hospital almost for 3 weeks, I finally agreed to go home...(oh did I mention that I am a bit stubborn too)...so I kissed him and told him I would be back in a couply of hours.....so I left.....WHAT A TIME TO MAKE THAT DECISION....
Of course we had been waiting and waiting....and the thing about Cancer...we want answers now....and to us we wanted to know things right now..right then...we did not want to be told constantly that it would be soon.....Two and half weeks did not seem soon to us for the cancer doctor to finally show up.....,
Well, that is what the Cancer Doctor Finally did....those two hours that I finally agreed to leave the hospital....He comes....so here I am at home and we finally have the Cancer Doctor come in and where am I....the only time that I left the hospital the entire time.....I was so upset at myself....
I got back to the hospital and when I walked in I saw the scared look on my husband's face.....I go to his bedside and asked "What Happened"....He went on to tell me that the results were back and it was not good.....
The cancer had spread.....It was in the Final Stages....it was in all the Lymph node that they had taken.....and that it had probably had spread to other organs of the body......very likely it was in the Liver and the doctor had ordered a Liver test....
My Heart sank as I knew that could not be good news....I ask my husband.."What now"...What did the doctor say we would do now" outside of the Liver being tested.........This was the answer that I got that the doctor said to him............
The Doctor's Words: WELL, YOUR GOING TO DIE IN SIX MONTHS, GO HOME, GO BACK TO WORK AND PREPARED TO DIE.............at that point my husband stopped talking....so I ask.....what else did he say we were to do....
My Husband's answer from the doctor....HERE'S MY CARD, CALL ME IF YOU NEED ME!!!!! and the doctor walked out of the room..................
I was like......DO WHAT!!! CALL HIM IF WE NEED HIM....WHEN DOES HE THINK WE NEED HIM....WE JUST BEEN TOLD YOU HAVE CANCER....AND THE DOCTOR'S RESPONSE WAS JUST "CALL ME IF YOU NEED ME""""
That day, I would say is the day I changed....I couldn't go around exploding or demanding the furniture would be delivered or I would just go to another store....this was life and death....That was the day that I learned how to have patience.....How I don't know....BUT THIS I DID KNOW.....I HAD NO PLANS ON MY HUSBAND, MY CHILDREN'S DAD DYING....So after the shock of it all....I pulled myself together and began thinking what to do next to try to save my husband's life....
When you have no patience before...when illness, Cancer, death, or changes in life but I know for me that day I had to learn how to have patience...It was going to take patience to see if I could find help for my husband.....
PATIENCE FOR ME STARTED THAT DAY......LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT MY HUSBAND NO LONGER FELT ANY PATIENCE.....BUT WHO COULD BLAME HIM....
HE HAD JUST BEEN GIVEN A DEATH SENTENCE.........
cont.......
They had removed his Lymph nodes under his arm.....I don't remember how many but enough to check to see if the cancer had spread.....They had cut out the area of where the mole was on his arm about four inches in length and to the edge of each side of him arm......They also removed skin from his upper leg to do the skin graft...
It was sorta yucky, as you could see through the skin graft all the way down to the bone in his arm....It would take time for the body to fill in the space of the tissue they had removed.....
We began the stay in the hospital, and we began the WAITING GAME....The Waiting Game can drive you crazy.....as you wait day after day for the test results to come in....We were told that it did not look good, due to the fact it had spread down to the bone and based on the lymph nodes infected would tell us if the cancer had spread to other parts of the body.....I just remember sitting there being so scared.........by his bedside.........
He was in the hospital for Three Weeks.....I stayed day and night....I was afraid to leave....as none of us had ever had anything happen like this before, I was afraid if I left the room that when I got back he would be dead.....So I slept there at night and took care of him during the days....
The night that he was brought back to the room, not only had he had surgery but there was this other guy also in the room....totally knocked out....For some stupid reason I got to thinking What if There is A Fire......How will I get these two knocked out guys out..... As we all know with what we all here have experienced crazy thoughts fill you mind over and over.....SO I began to prepare a plan if there was a fire at the hospital.....
If indeed a fire had happened, I would not have been able to get the two heavy dudes anywhere...but there I stood in the dark making plans....I would tie the sheets together....I looked out the window and we were just above the cover over the entrance...so if worst came to worse.....I figured I could tie the sheets together somehow tie them together, break the window....then lower them down to safety.....What crazy ideas we have.....Of course I never had to do it...but I had a plan....
After a few days, my mom started telling me I need to go home....and rest...I told her I couldn't....I just couldn't leave....so I stayed.....
Having had surgery, I knew that he would be having pain as he had never had, i kept telling him he needed to take a pain pill....He kept saying NO...I don't want nothing......Finally, after I tried to get him to take the pain pill, explaining to him the whys of it....He was hurting but he was determined...HE WAS NOT TAKING ANY PAIN PILLS.....Finally tired of me telling him it would help....He turned to me and said.......SHUT UP...I DON'T WANT ONE..>.you only have to tell me that one time...so SHUT UP I did.....but that evening he was taking a pain pill....It was sorta funny to me...guess I should have just let him be...but again that was my showing that I had no patience....
After being at the hospital almost for 3 weeks, I finally agreed to go home...(oh did I mention that I am a bit stubborn too)...so I kissed him and told him I would be back in a couply of hours.....so I left.....WHAT A TIME TO MAKE THAT DECISION....
Of course we had been waiting and waiting....and the thing about Cancer...we want answers now....and to us we wanted to know things right now..right then...we did not want to be told constantly that it would be soon.....Two and half weeks did not seem soon to us for the cancer doctor to finally show up.....,
Well, that is what the Cancer Doctor Finally did....those two hours that I finally agreed to leave the hospital....He comes....so here I am at home and we finally have the Cancer Doctor come in and where am I....the only time that I left the hospital the entire time.....I was so upset at myself....
I got back to the hospital and when I walked in I saw the scared look on my husband's face.....I go to his bedside and asked "What Happened"....He went on to tell me that the results were back and it was not good.....
The cancer had spread.....It was in the Final Stages....it was in all the Lymph node that they had taken.....and that it had probably had spread to other organs of the body......very likely it was in the Liver and the doctor had ordered a Liver test....
My Heart sank as I knew that could not be good news....I ask my husband.."What now"...What did the doctor say we would do now" outside of the Liver being tested.........This was the answer that I got that the doctor said to him............
The Doctor's Words: WELL, YOUR GOING TO DIE IN SIX MONTHS, GO HOME, GO BACK TO WORK AND PREPARED TO DIE.............at that point my husband stopped talking....so I ask.....what else did he say we were to do....
My Husband's answer from the doctor....HERE'S MY CARD, CALL ME IF YOU NEED ME!!!!! and the doctor walked out of the room..................
I was like......DO WHAT!!! CALL HIM IF WE NEED HIM....WHEN DOES HE THINK WE NEED HIM....WE JUST BEEN TOLD YOU HAVE CANCER....AND THE DOCTOR'S RESPONSE WAS JUST "CALL ME IF YOU NEED ME""""
That day, I would say is the day I changed....I couldn't go around exploding or demanding the furniture would be delivered or I would just go to another store....this was life and death....That was the day that I learned how to have patience.....How I don't know....BUT THIS I DID KNOW.....I HAD NO PLANS ON MY HUSBAND, MY CHILDREN'S DAD DYING....So after the shock of it all....I pulled myself together and began thinking what to do next to try to save my husband's life....
When you have no patience before...when illness, Cancer, death, or changes in life but I know for me that day I had to learn how to have patience...It was going to take patience to see if I could find help for my husband.....
PATIENCE FOR ME STARTED THAT DAY......LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT MY HUSBAND NO LONGER FELT ANY PATIENCE.....BUT WHO COULD BLAME HIM....
HE HAD JUST BEEN GIVEN A DEATH SENTENCE.........
cont.......
Replies
What an Amazing journal. I could just feel how you were feeling. But you know, Sandi, that is strange how you talked about your patience. I guess I was walking zombie with the patience of Job as long as Jeff was living and I had hope. But now that I think about it, I don\'t have much patience. Everything seems to sets me off. Thank you for such a special journal.
Your friend, Nell
Wow that is amazing. I have never been a patient person and I am so much worse now. It is a special journal I agree. Hugs!!!
As I shared with Nell...since I lost my son...it has been very difficult..I don\'t know if it is patient or it is just letting the pain out...I am doing better, but I asked my husband how I had changed and he said that I seem to get upset so fast....I think it may be part of the grief...
Grief affects us in so many ways. I don\'t think I have patience - it is more like apathy. I am forever thinking \"I should\". I should phone and find out how my brother is, I should go to the grocery store, I should do the laundry. But it is a effort to do any of it. The only thing I can do regularly is walk.
Hugs, Marlene
This is such an intense read... I am amazed and sort of shocked too at what this doctor said. Patience, I feel sometimes I have lots of it and sometimes I just loose it. You will be in my prayers, thank you for adding me as your friend.
It is amazing how when someone we love is given that diagnosis we go into \'freeze mode\' I call it... nothing else matters, nothing else is important, but what can we can do..
For me what I experienced when my husband was in the hospital was not impatience but wanting him not to experience pain and I could control that, or at least try to.
Hugs
MaryLou
Darn! Leaving the hospital for a lousy two hours after being there for like 3 weeks straight day and night-- and missing the long awaited prognosis talk...yes, that is Murphy\'s darn Law in practice there!
You were so devoted, I admire you for that. You were just trying to help your husband\'s pain by promoting the pain pills...he probably just lashed out at you because you were the handiest target. We always hurt the ones we love the most they say, and that does appear true, I think. I do the same thing with my husband-constantly telling him to eat more, take pain pills for his back pain; he won\'t have any of it. He is stubborn too. The more I \"push\"-- the more he \"pulls\"! After so much time together you\'d think I\'d give up on the pushing, but it\'s not in wives\'/significant others\' nature to give up, I think!
My hubby has had a big problem with tongue tumors. Several times the surgeon was sure he had cancer. Waiting for biopsy results was tortuous. Luckily, his latest exam did not show anything suspicious. First time in how many years...
Your husband was very fortunate to have such a caring/loving/understanding wife to attend to him during this hospital stay. Three weeks is a long time with that kind of focused attention and anxiety.
Love+Hugs,Donna
With me in the medical profession, I have this need to know... I cannot sit for hours with no word. When my father in law was dying I would walk into the intensive care unit like I owned it. His nurse knew I was not used to be on this side. He came over and gave me an update, went over the chart with me. But I am apauled by the way the cancer dr told your hubby about the cancer. I hope you can find someone compasionate to help get through the two of you deserve that..
Big Hugs Penny
I am sorry Sandi. So much pain and loss. Gentle hugs, Linda
Hard to believe, such an unfeeling Dr. So sorry you had to deal with this, all those sleepless nights!! We survive, we get through it, we either learn to be better people or we don\'t. But we do learn. love ya, abby
Sandi, I can\'t imagine how you kept your patience after hearing the Dr.s words to your husband. Apparently he failed to take his oath as a physician seriously. I\'m so sorry you had to go through this experience.....Gentle hugs, Pat