Call Me Crazy
Ok, so been blah few days. Thursday I started not feeling well, wasn't sure to be honest if was just me and stress, or something else, sister S- and her family were sick couple days before. Felt like crap all day Friday, then H stared getting sick Friday evening. H felt better Saturday morning, I was still kinda draggin ass. We had made plans for NYE with my sisters, brother had to work, he's a fireman. Bought tickets in advance. Decided I was going to suck it up, H was feeling better, really wanted us to go out have a good time. Said he wanted me to let loose and par-tay :). I'm thinking to myself,, I would love to just get fallin down drunk lmao but scared to death if I do I'll turn into the "weepy drunk" and start cryin and spillin my guts to my sisters. We havent told anyone but mc. Then late Saturday afternoon sister J- calls, now she sick. ugh.
We went ahead went out, had nice dinner. Had a couple drinks, but my tummy was still hurting and the drinks didnt sit too well. Did a little dancing, and then I really wasnt feeling well, so we left. At midnight H and I were in bed just dozing off as fireworks were going off outside. I was sad.. I felt physically ill, but emotionally ill as well. H seemed like he was little withdrawn, but I was also wishy-washy about if we would even go,, and then ended up coming home early,,,so.
I so want to be able to relax and have a good time, and not feel so uptight.
This morning I woke up feeling better physically, no tummy ache, yeah! Told h I felt better. Kids weren't home, they both stayed with friends over night. Thought might get a little action, since we didn't the night before with me feeling sick. Now, I never said anything out loud (no come n get it big boy) but we were laying in bed watching,,,smokey and the bandit, of all things,, h gettin all nostalgic over the movie and how cool it was when we were kids. lol. But I was rubbing his arm, holding his hand, laid my hand on his chest. Usually he responds in kind, or plays with my hair, but no such response from him this morning.
Later I tell H how I was feeling kind of ignored, usually he's all over me, telling me how much he wants me, or how good I look. I told him how last night twice I asked him if I looked ok and twice he told me I looked good,, without looking at me. Now I know I'm overly sensitive these days, feeling very needy, and I don't like it. But I also felt like he was off. I told him so. His comment was, "when was I supposed to be tryin to get some, in between bouts of puking?" Valid last night, I say, but I told you I felt good this morning, and I felt like you wouldn't even look at me. So later I need to go to store and H comes too. Then he's acting more like normal, makin passes n talking about getting some later. And somehow to me it feels false. IDk.. seems no matter what he does or doesn't do at this point I'm not happy. I smiled and played along with his advances, told him he's going to get lucky tonight :) I really want to have sex with H tonight. Since dday we have been in hb phase, and have only missed a couple days, and it leaves me feeling insecure, needy, and horny, lol. But at the same time, sometimes I feel like it's, idk, pity sex? I am such an insecure mess.
I also feel like just right below the surface the anger is starting to build. I have found myself snapping, not only at h, but at kids, and the darn cats, lol. I'm scared of that all coming to the surface and dealing with that.
Breathe.
Update: Monday morning.
For those that have listened to me bitch and moan about being late; I finally started ! At this point Idk if I'm three weeks late or one week early. plll. Thank God, though, because I am hoping that at least a little bit of my emotions will be able to be reined in,that my cycle will return to normal and hormones in balance, sheesh.
However, that means there was no sex last night..ugh/ And we could have, I just barely started, I start slow the first day, could have done the shower sex, or the towel sex, but I was just so exhausted yesterday, physically and emotionally, and starting to cramp, and so I used it as an excuse not to. :(
Already regretting that. Been 3 nights in row now no sex. Longest since dday. And not for next couple days at least, because it will just be too messy, and who knows, since I"m so late, maybe even longer, I usually go 5-7 days anyway. This just sucks, wanted to start, glad I did, think I will feel better physically, but damn at same time wishing I hadn't.
We have been in the hb phase. What if that is coming to an end? I hope not. Lots of good sex and emotional connecting, I think. But I am scared. I feel as if a chasm is opening up between us....
I am such a mess.
We went ahead went out, had nice dinner. Had a couple drinks, but my tummy was still hurting and the drinks didnt sit too well. Did a little dancing, and then I really wasnt feeling well, so we left. At midnight H and I were in bed just dozing off as fireworks were going off outside. I was sad.. I felt physically ill, but emotionally ill as well. H seemed like he was little withdrawn, but I was also wishy-washy about if we would even go,, and then ended up coming home early,,,so.
I so want to be able to relax and have a good time, and not feel so uptight.
This morning I woke up feeling better physically, no tummy ache, yeah! Told h I felt better. Kids weren't home, they both stayed with friends over night. Thought might get a little action, since we didn't the night before with me feeling sick. Now, I never said anything out loud (no come n get it big boy) but we were laying in bed watching,,,smokey and the bandit, of all things,, h gettin all nostalgic over the movie and how cool it was when we were kids. lol. But I was rubbing his arm, holding his hand, laid my hand on his chest. Usually he responds in kind, or plays with my hair, but no such response from him this morning.
Later I tell H how I was feeling kind of ignored, usually he's all over me, telling me how much he wants me, or how good I look. I told him how last night twice I asked him if I looked ok and twice he told me I looked good,, without looking at me. Now I know I'm overly sensitive these days, feeling very needy, and I don't like it. But I also felt like he was off. I told him so. His comment was, "when was I supposed to be tryin to get some, in between bouts of puking?" Valid last night, I say, but I told you I felt good this morning, and I felt like you wouldn't even look at me. So later I need to go to store and H comes too. Then he's acting more like normal, makin passes n talking about getting some later. And somehow to me it feels false. IDk.. seems no matter what he does or doesn't do at this point I'm not happy. I smiled and played along with his advances, told him he's going to get lucky tonight :) I really want to have sex with H tonight. Since dday we have been in hb phase, and have only missed a couple days, and it leaves me feeling insecure, needy, and horny, lol. But at the same time, sometimes I feel like it's, idk, pity sex? I am such an insecure mess.
I also feel like just right below the surface the anger is starting to build. I have found myself snapping, not only at h, but at kids, and the darn cats, lol. I'm scared of that all coming to the surface and dealing with that.
Breathe.
Update: Monday morning.
For those that have listened to me bitch and moan about being late; I finally started ! At this point Idk if I'm three weeks late or one week early. plll. Thank God, though, because I am hoping that at least a little bit of my emotions will be able to be reined in,that my cycle will return to normal and hormones in balance, sheesh.
However, that means there was no sex last night..ugh/ And we could have, I just barely started, I start slow the first day, could have done the shower sex, or the towel sex, but I was just so exhausted yesterday, physically and emotionally, and starting to cramp, and so I used it as an excuse not to. :(
Already regretting that. Been 3 nights in row now no sex. Longest since dday. And not for next couple days at least, because it will just be too messy, and who knows, since I"m so late, maybe even longer, I usually go 5-7 days anyway. This just sucks, wanted to start, glad I did, think I will feel better physically, but damn at same time wishing I hadn't.
We have been in the hb phase. What if that is coming to an end? I hope not. Lots of good sex and emotional connecting, I think. But I am scared. I feel as if a chasm is opening up between us....
I am such a mess.
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