Cali Trip 01/27/11
Been in the beautiful state of California now since Friday evening. Although the trip got off to a rocky start- me getting sick Friday night, and that escalating to an over night hospital stay on Monday- I am loving everything about San Diego so far. The weather, the people, the lack of certain other people who we won't name. Everyone here is so warm and friendly, I have only made it out a few times so far, but when I do go out everyone I pass smiles and says hello. People have conversations with you while you're waiting for the light to change to cross the street. It's amazing how you can get on a plane, and six hours later you are in an entirely different culture, a totally different world. When I was a kid we used to travel all the time, Texas, Canada, Florida- but after my parents were divorced vacations became a thing of the past. Other then going to see my grandparents, and maybe a trip to Holiday World in the summer time, I have haven't travelled at all since I was 12. Now that I am out here I feel claustrophobic just at the idea of going back, even though I know I have no choice. But, my God, how did I get to this place? I am 22 years old, living at home, laughable savings, very few friends, no boyfriend, no vehicle, no real plan. I have known for a while that if I don't get out, I am going to completely lose my mind, but this just somehow intensifies all those thoughts and feelings. I have to get away from my mom. I know it, I just don't know how to accomplish it. Are my art skills actually marketable? I know I have this disease, and it does limit me physically, but what has been my excuse for not using my brains? I am not a rocket scientist, but I am no moron either. There has to be a way to support myself without a college education other then manual labor, people do it all the time. I have been lazy, and I have been afraid to try, afraid of failing. How do you overcome those things? The path I am on is not the path to the life that I want to have, it's the path to the life I dread having, and if I don't get this figured out before I leave San Diego, I don't see how I am going to be able to avoid just getting sucked in again by the small town mentality of Dugger, or most especially get sucked back in by my mom. How do you learn to stand up for yourself, especially when you aren't fully convinced you're worth standing up for?
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I wish I read this post earlier... okay months earlier. BUT, it\'s ironic. Because since 2006, I lived in San Diego, went to the Art Institute down there to get my degree in Graphic Design, all while in pain, a kid at 18 - on my own, not knowing whether I would fail, believing I would fail, telling myself on a daily basis that I couldn\'t do it. But I did, I kept on truckin\' even if I cried all the way through it... I made it through. I worked my butt off, and it was worth it. There is nothing worse than looking back and wishing you had done something differently, something that was on you and in your control. You said \"how do you stand up for yourself, especially when you aren\'t convinced you\'re worth standing up for\" ... you\'re a human being with a brain and a heart. That\'s enough for me. And it should be enough for you. Don\'t do it for anyone else, don\'t look to other people to find the courage to do something. Don\'t worry about being worth something. You\'re only as rich as you make yourself. So how do you do it? You take a deep breath, and take a leap of faith... so you may not fully believe in yourself right away, no one ever does unless you\'re completely full of yourself. But eventually you\'ll learn to believe that you can do things AND be proud of them without the approval of anyone or even the approval from yourself. You don\'t need it... if it\'s right, then do it and don\'t question it. Don\'t doubt, don\'t search for the reason, because most of the time you won\'t find it. Most of the time you do it and end up feeling good about it. Would you rather have the chance to feel something great? Or would you rather be wishing you tried?