Cold

I read all my friends journal writings and want so bad to say things to them, but for some reason I just can't seem to do it. I think of things to journal about, but never write them, I just can't seem to put my fingers to the keys.  I get distracted, there is always something better to do, something that will keep my mind off of my so called "problems". Right now I am starting to drift away, but not this time! I see everyone writing about how they are moving on, they have jobs, goals,things they love to do and people that they do things with. Yes I have lots of friends, old friends and new friends. But they are just friends, not my family. I miss my kids so much I could explode. I even miss my husband, yes I know legally he is not my husband anymore, but for the rest of my life he has been and always will be my husband. I divorced him because he wanted a divorce for a long time, but just couldn't or wouldn't do it himself. He already had his lawyer, but she told him he would lose the house and have to pay for the kids. More than anything on this earth he does not want to pay anyone to do anything, not even his own mother. The house meant more to him than any of his own family. So now he has all he ever wanted, kids, house, cabin in the woods, a good job and no one to tell him he might not being doing things in the most efficient manner. He is totally in charge of everything. That sounds very bitter to me, but I don't know any other way to describe what has happened. I loved him with all my heart and soul, and I still love him. I know I am better off, but it only seems marginally so. There is no way that living in a travel trailer is the same or equal to living in a 4 bedroom, 2 bath house with my 2 children and a husband. I can not find a job. When I left my husband I was fresh out of surgery for the 3rd time in 3 months. I had breast cancer. My friends were so upset about the lack of care given to me that they called my doctors to see if there was someway I could go to a nursing home till I had recuperated. But they said no. I still had reconstruction surgery to live through but he cut me off of his health insurance knowing full well I couldn't qualify or pay for any kind of health insurance. Why did he hate me so much? He had a younger sister that was born with a major heart problem. He left me and his children to spend time with her when she went to the Mayo Clinic from Florida(we live in Southern California), but when I became ill he couldn't even leave me with a bottle of water or a phone to call for help. Thank god I have great neighbors and friends who when they couldn't get me on the phone came to my rescue. Yet I still love him? Why? I keep thinking he "just made a mistake" we all make mistakes. He really does love me, he just doesn't know how to show it. When we first talked about getting married, we discussed his view of marriage "as just a piece of paper" so I tore up the "piece of paper" to make him feel better, but instead he has just made me disappear. I just cease to exist while life continues on. They now do all the things that he didn't have time or the desire to do. Now they have holidays, they celebrate birthday's,Christmas and the 4 of July. They have bought living room furniture, cars, painted the trim on the house. For 18 1/2 years none of that could be done, because we had no money and he didn't like what I liked. But the strange thing is, he did everything the way I wanted. But now it is his idea. So why do I miss him and the kids? I miss them all because I love them more than I love life.
I have to change the subject because I am crying too hard. It is cold in my trailer. I have the thermostat set at 63. I am trying to save my propane for when it is really cold. Of course it will get down to 40 or lower. Being from Southern California I am not used to the cold the way my friends here at DS seem to be. My son lives in Hoboken, New Jersey while he goes to college, so I have been in cold weather, not to mention I love to snow ski. But this trailer seems to get colder than -52degrees, which is the coldest I have ever been. My nose feels like it will fall off. I always wear a warm sweatshirt type jacket over my long sleeve t-shirt, with jeans and shoes and socks. On my lap is a down coverlet. When I finally can't stand it I will go to bed. I have an electric blanket which keeps me toasty at night. But being in bed alone just makes me even sadder. It isn't the sex, its the companionship that I need desperately. I wish I could talk to my ex and explain why I have done what I have done and that he would listen and really understand and appreciate how difficult and against all my own personal beliefs this has been. But that will probably never happen. I always have just wanted him to listen to me and understand what I really mean. But I never have been able to make my self understood to him or anyone else. I used to dream if I could just get someone in his family to explain it to him, he would understand and life would be so wonderful. But I was never allowed to talk to his mother and sisters. Again I probably couldn't have made myself understood.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

12/19/10 9:30am
After reading your journals I just wanted to say please know that I care about you. I know you are going through a very, very hard time. Lean on your friends, and please know that I\'m here to listen and help you in anyway I can.
I know what you mean about being in bed alone and wanting companionship, its a hard thing to get used to. I don\'t want my ex or anyone else in my bed now, but the feelings of loneliness is still there. Even though I have everyone around me the sadness is still there. I think we just miss the life we had, whether it was good or bad. It was easier somehow.
Stay warm, stay under that electric blanket, and know that a friend is thinking about you.
I\'m sending you warmth, prayers, love, friendship, peace and lots of (((Hugs))).
macgunderson
macgunderson

Thanks Georgeanna! Your the best!
trisha9054
trisha9054

I\'m sorry I missed this. I hear what you are saying and understand some of it. I too miss my ex but have the good sense to know I don\'t want him in my life. I think maybe you know that too about your ex.

I\'m sorry you are having such a bad time. I pray it will get easier for you. No suggestions, just that I hear you and hope it gets much better for you.
macgunderson
macgunderson

Thanks for reading my journal Trisha, I just love reading yours. I am just jealous, which I know is stupid, because my life really isn\'t as bad as I make it out to be. I am alive, have a roof over my head, food to eat. But I miss my family so much. Keeping writing your journals they make my day!!