Busy Buzz II
The unknown woman at the daycare has resumed her rightful place in rush hour anonymity since the exercise to separate the trigger from the trauma lead me to The Busy Buzz. As our little ship of fools settles into what feels like a steady course, I am being innundated by flashbacks from my first parenting career. Girl howdy, the buzy buzz was a dominant sountrack for that drama. Is it an exaggeration to say, "Devastatingly so?" I believe my greater errors were in what I was too busy to do than in what I found the time to do. Triple so for the work-a-holic I am still partnered with for this second parenting career.
Hubs has been grappling with this quandry, as well. He is back on the corporate clock now and isnae anywhere near certain he wants to be. The busy buzz isnae anywhere near as gratifying without the corporate water cooler exchanges to break up the tedium. His "Robocop Headquarters" here on the farm is mind-numbingly isolated. He would rather be tending his bees than buzzing with the corporate bigwigs. He even feels a drive to be more active in his second parenting career than he was in his first. I actively monitor my reflex to remind him often that my 65 year old shoulders arenae as strong as the 30 year shoulders that picked up his slack in the first go-round. Neither is the physical balance required to lift a toddler off the floor. Nor the bones which no longer need blunt force trauma to break.
As this piece of mental chaos settles, it doesnae feel urgent. To the contrary, I believe a sense of urgency is the drummer setting the beat to the daily gridlock felt most Anywhere, Planet Earth. Buzz on, good buddy, buzz on. Faster is better for getting ye gone. Watching your tail lights fade in the distance isnae my favorite pass time, but it is the best choice available.
Have I found the psycho snot knot?
Testing, one, two, three. . .
Replies
It sounds like good news that hubs wants to be more involved in the child rearing in your home this second time around as compared to the first time, arfie. I'd take him up on that since, as you say, you've let it be known that your 65 year old shoulders aren't as strong as they once were.
Buz lightyear wore a backpack to send him jetting off into space. Thinking this has a bit of relevance given your current 'ship of fools', smiling at that name....you are So Right, today's fast paced world is super dupper fast, watch out cause the "we don't care" and will mow you down in a heart beat if you get in their way.
Glad to read that hubby is willing, and more important 'doing' to help you carry the weight on your shoulders. A reoccurring theme of toxic Mom concern, well I think that dear number one son created in his mind, to avoid responsibility for his current life style? Don't know, I'm going from my own broken record syndrome in my 20's blaming Everything wrong in my life as "my parents fault" and what 'they didn't give me' that I thought ""should"" have been done or given to me.
In my own world of being a Mother, I too believe I was/am a 'toxic Mom' yet I'm human...it's hard for me to not feel the guilt and forgive myself for what I did or didn't do for John. When, in Oprah's words, "we know better, then we can do better''. I often think of you, the farm and the wonders of nature that the three grand kids would not experience, not to forget ballet dancing, swimming, base ball, first time ever their own bedrooms and So Much More you have provided.
The bottom line though for me is the way you and hubby try to avoid relationship challenges between yourselves away from the kiddo's. That to me is the most wonderful gift you could give to them for stability!! Love too that you use the baby as a barometer to measure the in home temperature indicator :) Your Amazing 'moving forward' steps will make all the difference in these children's lives as adults.
Perhaps the hardest part of recovery road is the huge gap between what I want to do and what I actually do. Real change isnae seldom as easy as a wish in anything more complex than rearranging furniture. I believe Hubby sincerely wants to be more involved in this go round, but he never intended to be MIA for so much of the first go-round. This time around, the over-sight could be fatal to what is left of my health. Is he just justing around again or? ? ?
Both my environmental and biology studies have me thoroughly convinced there isnae any such thing as a Non-Toxic life form. Not even the bleach blonde critter who started the Toxic People fad. Debate still raging over her species, but if she's eating and shitting, she's toxic. At the very least, her hair is toxic, as are the empty cosmetic containers she sends to the landfill. For my educated nickel, "Toxic People" is redundant. Why state the obvious? ALL humans are toxic, bio-hazard league. No exceptions.
It is my eldest son (40) who honors me as, "Toxic Mother." The tone of the honor hurts worse than the ignorance of the title. Of course his implied non-toxicity is useless to the needs of his nieces and nephew. I havenae asked why. Not mine to sort and I donae feel welcome to say hello, much less ask for help.
Prayers in progress that these steps do have a long term impact on the lives of these children. They arenae yet lost in the foster care system, but still dangerously close to those horrific realities. It is rare when the system is able to keep siblings together. I doubt I will have the strength to carry through on a standard 3 home foster care visitation arrangement if all this slides to those ends.
Continuing Prayers For Your, Hubby, Grand kids Highest Good Arfie