Business as Usual
Well it's back to work...same old stuff....I had to pass on the H.R. position and that really bothered me....there was no job security in it for me....no job description.....and no raise.....Wayne says, they wanted a lot of sugar for their dime...but I digress.
I am not sure why I am feeling like I am tonight.......I am truly sad.....truly blue.....wondering where it came from......knowing where it came from.......but not wanting to face the ugly truth.....life is not fair....I am really getting pissed off at the "not fairness" of it all.
Part of me gives "me" my own advice....tomorrow the sun will come up....the clouds will pass by....and all the other "wills" will happen.....but I feel empty, lost and saddened.
I thank my God everyday that I have the "Mom's" here to listen to me and to talk with. I think maybe the heat is killing part of my happy side. It is and can be so unbearable.
I have plans now....a future with true meaning...part of that is being true to myself...willing to put one foot in front of the other...willing to stumble and get right back up again.....I know I hold in my heart what my calling now is and I should be happy for myself, not saddened.
I think maybe I wish it could all end someday. No more losses, no more grief stricken Mothers, no more tears...and yet it goes on and on and on....this is not a road for the weak or the weary and sometimes I think I am the vice-president of the weak and weary club.
Yes I hear myself....I promise that once again tomorrow will come and the sun will shine and I will put my head on straight, I have too many people that depend on me to be strong...little do they know they are the well of strength that I tap into on a daily basis. Even when I do not write in my journal, do not speak to anyone, I am always reading and searching and listening to it all.
I pray this day that we all find that strength to tap into from whatever positive source that is out there, or here or just in your hearts or minds. When you feel as though you cannot go on...reach out for my hand and hold on tight...close your eyes and feel me next to you as I feel you next to me. Together we are so strong and we can ride this ride to the bitter end. It's what we do on the ride that counts.
I choose to be a survivor....I choose to live.....I choose life...I choose to be the one thing that no one person can take from me....I choose to be me.
I always feel so much better when I journal....I feel some of the weight lifting from me already....and I am grateful for that....it may sound like rambling or ranting but believe me......for today it has been screaming....crying....and once again asking "WHY????". Thanks for listening....as always....God Bless
Walking beside you always.....Jacqueline PLH MayLyn's Momma
MayLyn....be my strength....know I miss you terribly each and everyday....the children are wonderful........your sister is a blessing to me.....and your Daddy talks your name out loud to me everyday. He knows I love to hear your name. I hope I make you proud in every way.....XOXOX...Momma
I am not sure why I am feeling like I am tonight.......I am truly sad.....truly blue.....wondering where it came from......knowing where it came from.......but not wanting to face the ugly truth.....life is not fair....I am really getting pissed off at the "not fairness" of it all.
Part of me gives "me" my own advice....tomorrow the sun will come up....the clouds will pass by....and all the other "wills" will happen.....but I feel empty, lost and saddened.
I thank my God everyday that I have the "Mom's" here to listen to me and to talk with. I think maybe the heat is killing part of my happy side. It is and can be so unbearable.
I have plans now....a future with true meaning...part of that is being true to myself...willing to put one foot in front of the other...willing to stumble and get right back up again.....I know I hold in my heart what my calling now is and I should be happy for myself, not saddened.
I think maybe I wish it could all end someday. No more losses, no more grief stricken Mothers, no more tears...and yet it goes on and on and on....this is not a road for the weak or the weary and sometimes I think I am the vice-president of the weak and weary club.
Yes I hear myself....I promise that once again tomorrow will come and the sun will shine and I will put my head on straight, I have too many people that depend on me to be strong...little do they know they are the well of strength that I tap into on a daily basis. Even when I do not write in my journal, do not speak to anyone, I am always reading and searching and listening to it all.
I pray this day that we all find that strength to tap into from whatever positive source that is out there, or here or just in your hearts or minds. When you feel as though you cannot go on...reach out for my hand and hold on tight...close your eyes and feel me next to you as I feel you next to me. Together we are so strong and we can ride this ride to the bitter end. It's what we do on the ride that counts.
I choose to be a survivor....I choose to live.....I choose life...I choose to be the one thing that no one person can take from me....I choose to be me.
I always feel so much better when I journal....I feel some of the weight lifting from me already....and I am grateful for that....it may sound like rambling or ranting but believe me......for today it has been screaming....crying....and once again asking "WHY????". Thanks for listening....as always....God Bless
Walking beside you always.....Jacqueline PLH MayLyn's Momma
MayLyn....be my strength....know I miss you terribly each and everyday....the children are wonderful........your sister is a blessing to me.....and your Daddy talks your name out loud to me everyday. He knows I love to hear your name. I hope I make you proud in every way.....XOXOX...Momma
Replies
Thank you my friend for sharing I need to hear that others feel the same way on this journey we are on love to you and I look at my butterfly everyday it gives me hope
I love you my friend. Thanks for the talk, it\'s always so good to hear your voice and your love. Wayne is wonderful! Loved talking to him too! Yes, I feel your hand in mine and it gives me strength, thank you. Big hugs and lots of love, Teri.
A very touching journal. I can tell you are strong in spite of your position as VP of the weak and weary.
MayLyn! Jason! ...
Love, prayers, and hugs, Sharon
I JUST TAPPED IN TO A VERY POSITIVE SOURCE. THANK YOU JACQUELINE.MY BUTTERFLY HANGS IN MY BEDROOM AND REMINGS ME OF YOU ALEXSIS AND MAYLYN EVERYDAY. I LOVE YOU ALL. YOU HAVE REMINDED ME WITH THIS JOURNAL OF THE DEEP CONVERSATIONS WE HAD IN THE HOT TUB AT THE RETREAT AND WHY I CAME AWAY FROM THERE KNOWING YOU ARE A VERY SPECIAL PERSON. I CHERISH YOUR FRIENDSHIP. MUCH LOVE AND BIG HUGS. CHRISTI
walking with u hand in hand on this journey...luv bunches
I am glad that I tapped into your journal today. You inspire me to go on. I am on the Board of The Weak and Weary....positions that none of us wanted....God be with you and hold you close as He does each time we cry and ask Him the questions that will be answered one day. Love, Dale, Brandon\'s Mom
Tight hugs
Jaqueline, MayLyn\'s Momma, I extend my hand to you. Together we will make this journey together. Love & tight hugs. Linda, Eddie\'s Mom
I am always amazed at the honesty and wisdom of so many moms here on FMO. Those miserable times when we feel so alone and so cheated are the times we most need to reach out. The ride is eternal and we are connected through the most terrible loss. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Love and light, Rebecca
Thinking of you my friend and hoping you know how much you mean to me. You are absolutely amazing. It is normal to have days such as you\'re having. Thank goodness we have each other and all of our other \"sisters\" on here.
Love, Kelly (Justin\'s Mom)
Holding your hand tight...sending you much love, Valerie
When we share like this it knits our hearts closer together. I understand what you are sharing and wish I didn\'t. I wish that when I read this journal it was more like a foreign language yet it has become my language too. I do feel you, I see you and without the loving moms that are courageous enough to show up here I would be toast. Sending you loving support and caring hugs as we companion one another on this journey not for the faint of heart, huh? Hope the heat eases some as I can only imagine the discomfort you feel. Love to you and thank you for being you. Joanie
Such a beautiful entry. Our loss tugs at the heartstrings continually, yet we feel blessings all around us and we have to let the blessings win everytime. We have to become better not bitter. You inspire me and as I continue to look at my \"butterfly\" that you made, I will not only remember my beloved son, I will remember to be \"me\". Love to you. Robin
Grab my hand and hold on tight and together we will survive. When we are going downhill I will put more strength in the grip so you don\'t go down too fast and when we are going uphill I will pull you to the top and together we can be glad. Wishing you serenity on this day.
Jacqueline, thanks for sharing your heart today. It has been a rough weekend for me and your journal brings hope, knowing I\'m not alone in my feelings. I know MayLyn helps to hold you up...as all our angels do. Hugs, Kim