burial

Today we buried my father one of the kindest most wonderful men in the world.  I lied to him just before he died ....I told him we would take care of each other and everything would be fine.....but it wont be.  i am checking out emotionally i cant take care of anyone else....not even my daughters they have lost a grand father and a mother my husband has lost a wife. i have lost my soul.  i cant be the person that i shoulc be for him.  i cant be the person anyone needs me to be anymore.  when i die there will be nothing for me beyond i am not a person who deserves that.  i am an empty shell i dont know how air is even moving in and out of my body....i dont know how i will go on.....i dont know how to move ..............he was the best i am the worst...i shouldnt have lied but his mind was hanging on to a dying body.  now if he is somewhere else he knows truly what a horrible person i am.  what a dissapointment.  people like him and my mom should go on not people like me.  i am suppose to take care of my brother the estate my brothers family my family ...there is nothing left of me there is nothing to take care of anyone just anger and bitterness to push people away i am weak.  my body is tired. ilied to everyone today....all the people today and last night.  laughing and crying and hugging and listening to their stories.  the fact is he is gone.....too many people are gone and it is just what keeps happening.....i dont even have the energy to hold our new grandbaby.  it is just too much.