burnt

So I burned in my car at lunch time, it feels good at the time then I always think after why did I do that. It has helped release some of the tension but I am sitting here at my desk still feeling horrible. She is 20 feet away and she may as well be 20 miles away. It hurts so much. I know when I am sitting in my car at lunch time that she will be back from her lunch not sure why I do it to myself as I know I will see her and I want to but its like I am punishing myself. Cant keep this up forever, the spot where I picked out for my suicide will not be as good of hiding place soon to with all the leaves falling from the trees. I need time for the pills to kick in without being found. Its all planned out in my head but I am so scared it will fail.