Bummin
Today has been kinda hard and I don't know why- I ate fine, no purging and self injury as of yet- hope I can keep it up!
I'm getting really nervous about college. I sent in the application, my high school transcript and my SAT scores. I just need to send in my college transcript (which is kind of pointless because the semester isn't even over), and complete the FAFSA form. I'm worried about housing because I was going to try to room with one of my two friends, and idk if I can because I'm a transfer student. But I just can't stay here anymore. There are so many memories here, but they're dead ones and I'm holding on to them for nothing. I want a new start. And I'm petrified of it because t's a big school and what if I'm lonely at night or I feel that pit in my stomach when I wake up one morning or everything starts spinning too fast and I can't keep up? I'm so scared but I see no other option here.
I have a good amount of friends there so that's good. I won't be totally isolated, but it's still so hard. And if I end up with some random roommate, I have to try to be okay with that. I just want to live my life. I want to forget about Amelia because honestly I don't understand why I would want to waste my time on someone who is hell bent on pretending what we had never existed. She is happy pretending and what more can I do? Nothing. Not one damn thing. She brought out the worst in me and made me a nightmare to be around. I always replay the good times in my head, but I tend to gloss over the nights I sat by the phone desperate just for a text from her, the time she hung up on me when I asked if she could maybe tell her mom about us after three months of dating, the time I accidentally said something too loudly near her ear and she exploded at me. I was a clingy, over the top, overbearing mess with her and I understand why she couldn't take it. But I wouldn't have turned into that if I wasn't hidden and ignored. This is a two way street and I fucked up a lot and she fucked up a little more and everything went to hell in a hand basket and why am I talking about this? I don't know.
I just need to get away but I'm so scared to let go because I'm not as awesome as people make me out to be. I'm not the social butterfly, I'm secretly awkward and self conscious. How am I gonna do this? This place could eat me alive. But at the same time I have a desire to go, whereas I had no desire a few months ago. This town blows and I want to fly away.
EDITED: I just found out my friend Jess applied to transfer to the same school for the spring semester and we are gonna room together!!!!! =)
It shouldn't be too hard because we'll take any hall or room as long as we're together. I'm sure they'll be fine with that, they'll relish the chance to throw us in the shittiest hall, but we won't care because we work so well together and will be such good roomates- our sleeping habits are the same, we both balance studying and fun, neither of us smoke, we both drink only on weekends, we're both resistant to change and giggly and outgoing- it's PERFECT!
I'm pretty sure this will all work out but I for sure hope it will because...
this my first happy green face since Amelia =)
Here goes the rest of my crazy beautiful life =)
I'm getting really nervous about college. I sent in the application, my high school transcript and my SAT scores. I just need to send in my college transcript (which is kind of pointless because the semester isn't even over), and complete the FAFSA form. I'm worried about housing because I was going to try to room with one of my two friends, and idk if I can because I'm a transfer student. But I just can't stay here anymore. There are so many memories here, but they're dead ones and I'm holding on to them for nothing. I want a new start. And I'm petrified of it because t's a big school and what if I'm lonely at night or I feel that pit in my stomach when I wake up one morning or everything starts spinning too fast and I can't keep up? I'm so scared but I see no other option here.
I have a good amount of friends there so that's good. I won't be totally isolated, but it's still so hard. And if I end up with some random roommate, I have to try to be okay with that. I just want to live my life. I want to forget about Amelia because honestly I don't understand why I would want to waste my time on someone who is hell bent on pretending what we had never existed. She is happy pretending and what more can I do? Nothing. Not one damn thing. She brought out the worst in me and made me a nightmare to be around. I always replay the good times in my head, but I tend to gloss over the nights I sat by the phone desperate just for a text from her, the time she hung up on me when I asked if she could maybe tell her mom about us after three months of dating, the time I accidentally said something too loudly near her ear and she exploded at me. I was a clingy, over the top, overbearing mess with her and I understand why she couldn't take it. But I wouldn't have turned into that if I wasn't hidden and ignored. This is a two way street and I fucked up a lot and she fucked up a little more and everything went to hell in a hand basket and why am I talking about this? I don't know.
I just need to get away but I'm so scared to let go because I'm not as awesome as people make me out to be. I'm not the social butterfly, I'm secretly awkward and self conscious. How am I gonna do this? This place could eat me alive. But at the same time I have a desire to go, whereas I had no desire a few months ago. This town blows and I want to fly away.
EDITED: I just found out my friend Jess applied to transfer to the same school for the spring semester and we are gonna room together!!!!! =)
It shouldn't be too hard because we'll take any hall or room as long as we're together. I'm sure they'll be fine with that, they'll relish the chance to throw us in the shittiest hall, but we won't care because we work so well together and will be such good roomates- our sleeping habits are the same, we both balance studying and fun, neither of us smoke, we both drink only on weekends, we're both resistant to change and giggly and outgoing- it's PERFECT!
I'm pretty sure this will all work out but I for sure hope it will because...
this my first happy green face since Amelia =)
Here goes the rest of my crazy beautiful life =)
Replies
yay you will be fine hun feel the fearand do it anyway its worth it!
fear is only in your mind
dont let it take u over be brave and strong!
I understand how much having an ex pretend you never existed hurts, trust me. I dated someone for 2 years and he won\'t give me the time of day anymore.
But if someone \"forgets\" about you just like that, they weren\'t worth missing in the first place.
You\'re gonna do great things, I just know it. You seem so driven and motivated to be the best you can be, regardless of things that may frighten you.
Good luck in your new school! :)
Change is scary. You don\'t know exactly what to expect but I expect it will be great! And if it\'s not...there are always other options :) how exciting.
Wow!!!! Finally!!!! A green face, after all this time!!!!! Yayyyyyyyy!!!!!
LOL!!!! When you and your friend do whatever it takes to be put in the same room together, be sure not to say, \'And you can throw us in the shittiest room you want, too!!!!\' Why would they relish the thought of throwing you in the worst hall!!!? At any rate, don\'t encourage them to!! Maybe you\'ll land somewhere nice!!!!
I\'m glad her going with you makes you feel much more comfortable about going!!!! If you do find yourself feeling a bit of trepidation about any aspects of transferring to that school, keep in mind that it\'s perfectly natural to feel that way!!!! And it\'s all fear of the unknown!!! Once it\'s known, the fear will dissipate!!!
I\'m glad that things look brighter for you now!!!! You have been very unhappy up till now!! And now you have something wonderful to look forward to!!!!!!
I hope it all goes well!!!!!
And good for you for resisting and forms of self harm!!!! I hope that continues, too!!! (((((Hugs)))))
Sounds great! Happy for you!