Eating disorders, I don't get why they're all lumped together anymore. I come on this board, and I'm reading posts by people with anorexia, and it can just be so... I don't get it... I don't understand the psychology behind anorexia. I don't understand what they're going through. I have these thoughts, like, "what the HELL, I can't STOP eating food, and these people can't START, how are we related?!?" I understand how a person can sorta "morph" back and forth between bulima, and then restricting, and then anorexia... I can see that. But when you are deep in bulimia, it's so confusing to try to relate to someone who can't SWALLOW FOOD. It feels dangerous too. It feels like sometimes the Eating Disorders board is dangerous. There are dishonest people there, and if you piss off the wrong person, they can attack and send you spiralling... I'm seriously considering... maybe it's not a healthy place for me to be right now, on the ED boards. I want to put bulimia behind me. I have 2 months b/p free, but I'm not free of the compulsion to overeat, or to binge on sugary crap.,.,., I got it bad for the sugar.... And I'm gaining weight. I would hate to send someone spiralling into restricting or worse, just because I mention a little weight gain... I'm sorta comfortable with the weight gain, just SORTA, I'm not happy about it, but it's not driving me crazy either... I guess I'm just trying to say, it confuses me to read posts from anorexics. I think it would be better if I could only read and correspond with bulimics. Does that make sense? I just feel it's triggering to me, to read about people who are too skinny, who can't eat... it makes me feel fat... It's stupid really, but the whole thing is fucked up, this whole thing... I want to be free. I want to eat like a normal person. I want to feel good in my clothes, no matter what weight I am. I want to look like a healthy person, not a shrivelled up 45 yr old person, trying to wear tank tops and belly shirts and looking pitiful and scraggly and stupid... I want so much to look and to feel healthy. I want it to show on my face. I want it to show in my manner, in the way I talk and the way I walk. I want to step outside of my own neuroses, I want to connect with other people, I want to be a good listener, a genuine person, to help other people, God knows there are people with worse problems than MY white-bread ass... I want much more for myself than I've been allowed these past 30 years. Fuck this disease. Fuck bulimia. Fuck alcohol. You have taken from me. You have taken from my family, my kids, my friends... You've held me back from being the whole, complete, caring, giving person I can be. You've made me focus only on myself, my physical self, my looks.. The rest of me was stunted, my personality, my growth as a person... stunted. I'm growing now. Emotionally. There's not a damn thing you can do about it, as long as I stay on top of you. You can't have one more day of my life. You can't have one more day. This is my life. It's my body. It's healthy, strong, and pain-free. Thank you God, for this beautiful body. Thank God I can still run up and down the steps, like it's nothing. Thank God I can dig holes in the hard-packed earth, thank God I can climb trees, thank God I can trundle down a steep bank on the first day of Trout Season, and throw a line in... Thank you God.