Brotherly Feud By Email

Saturday, March 14, 2009 Let me try making everything easier by printing exactly what I wrote Lee (my brother), and then his response to me: "Dear Lee,   Following our counseling session this past Monday, Dr. Martin, Dale, and I were somewhat unsure about something you said near the latter part of our session. I cannot give you the exact quotes, but I can paraphrase three of them. Please let me know if these are accurate.   1. After the session before this one, you asked me a question and I said that I could not answer it until I did some processing and spoke with Dr. Martin.   2. During the session this week, you made a comment about my not answering questions quickly, and said that Barbara (his wife), and your two daughters, said the same thing.   3. Just before you left the session Monday, you said that you were ashamed to be seen in public with me.   Thanks for your help." Now, here is his reply: "Hi, Jim--       I guess I shouldn't say anything at the end of a session, but the middle doesn't seem to work a lot better.  Let me work backwards, taking these up 3 to 1.   3.  Nope. I didn't say at the end of the meeting that I was ashamed to be seen in public with you.  Something like this did come up much earlier, when I was explaining my childhood ambivalence about caring for you.  You may remember I invoked Boystown: "He isn't heavy, he's my brother."  I added to that this (speaking metaphorically): You were heavy.  The two things together were meant to indicate divided feelings: on the one hand, love and caring; on the other, resentment and embarrassment.  I was talking about your peeing on me.  Remember?  I added, in response to something Loraine asked, that I had largely but not entirely gotten over the embarrassed part, because I had grown and changed, learning more about  people with disabilities in general, learning more about many other forms of difference, and of course there is no longer anything to resent.   2.  "Quickly" was never the issue.  I was telling you that you often refuse to respond directly--openly, forthrightly--to things, and this is, as I did say, something that Barb and my daughters have observed.  (I should of course leave them all out of it.  Sorry.)  You did tell me after the meeting before the last that you couldn't tell me what you felt about something until after you had talked to Loraine.  In general, when pressed to give an opinion or to say what you think or to explain what you feel, you often side-step.  You say things like "I don't know yet"; "I don't want to say because I don't like to talk before I think"; "I'm not sure"; "I'll have to think about that."  These, too, are rough paraphrases.  You seem afraid of offending, so afraid that you evade whatever the truth is, or so it seems to me.  I said (no doubt too quickly at the end) that it was hard to get an authentic response from you, a response that was not filtered by your careful calculation, not shaped by consultation with your team.  You are extremely guarded.  The result, for me anyway, is that you sometimes seem unreal.    1,  This is more or less accurate.  I wish I could remember exactly what the topic was, but I can't.  It was a question about what you thought and/or felt.  You did say you couldn't tell me until you had talked it over with Loraine.   This struck me then, and still strikes me now, as some kind of weird refusal to be yourself without guidance, or perhaps approval, from others.   I said in our very first joint session that I thought you were afraid (needlessly afraid) of crossing anyone, of annoying anyone, of offending anyone.  I cited then, as an example, your behavior in the hospital (I had just visited you there a short time before).  It seemed clear that you couldn't bring yourself to complain, even though you were being mistreated.  I imagine that some of this is related to your fear of anger.  I am happy to explore any or all of this next time (preferably not at the very end of a session--my fault).   I hope this helps whatever it is that you are up to.  I'm interested in having us understand each other better and in improving our relationship through such understanding.  Above all, I want you to have a better life.    Email is an awkward medium; it is hard to be precise in a quick note, so please don't get hung up on any one word or formulation.  Do we have another meeting scheduled?  Do you want another meeting?   Love, Lee     PS   Since Loraine and Dale seem to share your confusions, perhaps you should forward this email to them.  It might help." After that I then sent the following message: "Dear Lee,   Thanks for your email. We do not yet have another meeting scheduled. I suspect Dale wants to have just one a month. Do you have any special reason for thinking that I would not want another meeting? That question sounded somewhat peculiar.   I'll let you know when something is scheduled.   Love,   Jim" This was his reply: "Nope.  I didn't mean anything special.  It was just a round-about way of wondering how you were liking this process.  Have a good weekend. Lee" I fired off one more message to him:"The process doesn't really matter as long as it gets me where I need to be.     Jim" I also sent copies of our emails to Dale and Dr. Martin, as well as this: "I initiated some email with Lee today, and am sending copies to both of you. There is nothing I can add except to say that I still feel Lee said that he was ashamed to be seen with me in public. I guess there is no way I can prove what I heard him say, but I have nothing to gain by lying.   I will see both of you next week.   Sincerely,   Jim"  Did I confuse anyone? If so, let me know.