Broken Record
While I apologize for posting yet another sad , depressing post of my struggles. I need to get it out.
I think a big fear of mine was that I would be forgotten and alone... and that is my life. I think of family and friends who have gone before me... how I miss them and they have been popping in my mind lately. I am here in this house -- it may be my haven / escape--- but is also a prison. Noone can come here--- I cannot go anywhere... Just me .
Yes I know--- work on myself, call friends... There are moments that I cannot describe the emptiness and find myself falling back into the sadness as I am reminded of things I desperately wanted (but was not meant to have) and now once again-- trying to hope and move forward. I reach out and connect with others-- but all are far away... and even those close are also out of reach (without a hazmat suit)
When I do connect and find someone there is always a stumbling block-- either too much distance or that they are still connected with another. I find myself wondering why it is so hard to find love or someone you can share all that you have to give? Why in the hell did God give me the capacity to feel and want to share and express this with another if it is always to be dangling too far away?
Replies
You never have to apologize for sharing your feelings. It’s best to get it out and not keep it bottled up.
I am so sorry that you are struggling right now and feel alone. You have dealt with so much in the past few months and then you get hit with this craziness of quarantine. You have been strong and will continue to be strong. You are entitled to your days of sadness, feel them, acknowledge the feelings and know that they won’t last forever.
You have much to offer and you will find someone to share that with eventually. Unfortunately these things don't always happen when we want them to, but when we least expect it.
Hang in there, know that you are a valued friend to many of us here on DS, and we are here for you.
Big hugs to you my friend,
Kim
Kim,
This whole "Stay at Home thing is beginning to get to everyone. Man is a social being and when this is stopped, it bothers a person.
It seems hard for those who deal with depression. Seeing the empty highways, businesses closed, no traffic on main street, no people visiting anyone. It all just sucks and sickens everyone.
I can't help but think something is behind all of this but if this isolation keeps up. things are really going to get crazy. The state of Michigan is in an uproar. The people are defying the stay at home order and going to the beaches in California. You can only restrict people for a certain time then, things begin to go crazy.
Hang in there, we are all in this together, Things will change. I wish the best for you.
I’m thinking a lot of family and friends who have come and gone too a lot lately. I think it’s just this whole isolation thing lends itself to being still, reflecting and thinking about things more. I have a lot of my friends who live alone who are struggling to with lack of connection. It’s just hard for everyone, for all kinds of reasons I think.
Taking the self isolation out of the picture, I think sometimes we have to just accept we may not get the things we longed for or even needed. I had a therapist once just say to me, after lamenting about something with I think my dad, wishing he could have given me what I needed it something like that . That wasn’t important; what was is that she said to me, you don’t get to have that. She didn’t sound harsh. It was a empathically stated fact. And it just kind of came to me that she was right. I don’t and so what what then? Her point was we don’t always get what we needed or what we want, or thought we’d have. We just don’t. And so knowing that and accepting that, how do we want to live going forward? .
I don’t think it’s about “not meant to be.” That makes it sound like the universe or god decides sorry, you just don’t get that, like a punishment. No, sometimes it’s just simply how things turn out. I’m not saying you’re destined to be alone. I’m saying nothing is promised to anyone and so knowing that, how do you want to live your life should it be that you don’t meet someone?
I would try to be open to all possibilities. Because no one know what’s in store. What if you really tried to make peace with what you life is right now. That’s it. Just right now. I’m married but honestly I was equally happy and content being single too. I had to be. What was I going to do, be miserable because things didn’t go the way I’d hope? If we all took that approach not one person I know would be happy.
I’m sorry you are sad and lonely. Loneliness is awful. But I think you can have a rich, beautiful life independent of another person. You can. People do it day in and day out.
You put my thoughts into words!!! I feel the same about all this. I feel emotionally distanced. I was physically at a distance from most before all this happened. I was just in the basement doing laundry and wondering how we got to this point in time. It used to feel good at home and we had friends to depend on or at least call if we needed. Now everyone is afraid of those we see.
On the news there was shown drones who spy to see if we are 6 feet apart or if we have a fever. This is not right in this country. We are "social" beings like OLD BIKER said. We are not meant to be alone. I cry more these days not just my situation but I am truely lonely. It seems hopeless and now the fat-sob-gov closed us for another month. He has his close knit group and guards but we are out in the real world.
There is more trouble because of all this than it helps.
T
Sending a virtual hug. Your feelings sound perfectly normal, considering your situation. Isolation is hard. The biggest comfort I have here is that God is always close. Reading my Bible brings me peace and reminds me that God's love is perfect, unchanging, and dependable. I hope you can hold onto that and feel His overwhelming love. It gives me strength to face anything.
Many people are going through this. Hang in there. We will be different when we emerge from this.
I honestly feel relief when your journal posts pop up. You're keeping it real. Big hugs
hugs my friend. you have been through a wringer and still have strength to carry on. You are stronger than you realize. I think about the past too and where I am now. I go out only if I need my meds and walking in the back of the condo building. We will get through this. We are going to be fine. Post here all you want and there is no need to apologize. We are here for each other.
Thank you all for the kind words. @ rmb I think you are right that we don't always get what we need. When Dave first passed, I was trying to decide what I wanted . I was checking apt complexes near my family thinking I would get to spend more time with them, The thing was, the prices are more expensive (though not near the cost of owning a home and being taxed to death. ) I would not have to worry about repairs or upkeep but still have things I want. I was still feeling a need to reach out and connect with others.
Given too much time on my hands and something dampening my spirits and starting the downward spiral.. I feel this overwhelming feeling like maybe it IS a punishment? And @ foodcooppres-- I know he is to be always with us and a loving God--- but I am finding myself doubting this.
I realize that with all I have been through, I would always learn after the fact why things did happen and come to understand God's reasoning. Then I would go on to the next pebble in the road. What I cannot fathom is WHY he puts such a deep desire in our soul for something but then never allows us to stumble across it in this lifetime?. There are many people who (because of circumstances they did not create) would go on to spend much of their lives feeling inferior, unwanted or unloved--- or worse there are others like myself who , for years playing the role to keep up appearances in the dysfunctional family would shut down and not feel anything. Once I learned the truth and got help I needed , I would finally unleash those feelings. What I wonder now is WHY did I even bother? It does help me to know how others are also feeling and I do whatever I can to reach out to them so they do not have to feel the pain I have..
While I was fortunate to have some good feelings here and there--- the majority for a long time now have been the emptiness and that ache that seems never to be filled. I get we need the bad stuff to appreciate the good, but why are some forced to endure such bad for most of our lives? What did we do??? (And why s it such a cardinal sin for me to want to be able to share all the love and life I have left to give with another? Or for me to need to feel human touch and that connection with another who does also admit to being human?)
I am so tired of hoping or praying or wishing. Feeling like it is painfully clear none of that helps. :(
Hugs Kim.
Watch this!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePrO9bJiPR8
So in other words, if we act sad and depressed all the time, the universe sends us more of the same because it thinks we like it because we are projecting it and it doesn't know the difference....it's just the way things work, you see?
God Bless
You don't need to apologize. This is what this site is about you have every right to post on what your feeling and this is suppose to be the site where you don't feel judged or judge others.yes family and close friends do care out in the real world but I find you can't always talk to them about it because people get overwhelmed seing it or hearing about it
We all have struggles 1 way or another.like me I'm a very emotional person and get anxiety.but because I have a husband I love and loves me and a 5 year old little girl as smart as can be and a newborn son who's 5 weeks old who I really cherish and my doggie who's a yellow lab makes it a lot more better for me to manage.
You ever think about getting your self a pet as a companion? They do help out a lot.I feel beside my husband my children and doggie makes everything all better most of the time which makes me wanna cry a lot less and indulge on ice cream and cookies.
Hang in there the good moments will be on there way.