BROKEN HEART & BROKEN SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay! So I stopped by Jimmy's yesterday to try to come up with a little money for gas & possible meds today!? And, when I pull in I see Cody walking down the highway right there! And, wellllllll........ stupid me just had to go up to him & say: Hey Cody! How are you??? You really look good!!! You look really great! Look like your doing okay!? Are you!? So then he looks at me like of all people that he could bump into he had to bump into me!!! Had that conceited, snotty look down on me look!!! And, very reluctantly answered! I told him that I wasn't trying to bother him or hunt him down, that I had accidently seen him while trying to go to see Jimmy! I told him that I was horribly sick & needed to get to the doctor & get my meds so that I could get okay!? And, that I had brought something down to Jimmy's to ask him about, so that I could make it to the doctor today & get my meds & that in the process of doing that I had accidently seen him walking right there & just wanted to come up & talk to him a bit!
I told him that I just hadn't seen him in a long time & that I had wondered if he was alright or how he was doing!? And, just wanted to take a moment to see how he was doing before I went in to see Jimmy!
WELLLLLLL.........................MY SON BEING THE GREAT COLD HEARTED, MEAN, CRUEL, VICIOUS, KNOT NOSED-KNOW IT ALL, JACK-ASS, ARROGANT LITTLE PUNK SOB THAT HE IS!!!! SAID ALL OF THIS TO ME!!!!! :
So the above is exactly what transpired up front on my part! And, at one point when we were talking I looked back behind me & the forward into traffic at the crossover--because Jimmy was having the aution & there were people gathering & cars coming in & out!!! And, we weren't quite in the middle of the driveway, but we were still in danger of being hit if somebody came flying in off the hwy in there! Because we were right up there against oncoming traffic with just our bodies! And, I didn't want either of us to be hit by a car, truck, etc......... So I looked back & then out into traffic at the crossover to see if anybody was coming at us, or at us too fast! And was thinking that I would suggest to Cody that we move out of the way a little more & while I was thinking this I reached out for his hand to take it & was going to suggest to him that we move as far over to the side of the driveway as possible because I didn't want eiher of us to get hit!!!
And, don't you know that that stupid retarded little GD punk went out of his way to make something of that!!!!! He didn't say it immediately! He waited until umpteen other things were flying out of his mouth & then he blurted out: "Oh ya!!! And, by the way, I saw you looking around while ago & I know that you were thinking about hitting me & were going to hit me, but then you looked around to see if anybody looking & you saw that there were people back there looking & so you decided not to & backed off!!!" To which I said: OMG!!!! ARE FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!??? YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR EVER LOVING MIND!!!!! I WAS LOOKING AROUND TO CHECK THE TRAFFIC BECAUSE WE WERE IN THE WAY OF PEOPLE GOING IN & OUT & JIMMY IS HAVING THIS PUBLIC AUCTION & PEOPLE WILL BE FLYING IN HERE OFF OF THE HWY...... & IF WE'RE STANDING IN THE WAY THEY MIGHT HIT US & I DIDN'T WANT US TO FREAKING GET HIT!!!!!! AND, OMG!!!!! YOU ARE TAKING THAT ONE PROTECTIVE INNOCENT MOM MOMENT & TWISTING IT ALL AROUND & MAKING A PROTECTIVE MOMENT INT A FREAKING ABUSIVE MOMENT!!!!??? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!! THAT IS UNFREAKING-BELIEVEABLE!!!!!!!!"
And, he said, the same back to me, pretty much!? Said, "Ya!!! Right!!!! Sure you were!!!!!??? You were going to try to hit me, but then you looked around & saw other people looking & then backed off!!!!" And, then I told him the same shit again, about how he is out of his freaking mind!!!!! And, about how warped he freaking is!!!! And, about how, I pull in there to see Jimmy, then see him walking & then decide to take a chance on being treated like crap & being fucking shit on by him JUST.....SO I COULD SEE HIM FOR 5 FUCKING MINUTES & SEE HOW HE WAS DOING & IF HE WAS FREAKING ALRIGHT OR NOT!!!??? AND, NOW HERE HE WAS TAKING SOMETHING PERFECTLY WONDERFUL & GOOD & TURNING IT INTO SOMETHING BAD & UGLY!!!! AND, WE FOUGHT BACK & FORTH & BACK & FORTH AT EACH OTHER ON THE SIDE OF THE HWY LIKE CATS & DOGS!!!! AND, I WAS YELLING AT THIS POINT!!! WHICH HE MADE A FUCKING BIG DEAL OF TOO!!!
WELL, HELL!!!! OF COURSE I WAS YELLING AT HIM BY NOW FOR ALL OF HIS STUPID, RETARDED, REDICULOUS BS/ACCUSATIONS COMING OUT OF HIS DAMNED STUPID MOUTH & BEING HURLED AT ME!!!!!! OF COURSE I WAS MAD AS HELL AT THIS POINT & YELLING AT HIM!!! HELL!!!! I HAD TO YELL OVER THE GD TRAFFIC!!!!!!
IT ALL STARTED TO GO DOWN HILL WHEN I MENTIONED THAT I WAS SICK & WAS TRYING TO GET TO THE DOCTOR & GET SOME MEDICINE! SO AT THAT POINT HE DECIDED TO GO PLUMB OFF THE DEEP END!!!!! AND, TAKE THAT MOMENT OF ME BEING ILL & IN DISTRESS! AND, THEN MAKE SOMETHING HORRIBLE OUT OF IT & TURNED THE WHOLE GD THING AROUND ON ME & TOLD ME "WELL!!!! WHAT I NEEDED TO DO WAS TO GET MYSELF A JOB & PAY FOR IT & THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE DOCTOR OR GETTING MY MEDS! I'D HAVE THE MONEY TO DO THAT IF I'D GET MY OUT & GET A JOB!!! HE TOLD ME THAT IF WOULD GET A JOB THAT IT WOULD FIX EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE!!!!" THAT IF I WOULD GET A JOB THAT THAT THE BRAIN INJURY STUFF WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM ANYMORE! THAT MY MS WOULD GO AWAY & NOT BE A PROBLEM ANY MORE! THAT IF I GOT A JOB THAT I WOULDN'T GET SICK ANYMORE! HE BASICALLY SAID THAT IF I WOULD GET A JOB THAT IT WOULD FIX & CURE EVERYTHING!!!
AND, I SAID!!!!! "REALLY!!!!!???? IF THAT IS TRUE THEN WHY DID I HAVE ANY OF THIS OR GET ANY OF THIS IN THE FIRST GD PLACE!!!!!!???? I WAS WORKING!!!!!! I WAS WORKING MY GD ASS OFF WHEN THE WRECK HAPPENED TO ME & I GOT MY GD TBI IN THE 1ST PLACE!!!! WHEN I GOT MY RIB CAGE RIPED APART IN THE 1ST PLACE!!!!! AND, I WENT BACK TO THAT JOB AFTER A CERTAIN POINT IN MY RECOVERY!!!! AND, NONE OF THAT FIXED ANYTHING!!!!!
AND, I'VE HAD JOBS SINCE THEN!!!! THE ANIMAL FOUNDATION! DR. FELS--VET! WALMART! AND, NONE OF THAT FIXED ANY OF IT!!!!!!! GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!! IT DIDN'T FIX ANY OF IT!!!!! AND, LIKE WHEN I WAS WORKING AT WM!? THEY STUCK ME ON THE NIGHTSHIFT & I TOLD THEM THAT I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO THAT LONG TERM!!!! THAT I WOULD DO IT SHORT TERM TO GET MY FOOT IN THE DOOR & TO SHOW THEM WHAT KIND OF WORKER THAT I WAS!!! BUT THEN THEY JUST KEPT ME ON THAT DAMNED NIGHT SHIFT!!!! AND, I GOT REAL BAD SICK!!!! AND I TOLD THEM I HAD TO TAKE SOME TIME OUT TO RECOVER! AND, THEN THEY GOT ALL ASS ABOUT IT!!!! SAID THAT THEY NEEDED A DOCTORS NOTE & THAT THEY WEREN'T HAPPY ABOUT IT CAUSE THEY NEEDED ME AT WORK!!!! AND, I TOLD THEM THAT I WAS REAL BAD SICK & THAT THE DOCTOR HAD PUT ME ON BED REST & TOLD ME TO TAKE A COUPLE OF WEEKS OFF SO THAT MY BODY WOULD HAVE TIME TO RECOVER!!!
THEY WOULD HAVE WRITTEN ME FOR LESS TIME OFF, BUT THE DOCTOR SAID THAT WITH THE WORK BEING FULL TIME, & IT BEING NIGHT SHIFT THAT I NEEDED TO TAKE THAT FULL TIME OFF!!! BECAUSE WORKING FULL TIME HOURS, ESP...... ON 3RD SHIFT WOULD KILL ME!!! AND, THAT I WOULD JUST GET SICKER & WIND UP IN THE HOSPITAL!!!!! AND, THEY GAVE ME A HARD ASSHOLE TIME OVER IT!!!! AND, THEN I TOOK MY TIME OFF & GAVE THEM A FUCKING DOCTORS NOTE, JUST LIKE THEY ASK!!!!! AND, THEY JUST KEPT CALLING & HARRASSING ME TO COME IN!!!!! AND, TELLING ME THAT THEY'D HAVE TO LET ME GO IF I DIDN'T HURRY UP & GET MY ASS BACK OVER THERE!!! AND, I TOLD THEM THAT I HAD SEEN THE DOCTOR & HE HAD WRITTEN ME OUT, & THAT THEY HAD MADE A COPY OF IT!!! AND, I KNEW DAMNED GOOD IN WELL THAT THEY HAD IT!!!!!! AND, THAT LEGALLY THEY COULD NOT DO SHIT ABOUT IT!!! BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP THEM FROM HARRASSING ME & TREATENING ME!!!!!
AND, ALL THAT GD STRESS DIDN'T HELP MY RECOVERY!!!!! AND, I ASK THEM TO PLEASE PUT ME ON ANOTHER SHIFT!!!! AND, A PART-TIME DAY SHIFT!!!! THAT WAY I COULD COME BACK A LITTLE SOONER MAYBE!? AND, THEN BE ABLE TO WORK WITHOUT GETTING SO SICK IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!! MY BODY JUST CAN'T HANDLE THAT KIND OF FULL TIME WORK ON THAT KIND OF NIGHT SHIFT!!!!! AND, I WAS WORKING IN STOCK!!!! I HAD TO LIFT HEAVY BOXES THE WHOLE TIME & LUG THEM AROUND!!!!! AND, STOCK THE SHELVES!!! AND, I DIDN'T MIND THE WORK!!!! I LIKED IT ACTUALLY!!!! BUT IT WAS THE CONSTANT HEAVY LIFTING FOR 8 FUCKING HOURS!!!!! AT 4 HRS, I WAS READY TO GO HOME!!!!! AT 6 I WAS DEAD ON MY FEET & NOT EVEN ABLE TO FUNCTION & WAS FALLING ASLEEP!!!
AND, I HAD THE OLD MAN AT HOME WITH ALL HIS FUCKING ALZHEIMER'S SHIT!!! AND, ALL HIS MEDICAL SHIT & ALL HIS DOCTORS!!!!! AND, THAT HAD TO BE DONE IN THE DAYTIME!!!! AND, THEN THERE WAS CODY EXPECTING ME TO RUN HIM BACK & FORTH TO WORK & OTHER PLACES & THEN HE HAD TO GO TO THE DOCTORS, HOSPITALS, ETC...... AND, THAT DIDN'T INCLUDE ME HAVING TO MAKE APPTS FOR MYSELF & TAKE MYSELF EVERY WEEK!? AND, BY THE TIME I GOT OFF AT 7 IN THE MORNING & GOT HOME, THEM & THE DOGS WERE ALL READY TO GET UP!!!!! AND, THEN I COULDN'T WATCH THE OLD MAN OR TEND TO HIM BECAUSE HE WAS NOW WIDE AWAKE & TAKING OFF PLACES, & SNEAKING OFF ALL OVER THE UNIVERSE WHILE I WAS IN BED ASLEEP!!!!! AND, IF ANY OF US HAD AN APPT.....THEN THAT WAS IN THE DAY DURING BUSINESS HOURS!!!! AND, THAT MEANT RUNNING ON NO SLEEP!!!! AND, THEN TRYING TO WORK ALL NIGHT THE NEXT NIGHT WITH EITHER NO SLEEP OR TOTALLY BROKEN UP SLEEP!!!!! AND, I JUST COULDN'T DO ALL THAT OR TAKE ALL THAT!!!!!!
YES!!!! IT ADDED TO THE INCOME!!!!! AND, YES!!!!! I LOVED HAVING A JOB & HAVING SOMETHING OUTSIDE OF THEM & THE HOUSE TO DO!!!!!!!! BUT I JUST COULDN'T HANDLE NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP, & BEING SICK, & THE TOLE THAT IT WAS TAKING ON MY BODY!!!! AND, IF CODY HAD MANNED UP & HAD HELPED OUT THEN MAYBE I COULD HAVE LASTED LONGER!!!!!??? BUT HE WOULD DO ANY HOUSEWORK!!!! OR LOOK AFTER HIS DAMNED GRANDFATHER, OR FIX MILLS, & DO DISHES, ETC......
AND, BEFORE I EVEN GOT SICK LIKE THAT I WAS ALREADY HAVING SERIOUS PROBLEMS WITH ALL THE HEAVY BOXES!!!!! I STARTED DROPPING THEM ALL THE TIME!!!! MY HANDS & ARMS GOT ALL CRIPPLED UP, & SWOLLEN UP!!!!!!!! AND, I GOT TO WHERE THEY WERE CRIPPLED UP SOOOO BAD & WAS HURTING SOOO GD BAD, & I GOT TO WHERE I COULDN'T PICK UP ANY OF THE DAMNED BOXES!!!! AND, EVERYTIME I TRIED I JUST DROPPED THEM!!!! ALL OF THEM!!!!
AND, I BEGGED FOR THEM TO UNDERSTAND MY POSSITION & TO PLEASE HELP US BOTH OUT BY PUTTING ME INTO A PART-TIME DAY POSITION!!!! AND, THEY JUST KEPT MAKING THE EXCUSE THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING!!!!! I'D JUST HAVE TO STICK IT OUT ON THAT JOB! OR ELSE!!!!! AND, SO I HELD ON AS LONG AS I COULD!!!!!! AND, THEN I HAD TO TAKE THE ELSE!! AND, I WAS GONE FOR MONTHS AFTER THAT & THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT I'D LEFT!!!! THAT'S HOW MUCH ATTENTION THEY PAID TO ME & THEIR WORKERS!!!! AND, CODY KNOWS ALL ABOUT THAT!!!!!! HE WAS THERE!!!! HE KNOWS I WORKED MY ASS OFF ALL NIGHT THERE & THEN WORKED LIKE A DOG AT THE HOUSE TAKING CARE OF IT, THE PROPERTY, DAD, HIM, THE DOGS, AND ANY EM THAT AROSE!!!!!!!!! AND, SOME NIGHTS HE'D GO TO WM WITH ME & HANG OUT WHILE I WORKED, SO HE COULD GET OUT OF THE HOUSE SOME & SO HE COULD BE NEAR ME! THAT WAY I COULD SEE HIM SOME!!!! AND, WE COULD EAT TOGETHER ON MY BREAK & TALK!!!!
I TRIED SOOOO GD HARD TO GET JOBS, TO DO JOBS, & TO TAKE CARE OF THAT BIG HOUSE, & THE OLE MAN, & CODY & MY DOGGIE BABIES, ETC..........I TRIED TO DO IT ALL, BUT CODY WOULD NEVER HELP OUT!!!!!! HE COULD HAVE COOKED & CLEANED, & DID LAUNDRY, & HAVE HELPED LOOK AFTER THE OLE MAN WHEN I WAS SLEEPING!!!! HE COULD HAVE MADE THINGS SOOOO MUCH EASIER!!!!!!!! AND,THEY COULD HAVE FIGURED OUT A LOT OF THINGS FOR THEMSELVES THAT THEY BUGGED ME ABOUT!!!! THEY WERE SUCH FUCKING 2 YR OLDS!!!!!!
AND, CODY KNOWS ALL THAT SHIT TOO!!!!! AND, IF WORK WOULD HAVE FIXED EVERYTHING & HAD MADE ME WELL, OR MY DISEASES OR BI SHIT WELL, OR HAVE CURED IT, THEN IT WOULD HAVE WORKED THEN!!!!!! AND, WHY DIDN'T IT CURE THINGS OR FIX THINGS THEN!!!!
AND, I ARGUED SHIT LIKE THAT WITH CODY WHEN HE BROUGHT UP ALL THAT INSANE CRAP TO ME & KEPT THROWING IT IN MY FACE IN A VERY VERY CRUEL WAY!!!!! AND, I TOLD HIM FURTHER MORE!!!!!! YOUR OVERLOOKING THE OBVIOUS POINTS HERE!!!!!! WHICH ARE!!!!:
IT WILL STILL TAKE TIME TO GET WORK, & GET STARTED & THAT WILL HARDLY HELP ME IN MY IMMEDIATE SITUATION!!!!! NOR WILL IT COME IN TIME TO HELP WITH THE BACK VAN PAYMENTS!!!!! IT WOULD TAKE A MONTH OR MORE OF WORKING TO GET THAT MONEY TOGETHER!!!!! AND, BY THEN I'D BE DEAD & THE VAN WOULD BE GONE!!!! AND, I TOLD HIM THAT RIGHT NOW, I WAS VERY VERY DEATHLY SICK & NOT ABLE TO DO SHIT!!!! AND, THAT I WOULD NOT BE WORKING ANY DAMNED PLACE UNTILL I SAW THE DOC, GOT MY MEDS & TOOK SOME TIME TO REST & GET OVER THIS INFECTION THAT IS KILLING ME!!!!!! AND, HE JUST LAUGHED AT ME & MADE FUN OF ME & JUST KEPT POINTING OUT THAT IF I'D RUSH RIGHT ON DOWN TO FC!!! AND, PUT IN FOR A JOB & GET BUSY DOING IT!!!! SAID THAT I NEEDED TO HURRY & GRAB A JOB RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE THE STUDENTS WERE LEAVING & THAT THEY WERE HIRING & FILLING THE POSSITIONS SOON!!!!! AND, THAT THE APPS WERE ONLINE NOW & I WOULD HAVE TO GO ONLINE & DO THEM!
AND, I THANKED HIM VERY MUCH FOR THAT INFO & TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD PUT IN FOR THERE!!!! ESP..... SINCE IT IS SOOOO CLOSE TO THE HOUSE & I BUY FOOD THERE & THE VAN WOULD GO BACK! CAUSE WITH FC!!!!! I CAN WALK THERE!!!!! AND, GET A RIDE ON BAD DAYS MAYBE!? BUT I TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD STILL HAVE TO START THERE ONLY AFTER I GOT OVER THIS SHIT!!!! AND, ONLY PART-TIME!!!!
BUT AGAIN!!!! HE KEPT ACTING LIKE IT WAS GOING TO CURE ME & MAKE ME ALL WELL, & MAGICALLY FIX ME & MY IMMEDIATELY SITUATION RIGHT NOW!!!! HE KEPT ARUGING THAT I COULD RUN & GET IT RIGHT THEN, & IT WOULD IMMEDIATELY SOLVE EVERY HEALTH PROBLEM I HAVE, AS WELL AS ALL OTHER PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE!!!! AND, HE ALSO TOLD ME THAT I NEEDED TO EXERCISE ALL THE TIME!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT???
I'M STANDING THERE DEAD WITH SINUSITUS & WITH BRONCHITIS & A 100 DEGREE TEMP & HE WAS LITTERALY TRYING TO FORCE ME TO GO IMMEDIATELY TO FOOD CITY & START WORKING THAT MINUTE!!!!! AND, TO IMMEDIATLY START EXERCISING AS WELL!!!!! AND, IF I DIDN'T DO THAT RIGHT THEN THEN I DIDN'T WANT TO WORK!!!!! AND, I DIDN'T WANT TO GET WELL!!!! AND, I TOLD HIM!!!!! "LOOK CODY!!!! I REALIZE THAT YOU ARE YOUNG & VERY HEALTHY & THAT YOU HAVE THE ENERGY & THE HEALTH TO DO ALL OF THIS SHIT THAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT!!!!! AND, I ALSO REALIZE THAT BECAUSE YOUR SOOOO YOUNG & HEALTHY, & SUCH A COMPUTER BRAINIAC, & THAT BECAUSE OF ALL OF THAT THINGS COME EASY TO YOU!!!! AND, BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL THAT AND ARE DOING VERY WELL FOR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW THAT YOU CAN'T BEGIN TO PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES, OR EVEN OTHER PEOPLES SHOES THAT ARE JUST LIKE ME!!!!! I REALIZE THAT BECAUSE YOUR SOOO DAMNED HEALTHY & BECAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR HEALTH THAT YOU CAN'T BEGIN TO EVEN IMAGINE WHAT IT IS TRULY LIKE ON THIS SIDE!!!!! AND, I KNOW YOU!!!! AND, I KNOW DAMNED GOOD & WELL THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS SEE THINGS THIS WAY, & WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME OR WHERE I'M COMING FROM WITH ALL OF THIS, BECAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR HEALTH!!!! YOU HAVE YOUR BRAIN!!!! YOU HAVE A VERY YOUNG ENTERGETIC STRONG BODY--NOT ONLY OF A YOUNG PERSON, BUT OF A MAN AS WELL!!!!!
HE IS WAYYYYYY MORE PHYSICALLY STRONGER THAN ME--BEFORE I GOT BAD OFF!!!! HE DOESN'T WORK HARDER OR DO MORE!!!!! BUT HE'S STRONGER!!!!!! PHYSICALLY!!!!!!
I TOLD HIM--"LOOK CODY!!!!! YOU DON'T GET IT!!!! YOU NEVER WILL UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU!!!!!!!! AND, THAT'S A FACT!!!!! AND, YOU WILL CONTINUE TO FEEL THE WAY YOU DO TOWARDS ME & TO JUDGE ME & TO LOOK DOWN ON ME & TO BLAME ME FOR BEING THIS WAY UNTIL SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU & ROBS YOU OF WHAT YOU SOOOO EASILY TAKE FOR GRANTED RIGHT NOW & STAND HERE & THROW IN MY FACE OVER & OVER RIGHT NOW!!!! AND, LIKE I TOLD YOU!!!!! I KNOW ME!!!!! I KNOW MY BODY!!!!! I KNOW MY HEALTH!!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING CLUE!!!!! OR EVEN BEGIN TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL THAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!! OR HOW FUCKING REDICULOUS THAT IT IS UNTIL YOU ARE WALKING A MILE IN MY SHOES!!!!!
SO STOP TELLING ME TO DO ALL THIS GD SHIT & STOP TELLING ME THAT IT WILL MAGICALLY FIX OR CURE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE I HAVE WORKED A TON OF TIMES & WAS WHEN IT ALL STARTED HAPPENING TO ME & IT DIDN'T FIX ANYTHING OR STOP IT FROM HAPPENING EVEN!!!!!! AND, IF A JOB WOULD CURE ME OR FIX ME THEN IT WOULD HAVE ALREADY DONE SO!!!!!!! AND, STOP TRYING TO JUDGE ME & TO BAGER ME & TO MAKE ME FEEL AS BAD AS YOU CAN WITH ALL THIS JUDGEMENT SHIT & PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP & LISTEN TO WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! I DIDN'T COME UP HERE TO TALK TO YOU JUST SO YOU COULD SAY ALL THIS SHIT TO ME & JUST SO YOU COULD BEAT ME UP & BEAT ME DOWN WITH ALL THIS SHIT!!!!! I JUST CAME UP HERE TO SIMPLY SPEAK TO YOU & TO SIMPLY SAY HELLO & TO JUST SIMPLY ASK YOU HOW YOU ARE DOING & IF YOU ARE OKAY & TO JUST LET YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU!!!! AND, THAT I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU!!!!!
AND, SINCE YOU BROUGHT UP ALL THAT SHIT! I JUST TOLD YOU THAT I WOULD PUT IN FOR FC!!!! BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR ME TO GET WELL, GET ON, START THE JOB, & GET A PAY CHECK!!!!! YOU ARE OVERLOOKING THE OBVIOUS HERE!!!!! AND THAT IS!!!! IF I FUCKING GET ON TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!! IT WON'T BE IN ENOUGH FREAKING TIME TO SAVE THE VAN!!!! OR TO GET ME TO THE DOCTOR, GET MY MEDS & GET ME WELL!!!!!! AND, YOU WANT ME TO RUN & DO ALL THIS SHIT WHEN I'M FREAKING DYING WITH THIS GD INFECTION & WHEN I SHOULD BE HOME IN BED RIGHT NOW FREAKING RESTING!!!!! I WILL IN THERE & IT WOULD BE IDEAL BECAUSE IT IS SOOOO CLOSE TO MY HOUSE, & IF I LOSE THE VAN I COULD STILL GET THERE!!! I GET ALL THAT!!!!! BUT YOU NEED TO GET THROUGH YOUR THICK HEAD THAT NONE OF THAT WILL HAPPEN IN ENOUGH TIME TO SAVE ME OR MY SITUATION NOW!!!!!
AND, LIKE I SAID!!!!! MY ISN'T LIKE YOURS!!!! IT DOES NOT WORK THE WAY YOURS DOES!!!! BECAUSE IT IS NOT HEALTHY LIKE YOURS!!!!!!! YOU ARE 22!!!!! I AM 47!!!!!! SOON BE 48!!!! SO THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN OUR AGES!!!!! I CANNOT DO AT 48 WHAT YOU CAN DO & WHAT I USED TO COULD DO AT YOUR SAME AGE!!!!! YOU ARE A MAN!!! AND HAVE FAR MORE PHYSICAL STRENGTH THAN I EVER DID!!!!!! AND, WAY MORE THAN I COULD POSSIBLY HAVE NOW!!!!! AND, ADD TO THAT, THAT YOU ARE VERY VERY HEALTHY RIGHT NOW!!!!
YOU DON'T HAVE A TBI!!!!!! YOU DON'T HAVE A BI!!!!!! YOU DON'T HAVE PCS!!!!! YOU DON'T HAVE MY MIGRAINES!!!!! OR MY HEADACHES!!!! YOU DON'T HAVE MY BLURRY VISION OR FLASHING LIGHTS!!!! YOU DON'T HAVE MS!!!!! YOU DON'T HAVE DENERATIVE ARTHRITIS!!!!!!! AND YOU DON'T GET DEATHLY SICK NOW LIKE I STILL DO!!!! "
"WELL I USED TO!!!!! AND, NOW I'M FINE BECAUSE I GOT A JOB & KEPT WORKING!!!!" AND, TO WHICH I SAID!!! YA!!!! WELL IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU GOT A DAMNED JOB OR KEPT WORKING!!!! IT'S BECAUSE I TOOK YOU TO A SPECIALISTS!!!! AND, BECAUSE HE SAID THAT YOU HAD BAD ADENOIDS!!!!! AND BECAUSE HE TOOK THOSE OUT & OPERATED ON YOUR SINUSES!!!!! AND, NOW YOU ARE FINE!!!!!!! BUT IT IS BECAUSE YOU HAD BAD ADENOIDS!!!! AND, GOT THEM REMOVED & GOT YOUR SINUSES FIXED!!!!!!! THAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM!!!!!! AND, THAT WAS FIXED BY A GREAT DOCTOR, WHO KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING!!!! YOU HAD A PROBLEM THAT COULD BE FIXED!!! AND, HE FIXED IT!!!!! AND, YOU GOT ALRIGHT!!!!!!! AND, YOU HAVE ME!!!! YOUR MOTHER TO THANK FOR ALL THAT!!!!!! AND, THE DOTOR!!!!!! HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR ME TAKING YOU TO HIM & GETTING YOU FIXED!!!!! YOU WOULDN'T BE STANDING HERE IN GD JUDGEMENT OF ME RIGHT NOW & TRYING TO STAND HERE & STUPIDLY SAY TO ME THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD BAD ADENOIDS & SINUSES & JUST BECAUSE A GREAT DOCTOR FIXED THEM THAT THAT NOW MEANS THAT ANYBODY WHO HAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THEM CAN MAGICALLY BE FIXED WITH SUCH A SIMPLE SOLUTION!!!!!
BUT WHAT YOUR STUPIDLY & EGNORANTLY NOT GETTING HERE IS THIS!!!!!! TBI'S!!!! PCS! MS! ARTHRITIS & MANY OTHER BAD DISEASES CANNOT BE FIXED WITH SURGERY OR BE FIXED AT ALL RIGHT NOW!!!!! YES!!!! MAYBE SOMEDAY SOON THEY WILL BE ABLE FIX THEM THAT SIMPLY!!!! BUT THEY CANNOT DO IT RIGHT NOW!!!!! AND YOU ARE CLUMPING ALL PROBLEMS & ALL HEALTH ISSUES INTO ONE BOAT!!!!!! AND, YOU HAVE DECIDED THAT JUST BECAUSE YOURS COULD BE FIXED SO QUICKLY & SIMPLY WITH SURGERY THAT ALL HEALTH ISSUES CAN NOW BE FIXED THAT WAY FOR EVERYBODY!!!!! YOU ARE JUDGING ALL THE REST OF US BASED ON THAT ONE STUPID/SIMPLE EXPERIENCE & ARE NOT ABLE TO SEE OR UNDERSTAND THAT IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY FOR ALL PEOPLE!!!!!! OR FOR ME!!!!!
NOW, JUST SHUT THE HELL UP OFF THIS SHIT BECAUSE I DID NOT COME OUT HERE TO SAY HELLO JUST SO THAT WE COULD GET INTO ALL THIS OR JUST SO THAT YOU COULD BE ME UP WITH ALL THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! I'M OVER IT NOW!!!!
I TOLD HIM THAT THAT WAS A GREAT PLAN IN THEORY!!! BUT THAT THAT DIDN'T HELP ME OUT RIGHT THEN!!!! I TOLD HIM THAT!!!! I TOLD HIM ABOUT THE VAN PAYMENTS TOO & ABOUT THE VAN FIXING TO GO BACK & THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY FINE WITH ME, THAT I WAS DONE TRYING TO KEEP IT! I CAN'T KEEP IT & PAY THE KUB TOO! AND, I'VE ALREADY PAID AROUND 6000 DOLLARS IN PAYMENTS ON THAT DAMNED VAN & I AIN'T EVEN ANYWHERE CLOSE TO PAYING IT OFF!!!! AND, I TOLD HIS LITTLE ASS!!! LOOK! WHILE YOUR ATTACKING ME OVER THIS OTHER SHIT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL KNOW THAT THE DAMNED VAN IS GOING BACK!!! AND, I'M TELLING YOU THAT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!!!!! DO YOU WANT THE DAMNED THING OR NOT!!!!???? DO YOU WANT TO PAY DRIVE IT & HAVE A WAY TO GET AROUND WHILE YOUR PAYING ON IT, OR DO YOU WANT TO PAY ON SOMETHING THAT YOUR NEVER GOING TO DRIVE!!!!!
And, he said, "No!!! He I don't want it! It's got all that damage to it!!! And, it's got a lot of mileage on it, & will be breaking down & the engine or anything might go & then it wouldn't do me any good! He said that he had thought about it & thought that it was a waste of his money & that he didn't want to invest or buy something that was damaged & that was going to break down!!!" And, I said to him!!!! "Well, good!!!! Because I'm not selling it to you anyway!!! Your making a choice whether to buy the damned thing or not! You making a choice as to weather your going to pay for it & drive it, while you do!? OR wheather your going to pay for it & not drive it!!!!
And he said--"OH!!!! I won't be paying for it at all!!!!" And, I said, "Oh yes you will!!!!! Your name is on the loan, & in fact the whole GD thing was your responsibility to pay for to begin with!!! And, think about it son!!!!! If could pay for it!!!!???? Then it wouldn't be behind!!!! And, the fact that it's going back means that I CAN'T PAY FOR THE DAMNED THING!!!!! HELLO SON!!!!!! AND, SO, I'M THE ONE THAT'S NOT GOING TO BE BUYING IT OR PAYING FOR IT ANYMORE!!!!! BUT YOU SURE AS HELL WILL!!!! WHEN IT GOES BACK, BECAUSE I CAN'T PAY FOR IT!!!!! THEN THEY WILL KNOW THAT I CAN'T PAY FOR IT!!!!!!! AND, THEY IF THEY CAN'T GET IT OUT OF ME, THEN THEY WILL GET IT OUT OF YOU!!!!!! AND, YOU ARE WORKING!!!!! AND, ACCORDING TO YOU YOU ARE MAKING A LOT OF MONEY NOW!!!!! BETWEEN YOUR 10 AN HOUR, PLUS BONUS'S & RAISES, & YOUR 75 AN HOUR FOR COMPUTER WORK!!!! YOU SUPPOSEDLY GOT ALL THIS DAMNED MONEY COMING IN YET, YOU AIN'T PAYING A DIME OF IT ON THIS GD VAN & ARE LETTING ME PAY FOR IT & SUFFER THROUGH ALL OF THESE HARDSHIPS WHILE YOUR SITTING OVER THERE MAKING ALL THAT FUCKING MONEY & HAVE THE ABILITY TO PAY FOR IT!!!!!!???? TO PAY ON IT!!!!! AND, YOUR JUST USING ALL THE MONEY TO LIVE OFF OF & HAVE A GOOD TIME ON, WHILE YOU LET ME SET OVER HERE & STRUGGLE LIKE HELL ON A 490 A MONTH DISABILITY CHECK!!!!!????"
I TOLD HIM--"THE VAN WILL GO BACK!!!! BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY & I AM 375 BEHIND!!!! AND, SHE ONLY GAVE ME UNTIL THE END OF THE MONTH!!!! AND, THEN SHE WILL BE FORCED TO DO SOMETHING!!!! AND, I'M NOT GOING TO KEEP PAYING ON IT & KEEP STRUGGLING LIKE THIS & GETTING DEEPER & DEEPER IN DEBT OVER THIS SHIT & GETTING IN A HOLE THAT I NOW HAVE NO WAY OUT OF!!!!! AND, FURTHER MORE!!!! YOU KNEW THAT EVENTUALLY IT WOULD COME TO THIS BECAUSE YOU KNEW DAMNED WELL THAT I WAS STRUGGLING & THAT I COULD NOT DO THAT LONG TERM!!! AND, WHEN THE VAN GOES BACK BECAUSE--I CAN'T PAY FOR IT!!!!!--THEN THEY WILL ALREADY KNOW THAT I CAN'T PAY FOR IT!!! AND, THEY WILL COME AFTER SOMEBODY'S ASS TO GET THEIR MONEY!!!! AND, IF I ALREADY CAN'T PAY FOR IT, THEN THAT RULES ME OUT!!! AND, THEY CAN'T TAKE MY DISABILITY CHECK!!!!!! WE BOTH KNOW THAT!!!! AND, WHEN THEY CAN'T TAKE OUT OF MY CHECK THEY WILL DAMNED SURE COME AFTER YOURS & TAKE IT OUT OF YOURS!!!!!!! AND, THEN YOU WILL BE PUTTING OUT THAT MONEY PAYING FOR THIS VAN FOR THE NEXT UMPTEEN YEARS WHILE YOUR ASS AIN'T IN IT OR DRIVING IT!!!! THEN YOU WILL BE PAYING FOR A VAN THAT YOU AIN'T DRIVING!!!! AND, I JUST WANT TO KNOW BEFORE THEY COME & GET IT!!!!!! DO YOU WANT TO TAKE IT & DRIVE IT, SINCE YOU WILL BE TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR IT NOW!!!!!????? OR DO YOU WANT ME TO LET IT GO BACK & YOU PAY FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU AREN'T DRIVING!!!!!!??? ALL I'M TRYING TO DO HERE IS TO JUST SIMPLY ASK YOU & JUST SIMPLY FIND OUT BEFORE IT GOES BACK WHAT YOU WANT TO DO HERE!!!!! I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU THIS CHANCE!!!!! I DIDN'T HAVE TO FUCKING GIVE YOU THIS CHANCE AT ALL!!!!!!! BUT I DID TO BE NICE, & TO BE FAIR!!!!!!!!!!! EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE NOT BEEN THAT WAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!" AND, HE SAID, NO!!!!!! JUST LET IT GO BACK I DON'T WANT THE DAMNED THING!!!!!! AND, I SAID--OKAY!!!!! THAT IS FUCKING FINE & DANDLY WITH ME!!!!!!! CAUSE IT DON'T FUCKING MATTER TO ME ONE WAY OR THE OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANYWAY..... THINGS DIGRESSED FROM THERE WITH HIM TRYING TO ACCUSE ME OF TELLING HIM ABOUT MY BEING SICK & GOING TO THE DOCTOR & NEEDING TO SEE THE DOCTOR & NEEDING MEDS BECAUSE I JUST WANTED MONEY OFF OF HIM & JUST WANTED TO USE HIM!!! HE TOLD ME THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE SPOKEN TO HIM OR EVEN HAVE MENTIONED THE DOCTOR OR THAT ABOUT ME NEEDING TO GO THERE & GET MEDS FOR MY REAL BAD INFECTION IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE FACT THAT I WAS JUST TELLING HIM THAT SO THAT I COULD SUCK MONEY OUT OF HIM!!!!!! SAID THAT I WAS JUST USING THAT TO MANIPULATE HIM & TO DRAW HIM BACK IN!!!!! AND, THAT HE WAS DOING GREAT NOW THAT HE WAS AWAY FROM ALL OF MY SHIT!!!!!! THAT ALL THAT SHIT JUST PULLED HIM DOWN & MADE HIM BAD OFF & THAT HE HAD GOTTEN A LOT BETTER & WAS DOING GREAT NOW THAT HE WAS AWAY FROM ME & ALL THIS SHIT!!!!!
I TOLD HIM, HOW IS TELLING YOU THAT I'M GOING TO THE DOCTOR TOMORROW TO GET SOME MUCH NEEDED CARE & MEDICINE FOR THIS HORRIBLE INFECTION MANIPULATING YOU & TRYING TO SUCK MONEY OUT OF YOU!!!!! AND, I TOLD HIM!!!! WHAT THE HELL MONEY ARE YOU FREAKING TALKING ABOUT!!!!???? BECAUSE YOU NEVER GAVE MONEY FOR SHIT OR DID FREAKING SHIT FOR ME!!!!! IN FACT!!!!! YOU DIDN'T WANT TO & THAT'S WHY YOU BEAT THE HELL OUT OF ME & LEFT!!!!
I HAVE THAT VET BILL THAT YOU MADE & LEFT ME WITH WERE YOU FREAKING POISENED MY DOGS!!!!! I HAVE THAT DAMNED LOAN AGAINST MY VAN BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!! AND, YOU STUCK ME WITH ALL OF THAT!!!! AND, NOW I GOT 23000 INTO THE SOG!!!! JUST TO LOSE IT!!!! I HAVE FIXED IT, KEPT IT GOING--ME & MY FRIEND!!!!, & I HAVE PAID ALL OF THOSE LOAN PAYMENTS WHICH ADD UP TO APPROX......6000 DOLLARS OVER THE PAST 3 YRS!!!! AND, THE LOAN IS STILL SITTING THERE NOT PAID DOWN OR PAID OFF!!!!! AND, NOW I'M FIXING TO LOSE IT!!!
I HAVE LOST PRECIOUS PERSONAL EXPENSIVE THINGS IN PAWN BECAUSE OF HIM!!! AND, HAVE LOST ALL THE MONEY THAT I PAID ON ALL THOSE PAWNS OVER THE YEARS & EVEN RIGHT NOW--I HAVE 4 IN RIGHT NOW!!!!! AND, I HAVE ALL OF THE MONEY WASTED ON THAT & ON BUYING ALL OF MY PAWNS BRAND NEW & PAYING A LOT FOR THEM, JUST TO LOSE THEM FOR NOTHING AT THE PAWN SHOP!!!!!
HE HAS COST ME THOUSANDS & THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!! AND, ALL I WANT FROM HIM IS MONEY!!!!!???? AND, I DON'T LOVE HIM AT ALL!!!!!! I JUST WANT HIS MONEY!!!!! REALLY!!!!??? BECAUSE I AIN'T SEEN A DAMNED DIME OF HIS MONEY!!!!! AND, HE'S SEEN ALL OF MINE!!!! HE HAS SUCKED ME DRY FOR YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!! AND, DON'T GIVE A CRAP!!!!!!!
GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER EVER THOUGHT THAT I COULD LEARN TO NOT LOVE MY SON OR TO FALL OUT OF LOVING HIM SOOOO MUCH!!!!! BUT I HAVE!!!!!! I JUST DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SOOOO ASHAMED OF HIM--AS A SON & AS A PERSON, & AS A HUMAN BEING!!!!!!
HE WAS SOOO COLD HEARTED, & SOOO CUT-THROAT!!!!!! AND, SO NON-FEELING AT ALL!!!! AND, SOOOOO NON-CARING & NON-COMPASSIONATE!!!!! HE SHOWS NO LOVE!!!! NO COMPASSION!!!!! NO CONCERN!!!!!! SAID THAT HE DIDN'T GIVE A RATS ASS ABOUT ME & DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN ONE WAY OR THE OTHER ABOUT ME OR ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO ME!!!!!
I WENT INTO THE BLD...... & WALKED AROUND LIKE A MUMMY!!!!! AND, THEN WENT INTO JIMMY'S BATHROOM & CRIED LIKE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! DID I CRY!!!!!!!!!!! IT HURT ME SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE TRULY LOST MY SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY SON DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS PERSON IS, BUT HE IS NOT MY SON!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY SON HAS GONE AWAY FOREVER!!!!! MY SON HAS DIED............. IN HEART! IN SPIRIT! IN MORALS! IN CONCIOUSNESS!
I DON'T KNOW HIM ANYMORE..................NOR DO I WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WROTE HIM & TOLD HIM WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM THAT I COULDN'T BE MORE SORRY THAT I EVER KEPT HIM OR SPIT HIM OUT MY LOINS!!!!!!!! AND, THAT I WAS SOO ASHAMED OF HIM & HIS BEHAVIOR!!!!!!!!!!!! AND, THAT I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR HIM AT ALL ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! AND, THAT I NOW FEEL NOTHING FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!! AND, I TOLD HIM GOODBYE!!!!!!!!! I AM NO LONGER HIS MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!! AND, HE IS NO LONGER MY SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND, THAT JUST MAKES ME VERY VERY SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW SAD & DEPRESSING..................
SOOOOOO I AM IN A VERY BAD & TERRIBLE PLACE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!????? AND, DO NOT HAVE ANY IDEAL WHERE TO GO FROM HERE EXCEPT TO DIE................
AND RIGHT NOW I FEEL HORRIBLE PHYSICALLY & HAVE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT!!!!! I HAVE GOT TO GO TO SLEEP NOW!!!!!!! I'M VERY VERY DEPRESSED, VERY VERY SICK, & VERY VERY EXHAUSTED!!!!!!