Broken Heart

oh how the grieving process goes round and round and I never know what is going to set it off. My heart has been aching as bad as it did the night Ken left this place I call home. How I miss him so much.  The pain came on full force on the way home from Va just as it did that night at the hospital. ...then came why didn't I do more.  Why didn't I as his mom who God loaned to me and the baby boy laid in my arms?..why could I not find something, why could I not convince him howhe needed to do the second Sten-cell transplant. Why did I not tell him I know it was rough but a few weeks out of a longer life so worth it to me his mom. Yet, I did push him, ask him, tried to get him see the importance of it. The cells were available yet he kept putting it off. Just maybe it would have protected the brain. I don't know.  I just know I wish I could have ,would have talked harder, talked longer, had gotten through to him the importance but he didn't and I can't change that now. But if he had just maybe, but it was a maybe, a risk, I know his body was so tired of pain...maybe he just got tired. Tired of hurting(that I understand) tired of the chemo?.but not tired of his family, yet he just didn't want to go through, endure more, yet he had goals.  This pain will never stop. Yes, at times it is not as heavy. The tears don't always flow so heavy. The heart does not ache as it is now, but for now this is where I am again at the beginning of this thing they call grief.  Last night at church the subject dealt with grieving. No one knows sitting there but me what the pain of losing a child does. At least the pastor said "Don't say the words we have all heard that others think will give us peace, they don't". Oh if we could cry cry and let others know this horrible pain that floods our entire being.  Would that help if others understood I don't know. My husband pats me when he here's me softly crying but sometimes I want to wail, wail the pain I am feeling. But I don't.  now I cry softly more to myself yet I can feel my heart breaking.  Just to go back in time, change things, make everything better, yet knowing it is what it is.  I know somedays are easier other days the pain is more than it seems one is able to bare, yet their is no choice yet to keep moving forward. Coming here at FMO who knows the pain. Who let me vent and never tells me I am wrong.  Still it hurts and no one can take that. Yet all you do understand that there will be days like this. Thanks to all who listen or reads my journal know sometimes I just have to let this pain ouT and this is one of the times I cry!