Broken

I feel so hopeless. Jeff tells me to stay positive & trust in God's plan....First of all, what the fuck do I have to be positive about? Every time I see the fertility doctor, he tells me something else is wrong. Thus, meaning more money, more procedures, more factors that are keeping me from becoming a mom. Second, God's Plan? What a crock of shit! How in the hell is my misery & my shattered dreams part of God's plan?!

When he says stupid Hallmark card shit like that, I just want to punch him in the face. It makes me feel like he doesn't care about how I am really feeling. It makes me feel like I can't talk to him about my true feelings, and it makes me feel like he isn't sad in any way about my infertility. What's worse, is I think he has an unrealistic perspective of what all is involved with IVF and how long everything takes. He has no idea that our time to try IVF is literally running out. Because I think he has unrealistic expectations, I don't feel like he's taking any of it seriously. I've never felt so alone!

He isn't realizing that IVF isn't guaranteed & we have to start accepting the fact that we may not ever be parents.

I really just want him to cry with me, hold me & tell me it's okay to be mad, sad & hate people that get to have the life I want. I don't want to hear, "We can just adopt." I don't want to adopt. I AM an adopted child & although I love my family, I've spent my entire life feeling like I don't belong in my own family. I recently reconnected with my biological family, and felt the same way....I don't fit with either one. This is a very common problem within adopted families and I am not emotionally strong enough anymore to go through infertility and then that. No. So, instead, I get, "Stay positive. Think positive." Ugh! I just want to set him on fire.

It's getting to the point where I don't even want to talk to him anymore about it. What's worse, I have no one else in my life that I can go to for support about this. EVERYONE ELSE HAS KIDS. So, they'll never understand.

Infertility is like mourning a child that has died that never existed. It's a totally different kind of grief than losing someone that was born. 

As I see every single person I know start their families, I find myself secretly hating them. Why do people who don't want kids get pregnant on accident & then treat their kids like shit? How is that fair?

I feel like God is punishing me. My whole life I have had to fight hard for everything I have. Why do I have to fight for something that should be my God-given right? 

My faith in anything is officially shattered.