Broke Down
Yesterday I had my second appointment with the dietician. He looked at my bloods gave me some feedback and we started our first therapy session.I'm finding it really hard to put thoughts into speach at the moment so I found it really hard to explain things. I guess he's used to that, especially as it's only the second time I've seen him.We started off by looking at some worksheets which described both physical and mental symptoms of Anorexia. He asked me to highlight any that applied to me and after we went through them.After that (he had one of those white boards). He did a chart with Pros and Cons of the eating disorder. As he said, if anorexia wasn't serving me in some way I wouldn't be doing it. Whilst in there I could only think of 3 pros, I more or less kept repeating myself. I knew there were other things but I've hidden everything behind weight, calories and numbers for so long that trying to think of them of the top of my head was hard. Plus some of the I feel a lot of guilt and shame.We went through some cons which are the obvious and then we had run out of time. So he said he wanted me to take it home and carry on particularly focusing on the Pros as he obviously knew there was a lot more to it too.He said that after I had written some things down I could go through it with my Mum together and talk about it.I went home...After making a cup of tea me and Mum sat down and went through the Pros I had thought of whilst in there. After that, I started to talk about other reasons as to why I'm scared of getting rid of Hannibal. I'm not going to go into them as it may trigger other people as well as upsetting myself again. But basically, once I started opening up, everything became too raw and I just completely broke down. Even I was surprised at what I found I was hiding from with this eating disorder. It's not that they were all reasons I STARTED going down an eating disorder spiral. But it's the fact that the further down the spiral I went, the more it helped cover up all the other emotions I had been feeling. To challange the anorexia now and go against my sheild resulted in me completely breaking down with the overwhelming emotions it brought up. I desperately wanted to self-harm due to extreme feelings of self hatred, guilt, shame, worthlessness etc... and I was convinced that my family would be better off without me. That I would be doing everyone a favour if I just gave into my thoughts. I was EXTREMELY suicidal.Luckily, again as my Mum had been doing this with me she was able to calm me down enough for me to just take my tablets and go to bed.THIS is why I feel like I need to go inpatient. THIS is why I'm TERRIFIED of getting rid of Hannibal. Because of what I have to face when I look inside. Weight, calories and numbers are the only things that matter to me at the moment and that has suited me fine. I haven't had to deal with anything of my other thoughts, feelings and emotions.Now, the thought of trying to manage this on an outpatient basis scares me even more. I've had the very first session and the first piece of 'homework' I've been given leaves me suicidal and at home. How can I be expected to go home after every session and cope with that. Every session I have is going to open up more and more things for me and then after an hour, I'm expected to just switch off again and leave. To me, that's like having a huge gash on your thigh, ending up at casualty have them clean it which starts the bleeding again and then sending you straight home.I can't do it! It sounds rediculous to say I WANT to go inpatient, but that's the truth. Especially after yesterday. If I was saying "I might end up feeling really bad at the end of a session when I get home" that would be different. I wouldn't have tried. But this experience has just left me.....there's no other word for it...terrified.
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