Brittany
Happy Thursday! For us working folk, we are almost to Friday - yay!! and a 3 day week-end - Yay!!!!
I met Brittany @ church. Brittany is a 34 y/o girl with an adorable 3 year old daughter, named Molly. I met them @ church, through a mutual friend of Brittany's mom. Anyway - Brittany is alot like my Jennifer. She struggles family issues, self-esteem and basically doesn't want to grow up......She was 15 months sober when I met her and she always gives me a big hug, will text periodically, and on occasion have met for coffee. Brittany's sobriety was ended about 1 month ago - she's using again "because life is tough", "my parents like my brother more", yada yada yada.....Brittany's mom reminds me of myself years ago when I just wanted someone to listen to ME, about my daughter - In retrospect, I needed to keep my mouth shut, only share with trusted individuals, but in my "needing to fix it", I blabbed - that's what her mom is doing with others in the church that have grown up with Brittany.....so Brittany "loves talking to me" because as she puts it, "you get it" and she talks because I'm a newbie in this with these people and have not grown up with her or these families.
In telling you all of this - I'm not sure the reason, other than I need to write it out, so my boundaries stay clear with Brittany. I could become so entangled in her web that I could find myself re-living the nightmare with Jennifer and those "friends, as Teri wrote, would come visit and even though she is not my daughter, there are alot of similarities and I don't want to this void of not having my daughter, somehow become weird (hope that makes sense). I pick & choose when I talk with her - she is clean for a day or so, then goes back to using - she lives with her parents and they are going to different pastors in the church who are attempting interventions which Brittany runs from, because SHE IS NOT READY.....I don't understand why they don't get this.....UNTIL SHE IS READY,, SHE AINT' DOIN' IT. - Molly, of course, is caught in the middle - dad is in the picture, recovering addict as well - grandparents are a support, but yet, they just want a happy family and certainly NOT THIS.......
So, sisters, I am doing my best to stay neutral, show Brittany both sides of parenting and I told her " it's time to pull up your big girl panties" and grow up - but as we know, addiction is strong - beats out love, common sense, parenting, everything.....I will continue to love her, tell her my mistakes as a mom with addiction & Jennifer, but at the same time, never bad mouth her parents as they are doing the best they can do......I have to be honest, though, to have a girl look at me and want to know what I think and to listen to her, warms my heart at times.....fills that emptiness of not having my Jennifer on earthside. So, keep Brittany & Molly in your prayers and thoughts. Right now, I'm good - boundaries are clear - my heart is open, but I know it's Brittany's choice - Thankful that I'm here for her, but knowing this could really hurt.......Brittany knows Jesus - she knows that's where she needs to turn....but gets conflicted with others in the church who just want to "fix her".......She told me, I know you believe and I know you want me to go that way, but you don't shove it down my throat - you just listen - pray I can continue to do that with love.
Love and hugs always
Replies
As a former certified addictions counselor... good luck...
As a mom... hugs, love and keep those boundaries… It would be very easy to get sucked into this mess... there will be no winners, the only one who can win is Brittany WHEN she is ready to win...
MaryLou....Jenn's Mom
MaryLou - not trying to fix Brittany - just listen - I pick and choose when that is, depending on me. I have no high hopes in Brittany's sobriety as she has struggled for years, as some people do. Jennifer was sober 18 years when she passed, but I know she struggled @ times - Thanks for the advice.....Vicki
We all need to know we have people in our corner and most of all Brittany needs to BE the one to be in her own corner. Most often when we are feeling unlovable is when we need to be loved the most so I'm grateful you are there for her in that way. No expectations, no quick fixes and being a heart with ears. Also, using those healthy boundaries that you speak of is ongoing and so very wise.
There are no coincidences in this life and your paths were meant to cross. I have no doubt it is serving both of you for now and that is all we have, this moment. If it changes you will know and take the actions that are healthiest and best for you.
Loving care dearest Vick,i and I'm grateful that you shared as I had not remembered hearing about Brittany and her daughter, Molly.
May Brittany find recovery once again and find other ways to cope when life becomes hard because living in these earth suits IS hard.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Hi Vicki, after Eddie passed I was vulnerable and a person that came across my path put me in the "mom role" with her and I fell into a situation that wasn't great. I detached kind of just in time so to speak. I think you are wise to show her some Christian love but keeping your boundaries makes complete sense. And as you said, her parents are there for her and doing the best they can. I'm glad she and her daughter have a church family. I feel like that may be a safe haven for her.
Enjoy your well deserved 3 day weekend! It's so great to have that other day to catch up on things, visit, shop or just relax.
Much love to you and dearest Jennifer, Linda ♡
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!!! You are wise to set them and keep them!
It is always a good thing when we can open our hearts and minds to HEAR the heart of another without allowing ourselves to be sucked into a drama or otherwise unsafe space for ourselves. Brittany is blessed to have you, and I'm sure it's a two way street, as you are getting a "pay off" too. But when, or if, it becomes stressful and those "friends" decide to visit....grab your broom!!
Addiction is something "we" can never control for another person. My God, My God, how I've tried!!!!!
Thank you for sharing and know that Brittany, Molly, and family are in my thoughts and prayers, as are you sweet lady!
Hey God, it's me again....same prayer, different names....Brittany. Please cause the right people, the right words, the right everything's that are helpful to cross her path and for her to put to use the inner strength, courage and determination you have already blessed her with. Help her mom to not feel the desperation and anxiety so strongly....and help her keep her mouth shut at church about her daughter...that can't be a good thing. Anyways, God, just help us all SEE our own strengths and weaknesses and do the best we can each and every day. Thanks. Amen.
Hi Vicki:
It is hard for caring people to see someone in such pain and not being able to do a thing. People say an addict has to hit rock bottom. One wonders where the bottom is.
I was trying to help out a girl on crystal meth. She stayed with us for awhile and did okay for awhile. We tried to convince her to go to a clinic but she refused - said she wasn't ready. She began using more and would detox on the sofa, watching Netflix for a week, say she was clean, and then go bact to the streets. We finally had to tell her that she had a home here, as long as she was getting treatment. I haven't heard from her since. It breaks my heart - she is a lovely girl but so very troubled. It is so easy to be an enabler.
You are doing the right thing. Stick to your guns.
Love and tight hugs. Marlene