Brenda's Projections
A third irritant is Brenda's "projection" onto me of her fears and desires. I'll give you several examples. One, when we're exercising, she'll say, "Do you want to quit yet?" It's she who wants to quit, but she wants to outdo me and so will wait until I say, "Okay, I'm tired, let's quit."
A second example of this is eating. She'll say to me, "I'll bet you'd like some pastries?" If I say no, she'll say alright, but in a few moments suggest something else for me, when all along she herself wants to indulge (she's afraid of gaining more weight).
Two more examples of this in the sexual area. Brenda says to me a) and this in a tone of light comedy, "See that strip club? I'll bet you'd love to see the bottoms of the naked girls in that place." My answer is of course, "I'd rather see yours;" and not five minutes later she has pointed out a different place and says something akin to the first, suggesting that I'm secretly desiring to see naked women. I know that Brenda enjoys seeing women naked because she is a bisexual and has had several relationships with women (both before we were married and after) and also because I know that she sometimes looks at porn. And then there's b). Brenda asks, "What's this 50 Shades of Grey? (as if I would know all about the trashy pulpy pornographic popular best-seller). I say "It's about bdsm." She says, What's "bdsm?" I say, "I have no idea what the bd is in sm but the sm is 'sadomasochism.'" Brenda is pretending that she doesn't know what it is, whereas I know that she doesl I haven't told her that I know all about her s-m activities with one of the women. In fact, she was in relationship with a married woman that involved a little of what you might call s-m (it was spanking).
(Her adulterous relationship with the married woman is thus another sore point for me; she admitted to it but held back some important details. To help her save face, I didn't go deeply into the sexual part of her affair during our talks about it; maybe I should have. But Brenda has a difficult time talking to me about sex: she likes to think I'm less sexual and therefore more innocent than she is (I'm less "cool," less "sophisticated.") while at the same time much more knowledgeable in an abstract bookish way. I find this aspect of her personality extremely neurotic. On the other hand, maybe I'm in the thick of a neurosis, too; I'm loathe to diminish her dignity--as my own has been diminished-- by demonstrating what I know about her and about sex, etc. I guess I get this from having had a mother whom I had to protect.)
In other words she likes to be the "tough one" able to exercise and diet longer than me and at the same time to be "the innocent one" in sexual matters. I find this very tiresome, this pretending and competitiveness, etc. I find Brenda's lack of openness about sex is a great problem for me and for us. She hates to talk openly about it with me. Well, this is going to be another, later journal entry.
A second example of this is eating. She'll say to me, "I'll bet you'd like some pastries?" If I say no, she'll say alright, but in a few moments suggest something else for me, when all along she herself wants to indulge (she's afraid of gaining more weight).
Two more examples of this in the sexual area. Brenda says to me a) and this in a tone of light comedy, "See that strip club? I'll bet you'd love to see the bottoms of the naked girls in that place." My answer is of course, "I'd rather see yours;" and not five minutes later she has pointed out a different place and says something akin to the first, suggesting that I'm secretly desiring to see naked women. I know that Brenda enjoys seeing women naked because she is a bisexual and has had several relationships with women (both before we were married and after) and also because I know that she sometimes looks at porn. And then there's b). Brenda asks, "What's this 50 Shades of Grey? (as if I would know all about the trashy pulpy pornographic popular best-seller). I say "It's about bdsm." She says, What's "bdsm?" I say, "I have no idea what the bd is in sm but the sm is 'sadomasochism.'" Brenda is pretending that she doesn't know what it is, whereas I know that she doesl I haven't told her that I know all about her s-m activities with one of the women. In fact, she was in relationship with a married woman that involved a little of what you might call s-m (it was spanking).
(Her adulterous relationship with the married woman is thus another sore point for me; she admitted to it but held back some important details. To help her save face, I didn't go deeply into the sexual part of her affair during our talks about it; maybe I should have. But Brenda has a difficult time talking to me about sex: she likes to think I'm less sexual and therefore more innocent than she is (I'm less "cool," less "sophisticated.") while at the same time much more knowledgeable in an abstract bookish way. I find this aspect of her personality extremely neurotic. On the other hand, maybe I'm in the thick of a neurosis, too; I'm loathe to diminish her dignity--as my own has been diminished-- by demonstrating what I know about her and about sex, etc. I guess I get this from having had a mother whom I had to protect.)
In other words she likes to be the "tough one" able to exercise and diet longer than me and at the same time to be "the innocent one" in sexual matters. I find this very tiresome, this pretending and competitiveness, etc. I find Brenda's lack of openness about sex is a great problem for me and for us. She hates to talk openly about it with me. Well, this is going to be another, later journal entry.
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