Breathing a little better,that will do for now

Good morning journal,the time is now 8:57am and I have been awake for over an hour,I feel somewhat rested and I am happy to report that my breathing is a little easier ,not much,but some,and that will do for now.I find myself being grateful for small things that people normally take for granted without even thinking about them,a simple act like taking a breath without the help of any artificial means is as natural as blinking,but for me the past three weeks or so have been increasingly difficult.I know for example that there will be some time today when I struggle to breathe on my own,that is just a given due to my present physical condition,the secret is to remember how good it feels to be able to breathe when I can,and to get through the times when I can't without panicking,and using the medication that I have to ease the worst symptoms the best I know how.Sometimes I am successful,other times not so much,but that is just a part of my daily life that I have to accept,I've done a lot of damage to my body over many years,my liver is shot,my kidneys struggle to do what they have to do,and my lungs are,well,they don't work too good.I had a TIA/mini stroke in 2010 and my wife is convinced I have had five or six more since that time,who knows?,she may be right,all I know is I kept on working right up until last July when I collapsed and I haven't been able to work since.I've always been a workaholic,when I had my TIA I was back at work in two days,against my doctors advice,and as a result of ignoring the warning signs that my body was giving me,I am left today with a weakness on my left side that requires me to use a walking cane when I venture outside our home for any length of time.I have developed atrophy in both legs and my upper torso due to lack of exercise,I simply don't have the energy.My wife has purchased a small set of weights for me,nothing too heavy,but enough to give my remaining muscles a daily workout when I feel able,hopefully,in time,I'll regain some of the power that I have lost over the past year or so.The novel I have been attempting to write is still unfinished,so the goal that I set myself of June 30th for completion has been well and truly blown out of the water,no matter,I WILL finish it,just in my own time now.As I sit here now,all of our canine children are up and about while my poor exhausted spouse lies fast asleep on our sofa,she didn't come to bed last night,instead,she was busy on some project on her computer,though I suspect also that she was a little worried about me.I detest being a burden to people,even those people closest to me,especially those closest to me!,I don't think that it's fair to ask them to care for me just because I'm sick,and if I'm being brutally honest,getting sicker,if I get to the point where I can't get through the day without increasing levels of help,then stick me in a hospital somewhere and let them get on with their lives,I don't want to be a burden they feel obliged to shoulder just because they love me,that isn't fair and it isn't right.Last evening I made it until midnight before I retired,but only because I took a nap at lunchtime,I say a nap,this nap lasted four hours until I woke around dinner time,another huge part of my day gone that I can never get back.Today I'm going to concentrate on just breathing,simply inhaling and exhaling,nothing more,for today that is enough,I am in a peaceful place and I am not afraid,so until next time journal,peace and contentment,and at least partially inflated lungs,walk with us.