Breathing

The reason my status is "feeling good" is because I have the day at home with things I have to do here and there, but nothing essential.  So I am trying to breathe. It's been a struggle my whole life. My partner says I breathe like a rabbit - shallow and rhythmic.  It freaks him out - he's afraid I'll die someday from it!  I DO have some heart problems, and I'm sure it's caused by this. It's a dissociative behavior. And I do it almost all the time.  It is usually accompanied by clenching up my body (crossing my legs, hunching forward) and some sort of obsessive behavior (grinding my teeth, picking at my nose, etc). And like any dissociative behavior, I do it to avoid feelings. And it's amazing that after ALL these years of recovery and growth, I'm still reluctant to feel the basic feelings of anger and sadness.  But I'm probably not alone here.  Actually, I've been AFRAID to breathe - that stuff would come out that I can't handle.  I still fear that subconsciously, but I'm able to handle what's come out today - thoughts of disappointment, jealousy, anger, etc.  I feel like all the nightmares of work from the last week is forcing me to be present.  I suppose it's a gift, but so's getting rid of a tooth infection, and that doesn't mean I'm going to enjoy the root canal. :-)  So here I am.  Wish me luck.