breakup story

    I have been lurking for the last month in here. Decided to write my story. Its very long and truth is not sure anyone can say anything to make me feel any better but maybe if there is even a slight possibility that writing it down will help me or if someone can point out something I am not seeing I am going to try. I know this will be a long read and for those that take the time to read through the whole thing thank you. Sometimes its just nice to be heard and have someone see how much I am hurting behind the smile.    We were together 10 months. I try to tell myself this could be worse and at least what happened did so now before years slipped away. It doesn't matter I still love him. Everything about him and I was perfect. I am 38 he is 52 but the age really did not seem to make a difference. He was the perfect boyfriend. Always there when I needed him, before he came over he would always ask if I needed anything. We always had such a great time together. I could fill a page about all the good things about him. I was a little apprehensive before we started dating because of his past. He was a recovering heroin addict. He told me he had been clean for 8 years and I believe he was telling the truth. Its important to mention a few things about his life because I think it plays so much into the story. His job was a huge thing for him and his ability to make money. When he was growing up they had very little. He went into the marines at 17 basically because his mom found out he was dealing drugs. They got into a fight over it he thought he would scare her by threatening to join and she said fine Ill have you up early the next day and much to his surprise she did and he was stubborn so signed up. That at least helped him some. His earlier years where pretty rough. Dad wasn't around, his mom never had a long term relationship. He had no type of serious role model. He did get married once for 9 years and it was based solely around drugs and she was using him pretty bad. After that he was in another marriage that lasted less than a year (drug issues). Fast forward and he moved back to this state and got clean. He did meet someone and they were married within months. Within 2 years it was over. He said it had to do with the fact she wanted to move in the country and he did not. I suspect now there was much more behind it. He came home one day to a note and everything of hers gone. He said they had been fighting for awhile though and she warned him and he said go ahead he just never thought she would. Since her he had been in no relationship that lasted more than a few months to under a year. Had a good reason for all of them ending. Its also important to mention his music. He plays the drums and his band was always very important. This wasn't a garage type band, people did pay them to come play. Two months into the relationship he went to play with some friends then he disappeared and no one heard from him for days. He finally showed up almost 4 days later. He had had a relapse. I don't think it was heroin just pain pills and lots of other stuff. He got back on his feet and I chose to stay with him since it seemed like it was a one time thing. At work things had been looking good. They had moved him into the maintenance job at work and off of welding which is what he really wanted. Then he broke his foot at work and was off for a few weeks. After that he seemed to be having more and more times where he just wanted to be left alone. Still it was not what i would consider bad. My mom passed away in October and things were super hard on me. I think maybe I was in so much pain I might have missed some things going on. Halloween we had a huge blow up and he stormed out. Did not take my calls and would hang up on me for almost 3 days. I was never really sure what it was that caused it. We worked it out and everything seemed ok. Thanksgiving came around. That was also my moms birthday. He went to his sisters I went to my dads. I was a complete wreck that day because my moms death was still so fresh and it was her birthday. He called to say Happy thanksgiving and I was a crying mess. That was when the first real warning sign came but I ignored it. When he heard me so upset he told me that he was having a good day and he really did not call me so that I would bring him down and he was going to let me go. I actually apologized to him later for it. I know now of coarse that was not my fault. Things starting getting progressively worse after that over the next few months. It was not all at once but gradual but for the most part there were more good times than bad times. He seemed to suddenly have this hair trigger temper where everything was upsetting him. He was always this amazing guy to his friends and always was there when they needed him. In the last few months he was different. There is one incident that always sticks out in my mind. One of his friends called him and wanted him to come over because they found out her husband had cancer again. He was complaining to me he really did not want to but he felt he had to. After he got back and I talked to him later I asked him questions like how bad is it and what kind. He said he really did not know. He sit there the whole time not really listening to them talk and just nodding. He said that kind of stuff just depressed him and he said he was supposed to go back over there later that week but he wasn't. This was not the man I met and fell in love with. A friend of mine said yes it probably was he was just starting to show his true self and I was making excuses for his behavior. I thought maybe he was going through a depression because of the way he kept seeming to withdraw more and how he seemed to be always be getting upset. His lead singer in the band had met a girl who wanted him to sing with her and he had not got to play in a long time and for him that was a huge stress relief. Then work took a bad turn. They brought someone else in maintenance. Up to that point he had assumed that he was getting the guy(his supervisor) who was retiring spot in a few months. They sent the new guy to school and made it known he was going to be doing the guys job that was retiring. Then a few weeks later they laid him off. He was not even close to the guy I had know at this point. I felt like I was having to beg him to come and see me. When he did it was later and later in the day than he used to and he seemed like he had to leave so much earlier. Then he would just go home and lay in bed. That month he was laid off he was always sick. I though the sleeping and everything had to do with either him slipping into a depression or maybe the fact that he had sleep apnea but was not getting it treated. My reaction to all this I can see now did not help matters at all. He was renting a room from a good friend of his he worked with. From my point of view him laying in that one room all the time and always sleeping was not helping. I kept pressuring him about us and wanting more and wanting him to move in. In my mind I kept thinking if he gets out of that situation and with me then I can help him get moving and snap out of all of this. I see now I just pushed him away a lot quicker.He was also starting to say things at this point like he felt like he always had to call me or I would get mad and that he did not feel the need to be on the phone with me 24/7. I admit I am a talker but I had told him numerous times that it was Ok if he did not want to he just had to speak up. I did not see him valentines day he was sick again. He did come over the day after and we made love and he took me downtown to an appointment I had. He was going to go head over to where he had been laid off from because his friend had been bugging the people about when they were going to call him back and he got a call from his friend that morning saying they might be calling him. He went over there and he got good news he was going to return to work. I though yea maybe things will look up for him and I will get my guy back. Nope. They brought him back but to welding not where he had been, That job was 10x harder than what he was doing. Oh and to make matters even worse. The night before he was going to go back to work the guy he rented from sit him down and had a talk with him. Told him he might consider changing some things before he came back because all these people he though were his friends talked about him behind his back. I know some of it was about his weight but I think there was other things he was not telling me. That week he went back to work I barely talked to him. He called for a few minuted when he got home but he said he was tired and just wanted to be alone. We were supposed to see each other Saturday so I tried my best not to panic. I kinda failed. I want to add that it wasn't even two weeks before all this he told me that the love he had for me was the kind that lasted forever and not like some where the minute that person walks out of the room you forget about them. Saturday came. My son was staying at my dads I knew how stressed he was and I had a great day planned. I called him no return call. I tried numerous times that day and nothing. I was beyond worried at this point. Last time something like that happened he had a relapse. Sunday i called the house of the guy he was living with and they said he was there up stairs sleeping so I knew he was OK at least. He sent me a text message Sunday saying leave me alone. That was not going to fly with me. I basically texted back and said hell no if you are ending this it will not be over text and I deserve to hear it from you. I also pointed out to him he never ran from anything so he needed to face me. He did call. He told me it was over he did not want to be with me. He was so angry when we were talking. Said he feel out of love with me and to be honest he said being in a relationship was just to much responsibility and he did not want to do it anymore. I asked him what happened and he could not give me reason. Just said that he though a relationship was what he wanted but realized now it was just not something he wanted anymore. He doesn't want to have to go out and see someone weekly, he doesn't want to have to call someone everyday. I asked him how can you say you love me but then say you don't. He told me he wanted to convince himself he did so he kept saying it but if he loved me then he would want to do some of the things I wanted and he did not. My heart still hurts so much every time I think about that conversation. I felt like I lost my mind for that moment in time. I did everything I should not have. I begged and pleaded with him to just wait. I tried to point out that he was stressed and to just give it a couple more weeks. He said he could give it a couple more weeks but the answer would still be the same then. He was far from nice. He even tried hanging up on me and I called him back. I know that was a bad move you don't have to say it but I was not thinking even the least bit clearly. I said fine you said two weeks lets do that. It took me two days to realize that was wrong. You cannot hold onto someone like that. I sit down and wrote him a long note. I apologized for trying to drag it out. More important though I said some things I felt I should have said months before to him but was to scared of setting him off. How I was worried about him and depression. I pointed out all the signs he had from gaining so much weight, the withdrawing , the being angry. I started off fine in letting him go. I thought about my part in all of this and what I could change next time. I just still could not let go I had to have some more solid answers. I emailed him a week and 1/2 later and warned him I wanted to talk and there was just a few things I needed to know and I would keep it brief. I called him the next day and talked to him for about 15 minutes. His voice was so different. It was flat and you could tell he was just tired. I hated hearing it that way. I wanted to know if me pushing him to move in was what set all this off. He said he thought that might be some of it. I talked to him a few minutes and said look if that is really what it was about feeling pressure then I can fix that. If you want to start dating again I miss you and would love to and we can go slower. He said he would consider it but he also said that he was liking the fact that all he had to do anymore was go to work come home then basically nothing else. That was on a Thursday. I called him on a Monday and he said he thought about it and just did not want to get into it anymore. He said none of this had to do with me. That I was an amazing girlfriend and nothing I did had been wrong. He just did not want to be with anyone. I keep thinking if I had not done anything wrong you would not have left me. He said if I still want to call we can talk and be friends. In my head I said yep that's the answer Ill just wait this out. In the mean time I am talking to people and what they are telling me was scaring the hell out of me. I have had more than one person when I describe what is happening tell me its not depression he had relapsed and he was back on drugs. So I made another HUGE mistake. I was so worried I called him the next day in my most cheerful voice just to say hi and see how he was doing. I asked him about work and he flew off the handle. Starting yelling about how bad it was. They got him doing this hard work he was exhausted and then to make matters worse the F*** (his words not mine)that took his job in maintenance kept coming over there to him asking him how to fix things and he would have to stop and explain it. Then he said he had to go he wanted to sleep. I tried not to let it seem that he was bothering me. This was not the man I feel in love with that's for sure. He was angry and his voice was just dead inside. I want to point out that I had told him from the beginning if he ever wanted me to leave him alone just tell me to leave him the F alone and I would. I should have waited a few days to call. I know better but my emotions got the best of me and I was worried and thought if I just call even for 5 minutes he would know someone cared. So I called the next day and within 2 minutes on the phone he was yelling about how tired he was and he did not want to talk to anyone. Not me not anybody. I said Ok I can call back another time I am not trying to stress you. That when he told me to just leave him the fuck alone and hung up on me. That was a week ago today that happened. I did sit down and write him a brief email the next day saying I was sorry it was not my intentions to make matters worse I would not be contacting him again but I also made it clear if he needed anyone to talk he could still call me and I would not turn my back on him. Maybe that was not such a great idea but I know he has no one in his life that really gives a damn and I still love him and I wanted him to know there was a choice.    Here is where the real problems start happening for me. I cannot make myself let go. People are telling me that he was either relapsing or he already had. Someone else told me that with someone who had abused heroin and pain pills all their life the behavior he is showing would just be a constant repeat of being good for awhile to pulling within himself and I am better to get out now. Someone else said that he probably was always like that I just starting seeing the real him. It was also pointed out to me that there is a reason they brought someone else in maintenance and laid him off. He was amazing at his job so it was not quality of work. They brought someone in with less experienced. A friend said did it ever occur to me that his job required him to work with people and maybe there was a good reason people talked about him behind his back an they moved him out of that position. Another thing someone pointed out to me was the fact that he was 52 and has not had one healthy long lasting relationship and there was probably a reason for that and I was not going to change that. People just cannot understand why I can't seem to let him go. I am told I was changing, loosing myself and he had become toxic for me. All I can see still is how much I hurt and I am so worried about him. I want to talk to him I want to hear he is OK. I had asked him one of the last times we had talked if he was using again and he got really upset and said hell no. I figure he would not lie about that but people are telling me he would because he would be ashamed to admit it. Again when I say how I feel to my friends they tell me this was over last month and I need to let it go already and stop dragging myself through this. One person even suggested it seems like I like to be in pain and that's why I cant move on. He posted something on his facebook last night. He just got accepted into a new band and they play out also. For just a brief moment I felt good. I figured if he was playing again then that would make all the difference. The more he played the happier he always seemed to be. I cannot make my head wrap around the fact that he no longer wants me in his life and that he has moved on. There is part of me that knows its over and he will not be coming back and then there is the other half of me that fights back and says yes he will I just have to be patient. I know that is not healthy. I know I have got to accept it is over so I can move on with my life but I cannot figure out how. The last two days I got out of bed took my son to school came home and slept again until I had to get him. I wont call him nor will I email him again but some days like today I feel so close to breaking down and picking up the phone. I want him back, I want the guy who I feel in love with. I cannot make myself accept that I will not ever hold him again or hear his laugh and he wants nothing to do with me. I really doubt anyone can say anything different that anyone else has not already told me but I just wanted to tell my story from start to finish just once. I have never used the journal but I think I might even copy and paste this as a journal entry to help me.