Breakthroughs Born From Pain

When I've been inconsolable (either from physical or emotional pain) in the past, my husband has been all but useless.  He tends to make things worse, in fact.  When I was in labor with our third child, he blessedly slept through most of my 20 hours of labor or I might have killed him.
It's hard to explain what he does.  I'm inclined to say that he does "nothing" and that's the problem - I want him to do SOMETHING.  It's not an apathetic, "Just standing around," nothing, but more like someone who just paces and throws hands in the air and looks frantic nothing.
A prime example is that he'll see me crying with snot rolling down my face and smeary tears making a mess of things and just... sit there.  He won't reach out to touch me or hug me or so much as offer a tissue.  I finally got out of him at one point that he's scared to touch me when I'm upset and hurting because he's afraid he'll make it worse.  With physical pain, I DO get it.  I don't usually like the extra stimulation when I'm in severe pain, so hugging/cuddling is just out for me.  But emotional pain?  I guess for him, pain = pain = pain.  They're all the same. 
I know that the best action to take is to sort of coach him through taking care of me, but we both get frustrated and it generally causes a fight when I'm in the middle of needing care.  That said, twice in the last few months I've brought up the idea that bringing someone a Kleenex when they're crying is a kind and nurturing gesture.  The point is to do it spontaneously because you see someone crying, not wait around to be asked.  Cos yes, I CAN GET MY OWN DAMNED TISSUE... but bringing me one is an act of love.
That I had to bring it up twice irked me and left me feeling exasperated and hopeless.  Both times were times when I was distraught and I was trying to tell him how to take care of me and he was staring blankly at me as if I were speaking Yiddish.  I get not knowing what to do, but after having it explained and STILL not doing it, it feels blatantly like he was denying affection/love. 
So, a couple of days ago I was at the end of my rope in pain and sobbing my little heart out, and I just wasn't expecting much from him.  I had pretty much lost hope about any sort of respite or comfort.   Imagine my surprise when my husband sought me out (he originally was in another part of the house) and then he leaned in close and asked, "Can I touch you?"  Truth be told, I didn't really want to be touched because I was hurting so much, but I figured that shy of stabbing me in the kidney he wasn't going to cause any MORE pain, so why not?
He gently patted my back for a moment or two, and then abruptly got up and left the room.  I was baffled and really hurt.  I mean... what the hell!?  I open up to let him try to comfort me and then he chickens out!?  But then he came back with a fist full of tissues and awkwardly thrust them at me.  It was the sweetest gesture I think he's made in forever.  I guess he really DOES listen, sometimes.
It didn't FIX my pain, but he was trying SO hard to be what I needed, so I pulled from my deepest reserves to pull myself together and calm down.  I stopped crying and just curled up in bed next to him.  Of course, that helped me relax, which did ease the pain some.  It was certainly no "cure" but it was definitely helpful and I think he was really glad and proud to have been helpful. 
It was nice being able to lean on him in my time of need.  Three years ago, I'd have been 100% on my own.  He'd have left the room entirely and left me to my own devices until I was "better" (or at least pretended to be.) 
I wish I could be better at letting him know what I need when I'm in the moment of needing.  This is where counseling was beneficial to us since we could come up with scenarios and come up with plans in advance of situations coming up.  Sounds kind of lame, but we're not very good at doing that on our own.  If I were better organized, I'd start writing down sample situations and either try talking them through on our own or maybe take it back to counseling again.
All this progress born out of pain.  If not for the pain of his affair, then there'd have been no reason for us to fix all that was broken.  If not for my physical (and sometimes emotional) pain, he'd have no reason to work on his empathy and nurturing skills.  If not for the pain and distress it causes HIM to watch me suffer, I wouldn't work on asking for help and letting people know what I need.
Damned messy.  Wish there'd been an easier path.  But I am glad for progress.