BREAKTHROUGH!

Snakes.... who would have thought that the thing I hate the most would give me the answers to the final questions regarding my X!
When I took my X's ashes to his parents and then had the funeral, I got the answers to the why he kept drinking questions, got the answers to why he died.... the answer I was still missing to move forward was "was he truly trying to kill me or just make me sick?  And WHY?"  That may not sound like much of a big question, but truthfully, the pain I felt from it lingering was the reason I'm still grieving so deeply....
Deeder, my Jack Russell, is going through surgery today - removing her dew claws that she keeps breaking.   So as I wait to hear how it went, I went home to get some lawn mowing done.   First up was poop patrol.... and with dread, I was walking the yard, cleaning it up to get ready to mow.   I KNEW they were there.   I hate snakes.   And sure enough, TWO.   My cat went after one, I went after the other with the garden hose, chased it out of the yard, right over where I put down snake repellant.  Nasty little things... I still shiver as I think about them....  they'll be back, I know they will.  And no, I am not mowing lawn today afterall.... YUK.
Getting back to the office, I was talking to one of my customers about those snakes, talking about ways to get rid of them because they are ignoring the Snake Away I put down this morning.   Doesn't help that I ran out of the stuff today. And she asked if my husband would get rid of them for me.   So, of course, I had to tell her how he died this past winter....
And it turned out she's a Psychiatric Nurse.   And as we talked, she began to answer the last of my questions... about how the alcohol related dementia not only brought on his death, but how it was most likely the reason itself for that WHY.... and nothing more....
And so after she left, I looked it up online, saw in more detail how long term alcoholism affects the brain, affects behaviors.   So many of the answers were there, explaining how people recover, and how many can't.  How it all depends on how long the alcoholic drank and how much.  Personality changes and behavior changes were spot on.   From what I was reading, it wasn't that he was TRYING to harm... but that he probably just didn't know he was....  tiny little strokes... tiny little manfunctions in memory... tiny little malfunctions in simple abilities to do things... He most likely didn't even know he was doing it...
I get it.   Twinges of guilt are here... should I have called his doctor and told him what I was seeing?   Probably.   Would it have helped?   Probably not.   Because at the end, the alcohol was all he was living for.  He hid it from EVERYONE. Even demanded that the doctors not discuss it with me, and the DA's office told me that even though I was a victim of the assault, I didn't have a right to KNOW.   It was out of my hands.... and add to that, I was completely clueless on what to do about it anyways.  The doctors couldn't force him to quit.... I couldn't force him either.... my son either... even the police weren't convinced it was that severe... though God knows how much we all tried to do SOMETHING... add in the privacy laws that puts walls in the middle of the communications needed to get rehab and treatments to work....
Sigh.... It's over. Done.  Regret and guilt won't ever bring him back.  And that means that I can close the most important door.... the LAST DOOR... I have my answer.   It hurts like hell, but NOW I'm able to really focus on moving into my future and finish HEALING.... ALONE.... SOLO.... interesting little words that I never really considered and explored before... and a future where I figure out how to get rid of those snakes and in the process embrace the whole of ME.   Later.

Replies

mtnlionbait
mtnlionbait

And another update... tonite was walk nite with my friend Denise. I needed a walk - nature is so soothing for me. As we hiked the hills around town, I began to truly feel the final stage of the grief come.... could feel that this was it, what I need to face to finally let go..... and more tears fell....

A message was on the answering machine when I entered the house when we were done. A number from Aberdeen, across the state. I don\'t know of anyone from Aberdeen. So I pressed the play button on the machine and this male voice I don\'t recognize says \"Hey, David\"... and then just the sound of breathing, like he was expecting David to pick up the phone. David hasn\'t lived here in 2 years. David is my x who died....

I tried calling the number back... and the recording said it\'s disconnected. I even checked 3 times on 2 different phones and looked it up online - a verizon cell phone number. And so I\'m stuck. Stuck wondering. I think a door just slammed wide open and I\'m afraid to look inside. Because doors only open when you are ready to go through them. And you HAVE to be ready. They won\'t open until then. I\'ll keep trying to see who this might be.... gonna look, despite my fears... I\'ll keep you posted when I find out.
trisha9054
trisha9054

I\'m glad you finally had this breakthrough. Don\'t feel guilty for what your ex did to hisself. There is no way you could know why he did the things he was doing. There is no way you can help someone who doesn\'t know they need help.

Now that you\'ve learned more you are now free to work on your business plan some more. I really think you will be able to do this. You\'ve done the research and already have clients who will get you more work. You are on your way to the business yo want.
Karenhopeful
Karenhopeful

I am with you on the snakes. I also hate them. Marigolds and onions are natural snake repellants. They don\'t like the smell. Perhaps plant some onions around the perimeter of your garden and marigolds throughout..... potted marigolds will also work on your porch and patio.

I have come to expect that we learn what we need when the \'\'universe\'\' decides that we should learn it. It is not always easy. I find that sometimes uttering a prayer \'\'let me be open to what you want me to learn here\'\' helps reveal the lessons.
Karenhopeful
Karenhopeful

That second paragraph is not about the snakes...... :) (Although I suppose it could be!)