Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Today I thought I would clarify the vague statement in my profile referring to my husband's decision that we're separated.
March 31, 2002, after way too many years in a house that was too small (and only had 1 bathroom) for 6 people, we finally moved into a larger house.  Our oldest daughter was 19 and the rest of the kids ranged on down to 11.  At that time, to the best of my knowledge, our marriage was neither great nor horrible.  It was at least good enough that my husband still occasionally initiated sex, not often, but then it had never been more than a few times a year since the kids came along anyway.  We duly "christened" our house some time in April.
In summer we discovered that the AC does not reach the upstairs bedrooms and it was hotter than hell up there unless we had a fan going.  My husband doesn't mind the heat and he was concerned that the noise from the fan would damage his hearing (yes, I know, I told him it was 'white noise' and wouldn't hurt him, but he's paranoid about safety).  After a couple of weeks of sleeping with ear plugs in his ears, he started sleeping downstairs on the couch.
Fall came and even though it was cool enough to turn off the fan, he never returned upstairs to sleep.  Some time in the middle of November we discovered that our beautiful, talented, 19 yr-old daughter was a hard core heroin junkie.  I'm talking arm tying, spoon cooking, shooting up $100 to $200 per day addict.  He was furious, I was horrified.  I had been in therapy for many years and we had tried the marriage counseling already, but I made an appointment for both of us with my therapist to discuss what we could do to help our child.
As we sat side by side on the couch, we told my therapist about our startling discovery.  When we finished, my therapist looked at us and said, "The best thing you can do for your daughter right now is to get your marriage straightened out."  As I sat there trying to digest his statement, my husband looked him straight in the eye and said, "I'm not interested in fixing our marriage.  I consider us 'separated'."  I really don't who was more surprised, me or my therapist.  After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I turned around and looked at my husband and said, "Oh really?  This is the first I've heard of it.  When did you plan to tell ME?"
I don't remember much of his explanation or how the rest of the appointment went.  I can remember my therapist saying something to the effect of, "Let me get this straight.  You don't think your marriage needs any help?  There's nothing YOU need to do differently?"  And then my husband saying something like, "No, I'm not the problem.  It's my wife and daughter that need to be fixed.  Not me."
A few months later our daughter more or less moved out.  One day I thought, well, if we're really separated, and he's not sleeping in our bedroom, then his stuff doesn't need to be in here and he doesn't need to come in here any more.  I moved my daughter's stuff into the basement and moved his stuff into her room.  Shortly after that, he put a lock on the door.  He keeps his room locked and carries the key with him at all times.  The reason is supposedly because he has some valuable stuff that he doesn't want our two oldest to steal for drug money, but even when both of them were in jail he still locked the damned door.
And that's how it's been for the past 8 years.  We speak only when necessary.  It's not that we're specifically "not speaking", it's more the fact that we have nothing to say to each other.  I've made attempts over the years to make amends for my share of the problems, but he refuses to address them.  He told me once that I had hurt him too badly and he didn't want to ever be hurt that way again.  Since he has never been very open, even during our best years, I have no real idea what it is I did exactly that hurt him so much. 
I did consult an attorney regarding divorce in 2005, but a couple of days later I got laid off and ended up using what little savings I had to tide me over while I was trying to find a new job.  I've never been able to save up any amount of money since then.  Apparently I am no longer part of his family, since I'm not invited to dinner when his sister comes to town from California.  Recently there was a wedding on his side of the family that we were both invited to, but I had to hear about it through my daughter.  He neglected to mention it to me at all even though he attended.  I have no idea what he tells his family about us. 
It has only been in the last 8 or 9 months that I've even decided that I no longer owe my husband any explanations for anything I do.  Since he feels free to go through my mail, I have gone "paperless" with nearly everything.  I go about what passes for my life.  He goes about his.  I really don't think there is another woman.  He's pretty much a work-a-holic.  When he's not spending his time with our grandson (who we he is raising--I'm not invited to participate in that either), or complaining to our children about me (I am very careful not to put them in the middle but they tell me the things HE says), he's either working late, working on the weekend, or working at home.
 To tell the truth, I really DON'T CARE what he does.  If he has a woman on the side, more power to him.  I don't want him to be alone and unhappy.  If money wasn't an issue, I would be out of this house and this marriage in a flash.  He could have his house, his investments, his retirement money--everything.  Everything is his since he pays the majority of the bills.  I don't want a damned thing from him. 
I don't know why he stays with me.  I have a feeling it's because he doesn't want to have to split everything with me and it would cost too much to live separately.  Also, he was raised a good Catholic boy and getting a divorce would be a sin.  That is a serious issue to him.
There are a lot of other complications in the equation however--our kids' drug addiction and attempt at recovery, our grandson (we are his 'legal guardians') whose father, also an ex-addict, is trying to get him back legally, the other two kids who are not quite ready to fly the nest yet because they are still in school.  I'm not staying with him for the sake of the kids, at least not in the typical sense.  The damage has already been done to them--it was done early on before I realized there was a serious problem with our marriage.
I could go on and on about how we got to where we are, and maybe some time I will, but I'm trying to move ahead rather than look behind.  I have done quite a bit of thinking about and research into divorce, but it seems that every time I think I have a plan, I run into a wall.
I'm just so tired and confused.  And alone....... Sometimes it's just too much.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

This sounds like such a toxic life...I wish you could just walk away...find a cheap place to live and get the divorce you need. You deserve of everything, but you deserve some peace, a chane to get your life together, a chance to find happy instead of just plodding through your day-to-day existence.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am truly at a loss for words....I am so sorry for what you have gone through, and are going through. I too hope you can find a way out of that situation. You do deserve to find peace...sending many many many positive thoughts your way!!
trisha9054
trisha9054

All I can add is how sorry I am that you are having to live like this.