Breaking their hearts, breaking my own
I've done it again. I'll try to keep this short, mostly for my own sanity.
My last relationship lasted 2 years, and was simultaneously the happiest and most depressing period of my life. My girlfriend and I could not have been closer, but then I began to get jealous, and one night I cheated on her at a party. I danced with another girl and we kissed. My girlfriend saw and was heartbroken. Somehow I convinced her not to leave me there and then and for the next year, we stuck together through a rollercoaster of mutual infidelity, supreme bliss (and amazing sex), constant lies, sunny picnics, and endless tears. Last October we broke up once and for all It was a long time coming and though the first few weeks were hard (we vowed never to communicate with each other again), I soon found myself happy again.
A few months after that, I began a new relationship. This girl was very different - she was quiet, shy, and intelligent - traits that I think I share. We got along very well and soon took a vacation together, which was an incredibly happy month. Though we had each wanted to take this relationship slowly, it was clear that we had both grown very fond of one another. We spent a lot of time together, and, like the previous relationship, we were each other's best friends.
But then I did it again. At a party, I got drunk and danced with another girl. We kissed - my girlfriend saw - and now it's over. I had told her about my past before, and somehow she still cared for me and trusted that I had changed. I really wanted to change, and she made me happy so I didn't think anything would happen. After she caught me, we stayed up talking all night and I told her that it was probably best for both of us to break up, but I left her to make the decision. At least this time I didn't drag us through a year of disaster, but I don't understand how I've found myself in this place again.
As I try to analyze my feelings, I really don't get what would drive me to do this. Most people that I told this to would probably just dismiss me as a typical womanizing asshole, and honestly they're probably right. But I don't want to believe that at all. And if it is true, then at least I do want to be different. I don't want that to be me. I want to live happily with one person who loves and trusts me without any fear of infidelity.
I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you do, please try to be respectful. That said, I've come to this site to help organize my thoughts and to look for support and ideas for how to change. So I really will appreciate anything that you can offer.
My last relationship lasted 2 years, and was simultaneously the happiest and most depressing period of my life. My girlfriend and I could not have been closer, but then I began to get jealous, and one night I cheated on her at a party. I danced with another girl and we kissed. My girlfriend saw and was heartbroken. Somehow I convinced her not to leave me there and then and for the next year, we stuck together through a rollercoaster of mutual infidelity, supreme bliss (and amazing sex), constant lies, sunny picnics, and endless tears. Last October we broke up once and for all It was a long time coming and though the first few weeks were hard (we vowed never to communicate with each other again), I soon found myself happy again.
A few months after that, I began a new relationship. This girl was very different - she was quiet, shy, and intelligent - traits that I think I share. We got along very well and soon took a vacation together, which was an incredibly happy month. Though we had each wanted to take this relationship slowly, it was clear that we had both grown very fond of one another. We spent a lot of time together, and, like the previous relationship, we were each other's best friends.
But then I did it again. At a party, I got drunk and danced with another girl. We kissed - my girlfriend saw - and now it's over. I had told her about my past before, and somehow she still cared for me and trusted that I had changed. I really wanted to change, and she made me happy so I didn't think anything would happen. After she caught me, we stayed up talking all night and I told her that it was probably best for both of us to break up, but I left her to make the decision. At least this time I didn't drag us through a year of disaster, but I don't understand how I've found myself in this place again.
As I try to analyze my feelings, I really don't get what would drive me to do this. Most people that I told this to would probably just dismiss me as a typical womanizing asshole, and honestly they're probably right. But I don't want to believe that at all. And if it is true, then at least I do want to be different. I don't want that to be me. I want to live happily with one person who loves and trusts me without any fear of infidelity.
I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you do, please try to be respectful. That said, I've come to this site to help organize my thoughts and to look for support and ideas for how to change. So I really will appreciate anything that you can offer.
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