Breaking Free Moving On

My path is paved with such good intentions. I keep meaning to spend a bit more time here but the fact that I am not here as much does mean I am breaking free and beginning to feel the surge of life returning.
In December last year I was a mess again. It seems that there was residue grief that simply had to be dealt with. I was on holiday and it hit me, like a semi trailer, that I no matter what I did or where I went, I had to do it without Darryl and his absence crushed me. Joining DS was, in fact, the first step towards dealing with that grief and moving on.
I began the year with high hopes but then had the trauma of my mothers ill health. She could not swallow and by the time she was seen to by the surgeon, was bringing up her own saliva. We were all convinced it was something really terrible. The thought of steering my elderly mother through cancer was enough to bring me to my knees.
Happily it was not cancer. A hiatus hernia had left scar tissue and that was the cause of the blockage. I don't think Mum will eat normally again. We have to puree everything. But she is at home and seems quite bright and well.
The big issue for me was breaking free of the chains that bound me, going on and living the new life I had sold the family home and come searching for.
Of recent weeks I do believe I have begun to live the life I came searching for.
° I regularly volunteer at St Vincents de Paul and enjoy 'playing shops' and being with the people who volunteer there.
° I responded to an advertisement in the local paper and offered workshops at a neigbouring town. I have run web design for small businesses and set up a group for women who have undergone significant life change. We have met twice and I can see that this is something that will build up in numbers. The women who responded, like me, are new to this area and are keen to meet people and fit in and establish a sense of community.
° Joined the Country Women's Association and go to their monthly dinner meetings.
° Dined once a week with another single friend who moved up here at the same time as me.
° Returned to working on the website I spent ten years building, which I had all but turned my back over the past twelve months.
° Visited the local library on a regular basis and borrowed DVD's and audio books. Been prepared to just sit and listen and watch.
° Begun to claim the space I am in by decorating in the style (country cottage) that I have always loved.
° Spent some time in the garden.
° Renewed my passport and booked to go to Malaysia for a island holiday for my sixtieth birthday in August
° Spontaneously booked to fly to Queensland and stay with a long term friend, one of the few who have really made the effort to keep in touch with me, who understands how I have felt over the past ten years.
I am still renting the house I rented to live in while I made up my mind about this area, while I decided it it is the right area for me. I have watched the real estate market closely but have not found anything that has the sense of spirit this place has. My son always says he can feel his father's presence here.
I suspect I will be here for quite a few years. Australians are far too obsessed with home ownership. After clearing my own house and my mother-in-laws place I am very aware that when it is all said and done it simply does not matter. I regard this place as my own and look after it as I would my own. I have given my children early inheritance and I doubt they will need much more. Besides, I found the graves of the old couple who build and lived here, who worked the sheep farm that surrounds me, and I sometimes go and visit and thank them for the legacy they left, a place for me to live.
So, after many months, I can say I have broken free of those chains and set ideas that were constraining me. I have built new relationships that nourish me. I am delighted to be able to say that I have met each of the goals that I set for myself.
Thanks to each of you who have supported me as I have been walking, continue to walk this path.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh, you have done such a good job and set an example for all of us. I am still working on settling in here, now to face the task of making new friends and activities.
Thank you.
ricebells
ricebells

Glad you are feeling good about all your goals.Keep plodding on Heather
Alice
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe

Heather - I just so love your spirit. Your inner essence just shines through your journals. I\'m not gushing, promise! I\'ve found, too, that somehow I\'m opening up and listening more. And like a domino, that makes others open up and listen more to me, too. It\'s good. Thank you for sharing your thoughts - I\'m rooting you on from the other side of the world. Hugs, Marsha
deleted_user
deleted_user

Congratulations on meeting your goals! Life is not the same but it can be good.
deleted_user
deleted_user

KUDOS to you - you have done great and are a definite inspiration to me!
deleted_user
deleted_user

You have been a big blessing to us here. I admire your spirit immensely. Sue
pneylan
pneylan

This is wonderul to read, Heather and you should feel proud of everything you have achieved. It is a very different life we now have but you are obviously making a real success of shaping your new life. Good luck with everything you do and thanks also to you for all your support and friendship. Keep in touch. Take care. Patrick