Breaking Free
It's a hard thing to do. I'm sitting here, wondering if everything is okay, literally looking at the telephone. I haven't spoken to my father since Wednesday and today is Friday. It's hard. Thoughts run through my mind: is he okay? Has he fallen? Is he screaming out for help? But I can't know the answer to these questions because for the first time in my life I'm walking away from my father.
God help me.
I never thought I could do something like this, but I'm a rat, fighting for life, fighting to survive this widowhood crap that's been thrust upon me. And I can't do it with my father dragging me down into the depths of despair.
I'm alone now, truly alone and I feel it with every fiber of my being. I can't make sense of it, but it's there. 53 years in the making. I have no strength to fight now and must think of me, but being selfish is nothing I'm proud of. It's not who I am, so I struggle and watch the telephone, and listen to the clock ticking. Time passes slowly, me sitting here typing, watching the phone, wondering.
Will I regret this one day? Will I stand before God and have to explain it? Is there a good explantion for why I'm walking away from a father I'd long forgiven and loved up until seven months ago. The truth is the dagger he stuck in my soul is long and pointed. It stripped everything away, consumed me. Sometimes I'm so consumed with the words he's spoken that I forget that I'm a widow and that just want do. No one should have that sort of power.
So I walked away. I packed the rest of my things and left him standing there. I've never done anything so difficult.
Pray for me.
God help me.
I never thought I could do something like this, but I'm a rat, fighting for life, fighting to survive this widowhood crap that's been thrust upon me. And I can't do it with my father dragging me down into the depths of despair.
I'm alone now, truly alone and I feel it with every fiber of my being. I can't make sense of it, but it's there. 53 years in the making. I have no strength to fight now and must think of me, but being selfish is nothing I'm proud of. It's not who I am, so I struggle and watch the telephone, and listen to the clock ticking. Time passes slowly, me sitting here typing, watching the phone, wondering.
Will I regret this one day? Will I stand before God and have to explain it? Is there a good explantion for why I'm walking away from a father I'd long forgiven and loved up until seven months ago. The truth is the dagger he stuck in my soul is long and pointed. It stripped everything away, consumed me. Sometimes I'm so consumed with the words he's spoken that I forget that I'm a widow and that just want do. No one should have that sort of power.
So I walked away. I packed the rest of my things and left him standing there. I've never done anything so difficult.
Pray for me.
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