Breakdowns etc. (Long)
*POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING*
My life has gone completely haywire recently. I had a friend of 10 years come to stay for 2 nights on the 19th of June, and honestly she kept me going after the big breakdown I'd had a few nights before (mostly in secret) and got me through some of the verbal barrage I was receiving online off an ex-friend. Having her there also helped me to eat because I cared too much about whether she was hungry and if she needed to eat, I'd have to have something too. We drank an awful lot. I don't think there was a night that week I was sober.
Then it was my Graduation Ball. I was extremely nervous and felt as if I'd be sick. I felt very on my own when I was setting off - But I was determined to look stunning to the last detail, even if my corset and long skirt (together they looked like a dress) cost in the region of £20 all-together.
The night was wonderful and a great distraction from the heartbreak and starvation I'd been feeling, and despite the extreme price, there was no food. There was a cafe, but when I went for food she said it had just closed so instead I bought a bottle of wine for myself... having been drunk from the nights before and kept drinking through the event prior to the wine as it was.
That week, the man I was in love with, and have been waiting around for for 8 months whilst he 'sorts things out' with consistent indication that he was going to break up with his girlfriend for cheating on him while he was out of the country and constant reassurance that he loves me deeply instead and had wanted me since we met 3 years ago, told me he was going to give things with her another go. About a week before we leave Uni. The one thing I said from day one I was scared of. I can quote myself saying "I just don't want to still be doing this 7 months down the line only to have you turn around and say you're actually choosing her after being with me this whole time. If I don't have a shot, I'd rather know now." but apparently it "wasn't that simple." At this point I'd like to point out that I have done everything for him this year. I even stayed up all night with him whilst he did his dissertation and ended up writing out his extensive reference list for him because he was working literally to the last minute of his (already extended) deadline. I went to his doctors appointments with him. He tried to kill himself and I stayed up with him all night... I've tried to give him EVERYTHING he needs and she couldn't even give him loyalty... and yet here I am. I'd do it all again I think... because I'm a fool and I love him and I wanted him to be happy and for our time together I think he was, even if my heart was breaking every time she texted him or he had to leave the room to answer her calls, or leave me all together to go and see her...
Don't get me wrong. I know I've done a terrible thing, and I feel awful for that. But when it started, he did a very good job of making me feel like he'd picked me already, and I was convinced they'd be over by the end of the week... then the next week... then the week after... then surely by Christmas (when he did try but it didn't stick)... then after his dissertation was in... then after his exams were over... I'm clearly no less naive than the 11 year old girl I used to be.
I think he knew all along. I think once again... I may have just been used for sex... and other stuff. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even feel guilty. I asked him if he'll be able to go back to normal with her knowing he's been sleeping with me all this time and he said he thinks he can.
I broke down that night. I'd cut myself once already that week because I'd felt it coming. I was being sick, I was crying, I got drunk, he was hiding my sharp objects... He did however, try to leave. He said I was just making him feel bad and he didn't have to take that shit. I apologised, said I was just hurting, that I loved him, that this is what I've been scared of the whole time. Eventually he stayed. For 2 days... I barely ate or left my bed. He didn't try hard to make me. He just got a bit frustrated about it. When I did leave my bed I could hardly walk. But we had sex again. Twice. He'd said that he wanted to give her a real try to see how he felt about her now, that it wasn't a no forever, but a no for at the moment whilst he got his head together and that meant no sex, but he still wanted to talk and would always be there for me. He said any other affection would be my choice, whether we could still kiss, cuddle, hold hands etc. He said he still wanted to see me and hang out, just no sex. Then why did we have sex? I asked him over and over - Are you sure this is what you want? Are you okay with this? Is this really alright? He said yes every time, and kept on telling me he loves me. I thought maybe he'd changed his mind and was going to tell me so afterwards, but the words never came and I felt awful. I had to stop both times because it was hurting me so much to have him inside me. My vaginismus may have just been particularly bad because of how I was feeling, and all the stress, I don't know but it was agonizing. I tried to keep going through the pain but eventually it was just to painful. I apologised so much, told him I felt I'd let him down. After that he got on a bus, I saw him off, I cried.
The next morning my mum came and took me to therapy and I didn't mention it to her. She commented on how thin I was getting. Everyone does at the moment. I don't feel thin, I just feel weak, but the hunger is a good distraction from what I'm feeling. I talked about it all briefly in therapy, but I wanted to achieve something so I worked through another memory with her (the time my drug dealing ex-boyfriend pressured me into sex, my suicidal thoughts at the time, and my incidents with weed fueled by him, not to mention the way we broke up) After that we picked up my friend and she came to stay. Lots of stuff went on but mostly we drank got dressed up and went out and I ran the pool competition my team was in Friday-Saturday and tried to deal with the problems I've been having with my ex friend. My friend kept me going those days. I love her dearly.
But as I said, then she left for home and it was time to face Grad Ball. I never made it home that night. I'd booked a seat on the coach there and back, but I only got the coach there. I woke up the next morning in agony wearing clothes that weren't mine, in one of my best friends beds with her beside me (M). All my things were in a neat pile by the wardrobe and there was a glass of water next to me. There were bite marks in my fingers and I was bruised. I stayed there most of the day, not able to move much and she insisted on feeding me so I had some bread and butter. It tasted amazing. She's an angel and I've loved her since we met.V This is complicated. V
Before Grad Ball, I'd been asked on a date by a friend (N). I'd told him I was sorry and he was lovely but I wasn't in a position where I felt I could date at the moment and I hope that's okay, and he said it was fine but could we still go for drinks as friends before graduating and I said yes. At the ball I desperately tried to reconnect with another male friend (J) who I'd cut off for quite a while, said I needed time on my own and I wasn't really up to speaking to or seeing anyone and I felt awful for it. He felt like it may have been personal, and he's a great guy and I want him in my life so we spent a lot of time together at the Ball as well as with M, and her flatmates who I'm also friends with. Another male friend (S) has been getting quite close lately, and everyone said he seems into me, but as I said to N, I'm not in a place where I can be dating so I've tried to ignore it. S was getting a little uncomfortable with how much me and J were talking, and we're close for people who've not known each other all that long because of certain circumstances, so there was a lot of hugging and stuff. We've missed each other while I've been off being mental. As soon as J left, S had a breakdown, just as N came to talk to me about when we're going for drinks. I had to ask N to wait while I tended to S who informed me he'd stopped taking his Sertraline. I've had Sertraline and hated it, so I reassured him I knew how awful it was, but he really needed to go to the doctors asap and tell them he wants out so that they can ween him off it gradually because his body will struggle with shock and withdrawal and that's probably worse than how he feels just taking them anyway. I looked after him for ages. Then it got really intense.
He said he was scared, he wanted to make people happy and was scared he couldn't. This is something I can relate to, so I comforted him for a long time. Then he looks me dead in the eyes and says "there's really one person I want to make happy." I asked him if he was ok. He was gripping my arms with both hands. He said "look into my eyes and you'll know" and I did. I kept on looking, and spieling off all kinds of stuff about how he was feeling like I knew it to be true. He kept nodding and saying "yes, look deeper." eventually I said "Do you think you love someone S?" He said yes.
I nearly fainted on the spot. It was all to much. Through all of this poor N had been stood watching, waiting for me to be done so we could talk, and here was S gripping me and locking eyes. I know a bit about S's past and I knew that if I passed out right there it could destroy his confidence forever. I went into autopilot. I let responsibility take over and I gave him a tonne of advice and said that if he needed to talk he could message me. M was there too, saying everyone was leaving the Ball and the coach was outside. I did some quick maths. I assessed my feelings and I knew I'd never make it home on a coach with S and N sat around me. I was losing my mind inside. So I kept calm outside, apologised to N and said he was free to message me any time, kept telling S to please take my advice about the meds and that I hoped he was ok and to let me know if he needed anything. I walked with them to the coach. I whispered to M "is there a free seat in the taxi back to yours?" (her flat had arranged alternate transport. She said yes, and it was £10 and just one seat. I asked if I could have it and she looked thrilled. As soon as we all got to the coach I shouted goodbyes to N and S and they were like, "aren't you getting on too?" and I was like "sorry, no, see you later"
My memories after that are scattered. Being helped over to the taxi by M. Being in the taxi and feeling a hand on my face. Her flatmate K (wonderful boy) saying he could carry me, and I protested. I remember being in his arms and begging him to leave me in the road. I remember gripping a doorframe and being pulled back. I remember crying. I remember asking for a pair of scissors. After speaking to M, I now remember a lot more.
I've told her before that often when I breakdown, people don't tell me what I'm like because "they don't want to upset me" and how much that scares me. So she promised when I said I was ready, she'd tell me the whole truth, everything she remembered if I wanted. Tonight I said I was ready. This is what she said with amendments for clarification and anonymity:"Okay well I guess it started when I was pulling you away from the guy (S), not sure how much you remember so I'll start from there and go until you came around. You stopped being able to walk as we left ******** so I was pulling you along by your waist and got you into the taxi, when we were in there you started whimpering and crying, so I pulled you so you were leaning with your head on my neck, you started to go limp and said you couldn't feel your arms or legs, in the taxi you stopped being able to speak and it was as though your body was starting to shut down, I kept trying to get you to talk and kept checking you were breathing but you just stayed there not moving and were limp. When we got back to our house (About 45 minutes later) You were able to stand but K didn't want you to cross the road in that state so he picked you up and carried you into the house, at which point you were crying quite a lot and asking to be put down, he was going to take you into the lounge but instead I made him put you down and I took you up the stairs into my room because Id figured that you wouldn't want the others to see you in that state. As I was carrying you up the stairs you kept saying that everything hurt, at first I thought it was your corset so I got you into my room and put you on a chair, thats when I got that baggy shirt out of my wardrobe and took off your corset (don't worry I didn't see anything), then I was just trying to make you comfortable so I took out your hair extensions and I think it was around then that the break down sort of started. You slipped off the chair and were lying on my floor, I think that is when K came into my room, you kept saying how everything hurt then you stopped being able to breathe regularly, I think at about this point you almost went into a fit, you started shaking violently and kicking out with your arms and legs, I pinned down your top half and K held your legs because you kept hitting things such as my bed and the door. You kept saying about how easily it would be to kill yourself and how you weren't worth it, me and K kept convincing you that you were worth it and we weren't leaving you. You'd sort of stop fitting for a while and we'd think you were coming around then you'd sort of go back into it, you weren't screaming as such but it was as though you were in a lot of pain and you kept clutching yourself (usually around your stomach etc) errmm You then started saying how you wanted to hurt yourself, how you needed to and asking for scissors or to just be left alone for a bit, I think at this point you tried to leave my room and were clinging to the door frame but we wouldn't let you, I think at one point we had to drag you back in the room and lock the door. In between these fits you'd just lie on the ground and sometimes I think you stopped breathing for a while so I was trying to keep you talking and kept lying next to you on the floor, you kept talking about how you couldn't do it any more and how you weren't worth it. Towards the end this happened more that you were just lying on the floor an it seemed as though you heard what me and K were saying more, I noticed that you kept biting on your knuckle, I'm not sure if it was to stop yourself from crying or to make it hurt, so I stopped you and held your hands. Right at the very end I was lying next to you and again you were saying you couldn't go on and I should leave you, at which point I explained why I couldn't leave you and in so many words, how my existence is to help with things like this. It was the sort of thing I've not really said before, K heard it as well and at that point he left the room because he didn't want to hear any more that was meant for only you to hear. After a few minutes after that you propped yourself up against the wall, you stopped breathing for what felt like minutes, then your eyes cleared and that's when I think you woke up out of it and asked whose shirt you were wearing etc"
I think what I take from this is that the pair of them are absolute saints and I'd be lost without them. I also need serious help.
I've been having a lot of nightmares about being attacked as of late, and don't eat much. I can feel my family losing patience with me and having read this... it hurts me that they don't even know how bad I can get and I'm already too much for them.
I had another breakdown just before we came away out here. The man I love that rejected me, took me home the day we both moved out of uni. I cried all the way home and we talked outside my house for ages in his car. It got really deep. I said I don't think I can go inside, it's too hard I'm not ready and started to panic. He said "if you are really struggling, you need to tell me." without missing a beat I said "I'm really struggling." He was there for me for a moment while I talked a bit, then he went silent and dead and couldn't look at me. I really worried. In the end it came out that he felt that it was too much pressure, that he felt responsible for my life and he couldn't love someone who would put him in that position. I begged him to listen, and told him over and over that that wasn't the case, I'd be with my family, I'd be fine, I don't have the means to kill myself at the moment, and I've not done any prep I'd have to do and that either way my life wasn't in his hands. He didn't listen. He freaked out and cried a lot, and kept saying how could I do this to him, and that he wanted to go home. I said I couldn't let him drive in that state, it wasn't safe. I told him over and over but it was like he couldn't hear me. He just kept getting more and more upset and more and more angry. I asked if he wanted me to call his mum to come pick him up. He ignored me. I reached for his phone and he grabbed my hand and yelled. I was scared so I got my phone to call my mum for help, we were just outside the house but I couldn't risk him driving off, I only prayed she'd be awake but he grabbed my phone and screamed at me. Then he started pushing me and yelling "get out of my car! how could you do this to me?! Get out of my fucking car" throwing my bags at me and trying to push me out the passenger door. He tried to set off several times with me hanging out the door. I was losing my mind with worry. I begged him not to drive, I was crying my eyes out and he just kept shoving. I was worried I'd get hurt so I said "okay, okay I'm getting out, please just stop" and I stumbled back with all my bags in my arms and he drove off down the street.
I ran inside, dropped all my bags, threw myself upstairs and into my mum's bedroom losing my mind. Crying about how I didn't know what to do, he's just driven off and he's not safe, I'm worried he'll crash, who do we call? what do we do? I need help! and she calmed me down and talked to me for hours. I told her everything.
I even told her he'd threatened to hit me twice before and hurt me, but I never spoke up because we thought it was a side effect of his antidepressants and I wanted her to like him because I thought we'd end up together. She hates him now. Thinks he's used me and that whole kick off was just to get me out of the car. Said I had to move on.
She let me sleep in her bed and we listened to meditation tapes all night. She asked me to turn my phone and internet off for a while and I listened. Making sure I informed my friend I'm worried about that I wasn't able to be reached as normal and to call the home phone if he needed me. I sent the man I love a text asking to let me know he was home safe because I was worried and I never heard back. I was a mess for a few days. Then I noticed him log in on steam (games engine) and I knew he was alive. I sent a facebook message saying I was glad he was home safe and to let me know if he wanted to talk. For ages I thought he'd never speak to me again.
I'm so upset and angry and hurt by the whole thing involving him. He was one of my best friends. I made him promise to only tell me he loved me if he meant it, to only take steps with me if he thought we had a shot... Now this.
Eventually he's spoken to me, but it's been stilted and distant, but no mention of what happened until tonight. I told him I missed him. He said he missed me too. I said I'd been worried he'd never want to speak to me again. This is what was said next:Him: Well, I wanted to speak to you again but I still feel uncomfortable.Me: Can I make it better?
Him: I don't know, I don't like the position I was put in.
Me: I'm not putting you in any position. I promise you, my life is not in your hands.
Him: That's how you made it sound, I'm not comfortable with that and I don't think I can handle that again.
Me: You won't have to. And I apologise for how it sounded, but like I tried to tell you that night, that's not what I was saying.
Him: Ok
Me: I hope you believe me.
Him: I don't know
Since then the subject has changed and nothing else has been said about it.
I think I'm done. -5% to learning a healthy sex life and feeling better about myself because who am I bloody kidding.
I hate myself right now. So I've died my hair. I thought it'd help. It hasn't.
I wish I was happy and I didn't feel so used and cast aside. I don't think I'll ever be able to be who I wanted to be, and my trust is locked in a box now. I hope.
The breakdowns are ridiculous, my daily shakes, my jumpiness, my pain, my everything is eating me up and I feel like no-one around me can handle it but I'm expected to. It's too goddamn hard, but I don't know where to run if I'm not allowed to die.
No therapy for a few more weeks... We're about to tackle the big shit when I go back. The rapes I endured. Losing my mind. I often get my words mixed up when I speak now. I'm a joke of a human.
This is far too long for anyone to read but I had to let it out. I did a post in the forum about my nightmares. People have been nice. Going to try and sleep... I wonder if I'll get attacked again in my dreams tonight...? Fingers crossed I'm safe here with my sister sleeping beside me.
I love everyone. Goodnight.Will respond to everything people have sent me tomorrow as this has damn near killed me.
xxxx
Praying for everyone.
My life has gone completely haywire recently. I had a friend of 10 years come to stay for 2 nights on the 19th of June, and honestly she kept me going after the big breakdown I'd had a few nights before (mostly in secret) and got me through some of the verbal barrage I was receiving online off an ex-friend. Having her there also helped me to eat because I cared too much about whether she was hungry and if she needed to eat, I'd have to have something too. We drank an awful lot. I don't think there was a night that week I was sober.
Then it was my Graduation Ball. I was extremely nervous and felt as if I'd be sick. I felt very on my own when I was setting off - But I was determined to look stunning to the last detail, even if my corset and long skirt (together they looked like a dress) cost in the region of £20 all-together.
The night was wonderful and a great distraction from the heartbreak and starvation I'd been feeling, and despite the extreme price, there was no food. There was a cafe, but when I went for food she said it had just closed so instead I bought a bottle of wine for myself... having been drunk from the nights before and kept drinking through the event prior to the wine as it was.
That week, the man I was in love with, and have been waiting around for for 8 months whilst he 'sorts things out' with consistent indication that he was going to break up with his girlfriend for cheating on him while he was out of the country and constant reassurance that he loves me deeply instead and had wanted me since we met 3 years ago, told me he was going to give things with her another go. About a week before we leave Uni. The one thing I said from day one I was scared of. I can quote myself saying "I just don't want to still be doing this 7 months down the line only to have you turn around and say you're actually choosing her after being with me this whole time. If I don't have a shot, I'd rather know now." but apparently it "wasn't that simple." At this point I'd like to point out that I have done everything for him this year. I even stayed up all night with him whilst he did his dissertation and ended up writing out his extensive reference list for him because he was working literally to the last minute of his (already extended) deadline. I went to his doctors appointments with him. He tried to kill himself and I stayed up with him all night... I've tried to give him EVERYTHING he needs and she couldn't even give him loyalty... and yet here I am. I'd do it all again I think... because I'm a fool and I love him and I wanted him to be happy and for our time together I think he was, even if my heart was breaking every time she texted him or he had to leave the room to answer her calls, or leave me all together to go and see her...
Don't get me wrong. I know I've done a terrible thing, and I feel awful for that. But when it started, he did a very good job of making me feel like he'd picked me already, and I was convinced they'd be over by the end of the week... then the next week... then the week after... then surely by Christmas (when he did try but it didn't stick)... then after his dissertation was in... then after his exams were over... I'm clearly no less naive than the 11 year old girl I used to be.
I think he knew all along. I think once again... I may have just been used for sex... and other stuff. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even feel guilty. I asked him if he'll be able to go back to normal with her knowing he's been sleeping with me all this time and he said he thinks he can.
I broke down that night. I'd cut myself once already that week because I'd felt it coming. I was being sick, I was crying, I got drunk, he was hiding my sharp objects... He did however, try to leave. He said I was just making him feel bad and he didn't have to take that shit. I apologised, said I was just hurting, that I loved him, that this is what I've been scared of the whole time. Eventually he stayed. For 2 days... I barely ate or left my bed. He didn't try hard to make me. He just got a bit frustrated about it. When I did leave my bed I could hardly walk. But we had sex again. Twice. He'd said that he wanted to give her a real try to see how he felt about her now, that it wasn't a no forever, but a no for at the moment whilst he got his head together and that meant no sex, but he still wanted to talk and would always be there for me. He said any other affection would be my choice, whether we could still kiss, cuddle, hold hands etc. He said he still wanted to see me and hang out, just no sex. Then why did we have sex? I asked him over and over - Are you sure this is what you want? Are you okay with this? Is this really alright? He said yes every time, and kept on telling me he loves me. I thought maybe he'd changed his mind and was going to tell me so afterwards, but the words never came and I felt awful. I had to stop both times because it was hurting me so much to have him inside me. My vaginismus may have just been particularly bad because of how I was feeling, and all the stress, I don't know but it was agonizing. I tried to keep going through the pain but eventually it was just to painful. I apologised so much, told him I felt I'd let him down. After that he got on a bus, I saw him off, I cried.
The next morning my mum came and took me to therapy and I didn't mention it to her. She commented on how thin I was getting. Everyone does at the moment. I don't feel thin, I just feel weak, but the hunger is a good distraction from what I'm feeling. I talked about it all briefly in therapy, but I wanted to achieve something so I worked through another memory with her (the time my drug dealing ex-boyfriend pressured me into sex, my suicidal thoughts at the time, and my incidents with weed fueled by him, not to mention the way we broke up) After that we picked up my friend and she came to stay. Lots of stuff went on but mostly we drank got dressed up and went out and I ran the pool competition my team was in Friday-Saturday and tried to deal with the problems I've been having with my ex friend. My friend kept me going those days. I love her dearly.
But as I said, then she left for home and it was time to face Grad Ball. I never made it home that night. I'd booked a seat on the coach there and back, but I only got the coach there. I woke up the next morning in agony wearing clothes that weren't mine, in one of my best friends beds with her beside me (M). All my things were in a neat pile by the wardrobe and there was a glass of water next to me. There were bite marks in my fingers and I was bruised. I stayed there most of the day, not able to move much and she insisted on feeding me so I had some bread and butter. It tasted amazing. She's an angel and I've loved her since we met.V This is complicated. V
Before Grad Ball, I'd been asked on a date by a friend (N). I'd told him I was sorry and he was lovely but I wasn't in a position where I felt I could date at the moment and I hope that's okay, and he said it was fine but could we still go for drinks as friends before graduating and I said yes. At the ball I desperately tried to reconnect with another male friend (J) who I'd cut off for quite a while, said I needed time on my own and I wasn't really up to speaking to or seeing anyone and I felt awful for it. He felt like it may have been personal, and he's a great guy and I want him in my life so we spent a lot of time together at the Ball as well as with M, and her flatmates who I'm also friends with. Another male friend (S) has been getting quite close lately, and everyone said he seems into me, but as I said to N, I'm not in a place where I can be dating so I've tried to ignore it. S was getting a little uncomfortable with how much me and J were talking, and we're close for people who've not known each other all that long because of certain circumstances, so there was a lot of hugging and stuff. We've missed each other while I've been off being mental. As soon as J left, S had a breakdown, just as N came to talk to me about when we're going for drinks. I had to ask N to wait while I tended to S who informed me he'd stopped taking his Sertraline. I've had Sertraline and hated it, so I reassured him I knew how awful it was, but he really needed to go to the doctors asap and tell them he wants out so that they can ween him off it gradually because his body will struggle with shock and withdrawal and that's probably worse than how he feels just taking them anyway. I looked after him for ages. Then it got really intense.
He said he was scared, he wanted to make people happy and was scared he couldn't. This is something I can relate to, so I comforted him for a long time. Then he looks me dead in the eyes and says "there's really one person I want to make happy." I asked him if he was ok. He was gripping my arms with both hands. He said "look into my eyes and you'll know" and I did. I kept on looking, and spieling off all kinds of stuff about how he was feeling like I knew it to be true. He kept nodding and saying "yes, look deeper." eventually I said "Do you think you love someone S?" He said yes.
I nearly fainted on the spot. It was all to much. Through all of this poor N had been stood watching, waiting for me to be done so we could talk, and here was S gripping me and locking eyes. I know a bit about S's past and I knew that if I passed out right there it could destroy his confidence forever. I went into autopilot. I let responsibility take over and I gave him a tonne of advice and said that if he needed to talk he could message me. M was there too, saying everyone was leaving the Ball and the coach was outside. I did some quick maths. I assessed my feelings and I knew I'd never make it home on a coach with S and N sat around me. I was losing my mind inside. So I kept calm outside, apologised to N and said he was free to message me any time, kept telling S to please take my advice about the meds and that I hoped he was ok and to let me know if he needed anything. I walked with them to the coach. I whispered to M "is there a free seat in the taxi back to yours?" (her flat had arranged alternate transport. She said yes, and it was £10 and just one seat. I asked if I could have it and she looked thrilled. As soon as we all got to the coach I shouted goodbyes to N and S and they were like, "aren't you getting on too?" and I was like "sorry, no, see you later"
My memories after that are scattered. Being helped over to the taxi by M. Being in the taxi and feeling a hand on my face. Her flatmate K (wonderful boy) saying he could carry me, and I protested. I remember being in his arms and begging him to leave me in the road. I remember gripping a doorframe and being pulled back. I remember crying. I remember asking for a pair of scissors. After speaking to M, I now remember a lot more.
I've told her before that often when I breakdown, people don't tell me what I'm like because "they don't want to upset me" and how much that scares me. So she promised when I said I was ready, she'd tell me the whole truth, everything she remembered if I wanted. Tonight I said I was ready. This is what she said with amendments for clarification and anonymity:"Okay well I guess it started when I was pulling you away from the guy (S), not sure how much you remember so I'll start from there and go until you came around. You stopped being able to walk as we left ******** so I was pulling you along by your waist and got you into the taxi, when we were in there you started whimpering and crying, so I pulled you so you were leaning with your head on my neck, you started to go limp and said you couldn't feel your arms or legs, in the taxi you stopped being able to speak and it was as though your body was starting to shut down, I kept trying to get you to talk and kept checking you were breathing but you just stayed there not moving and were limp. When we got back to our house (About 45 minutes later) You were able to stand but K didn't want you to cross the road in that state so he picked you up and carried you into the house, at which point you were crying quite a lot and asking to be put down, he was going to take you into the lounge but instead I made him put you down and I took you up the stairs into my room because Id figured that you wouldn't want the others to see you in that state. As I was carrying you up the stairs you kept saying that everything hurt, at first I thought it was your corset so I got you into my room and put you on a chair, thats when I got that baggy shirt out of my wardrobe and took off your corset (don't worry I didn't see anything), then I was just trying to make you comfortable so I took out your hair extensions and I think it was around then that the break down sort of started. You slipped off the chair and were lying on my floor, I think that is when K came into my room, you kept saying how everything hurt then you stopped being able to breathe regularly, I think at about this point you almost went into a fit, you started shaking violently and kicking out with your arms and legs, I pinned down your top half and K held your legs because you kept hitting things such as my bed and the door. You kept saying about how easily it would be to kill yourself and how you weren't worth it, me and K kept convincing you that you were worth it and we weren't leaving you. You'd sort of stop fitting for a while and we'd think you were coming around then you'd sort of go back into it, you weren't screaming as such but it was as though you were in a lot of pain and you kept clutching yourself (usually around your stomach etc) errmm You then started saying how you wanted to hurt yourself, how you needed to and asking for scissors or to just be left alone for a bit, I think at this point you tried to leave my room and were clinging to the door frame but we wouldn't let you, I think at one point we had to drag you back in the room and lock the door. In between these fits you'd just lie on the ground and sometimes I think you stopped breathing for a while so I was trying to keep you talking and kept lying next to you on the floor, you kept talking about how you couldn't do it any more and how you weren't worth it. Towards the end this happened more that you were just lying on the floor an it seemed as though you heard what me and K were saying more, I noticed that you kept biting on your knuckle, I'm not sure if it was to stop yourself from crying or to make it hurt, so I stopped you and held your hands. Right at the very end I was lying next to you and again you were saying you couldn't go on and I should leave you, at which point I explained why I couldn't leave you and in so many words, how my existence is to help with things like this. It was the sort of thing I've not really said before, K heard it as well and at that point he left the room because he didn't want to hear any more that was meant for only you to hear. After a few minutes after that you propped yourself up against the wall, you stopped breathing for what felt like minutes, then your eyes cleared and that's when I think you woke up out of it and asked whose shirt you were wearing etc"
I think what I take from this is that the pair of them are absolute saints and I'd be lost without them. I also need serious help.
I've been having a lot of nightmares about being attacked as of late, and don't eat much. I can feel my family losing patience with me and having read this... it hurts me that they don't even know how bad I can get and I'm already too much for them.
I had another breakdown just before we came away out here. The man I love that rejected me, took me home the day we both moved out of uni. I cried all the way home and we talked outside my house for ages in his car. It got really deep. I said I don't think I can go inside, it's too hard I'm not ready and started to panic. He said "if you are really struggling, you need to tell me." without missing a beat I said "I'm really struggling." He was there for me for a moment while I talked a bit, then he went silent and dead and couldn't look at me. I really worried. In the end it came out that he felt that it was too much pressure, that he felt responsible for my life and he couldn't love someone who would put him in that position. I begged him to listen, and told him over and over that that wasn't the case, I'd be with my family, I'd be fine, I don't have the means to kill myself at the moment, and I've not done any prep I'd have to do and that either way my life wasn't in his hands. He didn't listen. He freaked out and cried a lot, and kept saying how could I do this to him, and that he wanted to go home. I said I couldn't let him drive in that state, it wasn't safe. I told him over and over but it was like he couldn't hear me. He just kept getting more and more upset and more and more angry. I asked if he wanted me to call his mum to come pick him up. He ignored me. I reached for his phone and he grabbed my hand and yelled. I was scared so I got my phone to call my mum for help, we were just outside the house but I couldn't risk him driving off, I only prayed she'd be awake but he grabbed my phone and screamed at me. Then he started pushing me and yelling "get out of my car! how could you do this to me?! Get out of my fucking car" throwing my bags at me and trying to push me out the passenger door. He tried to set off several times with me hanging out the door. I was losing my mind with worry. I begged him not to drive, I was crying my eyes out and he just kept shoving. I was worried I'd get hurt so I said "okay, okay I'm getting out, please just stop" and I stumbled back with all my bags in my arms and he drove off down the street.
I ran inside, dropped all my bags, threw myself upstairs and into my mum's bedroom losing my mind. Crying about how I didn't know what to do, he's just driven off and he's not safe, I'm worried he'll crash, who do we call? what do we do? I need help! and she calmed me down and talked to me for hours. I told her everything.
I even told her he'd threatened to hit me twice before and hurt me, but I never spoke up because we thought it was a side effect of his antidepressants and I wanted her to like him because I thought we'd end up together. She hates him now. Thinks he's used me and that whole kick off was just to get me out of the car. Said I had to move on.
She let me sleep in her bed and we listened to meditation tapes all night. She asked me to turn my phone and internet off for a while and I listened. Making sure I informed my friend I'm worried about that I wasn't able to be reached as normal and to call the home phone if he needed me. I sent the man I love a text asking to let me know he was home safe because I was worried and I never heard back. I was a mess for a few days. Then I noticed him log in on steam (games engine) and I knew he was alive. I sent a facebook message saying I was glad he was home safe and to let me know if he wanted to talk. For ages I thought he'd never speak to me again.
I'm so upset and angry and hurt by the whole thing involving him. He was one of my best friends. I made him promise to only tell me he loved me if he meant it, to only take steps with me if he thought we had a shot... Now this.
Eventually he's spoken to me, but it's been stilted and distant, but no mention of what happened until tonight. I told him I missed him. He said he missed me too. I said I'd been worried he'd never want to speak to me again. This is what was said next:Him: Well, I wanted to speak to you again but I still feel uncomfortable.Me: Can I make it better?
Him: I don't know, I don't like the position I was put in.
Me: I'm not putting you in any position. I promise you, my life is not in your hands.
Him: That's how you made it sound, I'm not comfortable with that and I don't think I can handle that again.
Me: You won't have to. And I apologise for how it sounded, but like I tried to tell you that night, that's not what I was saying.
Him: Ok
Me: I hope you believe me.
Him: I don't know
Since then the subject has changed and nothing else has been said about it.
I think I'm done. -5% to learning a healthy sex life and feeling better about myself because who am I bloody kidding.
I hate myself right now. So I've died my hair. I thought it'd help. It hasn't.
I wish I was happy and I didn't feel so used and cast aside. I don't think I'll ever be able to be who I wanted to be, and my trust is locked in a box now. I hope.
The breakdowns are ridiculous, my daily shakes, my jumpiness, my pain, my everything is eating me up and I feel like no-one around me can handle it but I'm expected to. It's too goddamn hard, but I don't know where to run if I'm not allowed to die.
No therapy for a few more weeks... We're about to tackle the big shit when I go back. The rapes I endured. Losing my mind. I often get my words mixed up when I speak now. I'm a joke of a human.
This is far too long for anyone to read but I had to let it out. I did a post in the forum about my nightmares. People have been nice. Going to try and sleep... I wonder if I'll get attacked again in my dreams tonight...? Fingers crossed I'm safe here with my sister sleeping beside me.
I love everyone. Goodnight.Will respond to everything people have sent me tomorrow as this has damn near killed me.
xxxx
Praying for everyone.
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