Breakdown

It was all my fault. I never told him stop. I moved against him. I would turn away or drag a blanket across myself after it had gone on for a long time already. I kept giving him backrubs years after it first started and while it was still happening. Then he would give me some. 

I get uncomfortable when older men get near me. I'm nervous in social groups. I am always reading a book. I have a dirty mind. I'm fat, or at least I think so. I shake a lot when I talk to guys, friends or not. If people talk about abuse or any of that stuff I think about IT. The two time I have been asked out I ended up never going. I told them that I wasn't ready or that there was stuff going on and I couldn't. I liked both of them.

I am super shy and quiet and can't shut up when I start talking to someone. I can't keep a conversation going. I'm f*cking crying right now. I actually have a friend, she is in 8th grade, but will be in 9th next year. She is more my sister's friend. She had bad things happen to her. I believe she said it was her father. She went on trial against him. I don't know how she did it. She is so strong. An 18-year-old is in awe and thinks a 14-year-old is amazing and a role model. 

I don't know why I am saying all this. I’m balling. I hate it all. I hate that I am not stronger. I hate that I feel like it's my fault.

I don't want to be a slut. I don't want to have mental problems. But I have sent nudes to a couple guys online and I don't know why. I hate it. I have started crying and having small break downs a lot this year. It is all really hitting me. I still live at home and have nowhere else to go. I am too scared to do anything with my life. I can't even go ask for an application to get a job. I don't want to get in a relationship and freak on the guy or girl or who the f*ck ever.

I am a mess. My two friends know what happened. But they don't understand and it is hard for them to believe or take in I think. They say I can vent to them, but I feel like this is too much. They have their own problems. I can't even give my grandpa or give a guy (family member or a friend’s family member who aren't trying to harm me) hug without internally freaking out or getting uncomfortable. 

shit shit shit I am sorry for this total freak out blurb. I feel like I always need to say sorry.