Break out of the viscious circle

When can I let go of the past.  The way I was treated was the basis for my lonely life that I have now.  The few friends that I have had just go on their merry way; I don't know why either.  Possibly because of me having hydrocephalus.  I have heard from family members that it is an excuse.  Do they have what I have?  My god, I am not going to hurt anybody because I have this.  I did not even ask for it either, but I am stuck with it.  me and my fat head.  When I was younger I had friends...not a lot but I don't have shit now.  Yet when I have a talk with anyone I carry on a conversation no problems.  I beat the living shit out of myself emotionally.  I am sad because of the bottled up emotions.  I have listened to meditations where the theme was to LET GO.  It appears I have let go temporarily and then the stuff comes right back.  Time for a break now as I have written a lot and need an emotional rest.  I have gotten more out of me in this entry than I have in ANY trip to the doctor.  GOOD WORK to me on that.