brads death one year later may 22nd 2010

On May 22nd,2010 brad was dead for one year.ANd what a year it was! It was one of
trying to keep the house together and I almost lost my cats.Kramer was Brads favorite cat and Kramer was looking for Brad for almost one month.She would wait by the door.Tooey is like a baby and she is my favorite cat and when I found Brad...she was howling.I mean howling.That little cat was frightened and it was a sight to see his naked body on the ground.Brads final exist was very very bloody.He slit his wrists.He left no note and he left me very little money and I had to learn to survive on my basic instincts.The money that he left me lasted me for 3 months and the money his family gave me from the sale of the mototcycle lasted me for 7 months.I lasted and i also starved.There were times I didnt eat for days.My cats have been there for me.They are sleeping on my bed as of now.They have been little stinkys and I love them so.I also found out who my friends really were.You see they have abandoned me.I think it is because Brad committed suicide and that is a big taboo.Why is it my fault? Dont blame me! I didnt know that Brad was depressed.We were living as roommates anyway and we stopped having normal relations 10 years ago.When Brad turned 40....his alcohol problem began again and it kept me on my toes.I loved Ballard.So did Brad.But Ballard was changing and he failed to see this.When a neighborhood changes and you are not part of it...I mean why bother to even live there? Brad never went to the bookstores.Brad never went to the concerts or any of the places that I would go.He hated crowds.In Ballard..i came alive.I began to sing again.I did karoke almost 2 weeks and on sunday we would do our food shopping.Brad loved the Ballard Fred Meyer.So did I but things change.Brad never liked change and this is bad.Things began to happen.i  lost my hearing in my right ear and I couldnt for the life of me get decent hearing aids.This is the reason why we stoped talking.I couldnt hear him half of the time.The hearing aids that i got were a piece of junk and noone wanted to help me get new ones.so I stopped wearing my hearing aids and I do pretty well because I watch close caption and I dont go to concerts like i used and I dont go to plays because of this problem.The last show I saw was Rent and believe me....i was disappointed.I didnt like the show.And I didnt like the music.Music Man it wasnt.It wasnt any good.But i saw a show because before he died Brad brought me a ticket.I miss Brad and i miss our fights.But i dont have anyone to talk to as of now.My social worker is very good..but this doctor sucks and so does the other one they are not helping me. I am trying to get a job in seattle and dont believe that there are jobs here.The job situation here is poor.The only place that is doing is Microsoft and Boeing.And you have to be the cream of the crop to get in there.You have to be very,very good.And even after all of my years of working I am not that good.I have to admit this.I have tried.I have tried and i have lost the fight.I couldnt see the fact that Brad was dying right before my eyes.I couldnt see the fact.i Couldnt see the fact that he was just so unhappy..and if he was that unhappy...he could have left me and i would have gotten a roommate which I am in then process of. I find that most people dont know what to say to me.So they say nothing.Why? Cant these idiots at least send me a card with 25.00 in itn? That would cheer me up! I need bread and i need money as of now.I have to have a yard sale to get rid of some of the stuff.I cant keep it anymore.I am selling the vcr and all of the exercise tapes.I am getting rid of Jane Fonda cassettes and all of my walking tapes.I have to in order to survive and I am so worried what will happen to me if I cant pay the rent the rest of the year? DOes anyone know? Should I tell the landlord to lower my rent? The lawyer told me it was a bad idea.But i cant afford the 1100 a month on this house.ANd this is my drama.I cant move.I dont have the money.I dont have the money for another deposit and I dont have the money for the movers.I dont have the money for my pet deposit and I just dont have money at all.WHen I told the lawyer..he told me this "Cheer up.This could be worse." He told me that 7 of his clients are on the verge of foreclosure but at least I am making an effort to pay some of the rent.He told me to pay what I can and then he will help me.What woudl you do? What can I do now? I just can relocate back to New York and now in seattle if you are renting...they dont want social security.They want a source of income and a job....I have ssdi and no job.I still cant afford the rent.ANd right now I am sitting here and i am crying..why did Brad do this to me? m