brads death 19 months later and reflections

On the 22nd of December it was 19 months that I found my Brad.It was a very gruesome sight and I will never forget it.These 19 months have been one of growth for me and i realize that I must go on.But here is one thing that I will admit..I will always and i mean always love Brad.Bradley Joseph was the love of my life and he knew it.He was clean and sober for five years and they were the best years of my life.He taught me to to many things and I am glad that he did.Brad taught me all about the computer and he brought me one.Brad also encouraged me about my music and i did open mic and karaoke for years.I learned that I am good and there are some people who are better then me.I will never be a CEO and I will never have a talk show.I will never write that novel because I dont have the time.I am 63 years old now and I love it.I love the prospect of turning 65 and being a senior.These years are the happiest of my life and i have learned to live all because of Brad.And I am beating mental illness all because of him and I realize this.Everyone needs friends.But in this strange game of life.Friends can disappear.Some people move.And when people move today they dont keep in touch.And this is what bothers me...why? Please dont tell me that they are busy...whats the price of a letter or a stamp? I no longer bother with certain people because you can outgrow friends.The friends that i know are busy travelling and I cant afford it.There are so many places that I dont want to see.And when I told her I dont want to go to Europe..she freaked.I am sorry there are sights in this country that I want to see.I want to see the Grand Canyon.I want to see Alcatraz.I want to see The Alamo.I want to see and visit Hannibal,Missouri and see the home of Mark Twain.But the places i want to see she doesnt want to see.I want to see The Mall of America and I want to see Mount Rushmore and The Football Hall of Fame.But the person who I want to see is President Lincolns Log Cabin in Springfield,Illinois.These are all out of the way and I cant find anyone to go with.seattle is getting King Tut and I intend to buy tickets.And these are some of the things.Brad always wanted me to grow and develop my own interests and I think in death he is acheviing this.And the high school reunion of 45 years doesnt mean much to me.All I can is this.Going to school in 1962 to 1966 was a big trauma.But I had my music and my music lessons.It was a trauma for me and my parents knew it and I was treated bad.But I realize it was the time and i was different.I kliked to do artistic things and i still do.I am saving to go see my brother and i want to make it Thanksgiving of next year for this is the last year that I will work for the Salvation Army.I had 8 years in and i loved it.But it time for me move on and i have to work steady now .I cant work 3 weeks out of the year.Friends come.Friends go.But mine have been outgrown and I dont buy anything i cant afford.It would be nice to see The Football Hall of Fame and see the uniform of Jim Thorpe.But if you cant do.and i cant...I wont complain as i find things to do here in seattle.Brad is with me and he will always be part of me and i have forgiven him and i have forgiven his affairs and his drug use.You see,my Brad was a addict and there is no cure for this addiction.Rehabs do help..But Brad went to 12 and he was losing it and he knew it.To all...Brad was the love of my life and noone will replace.I refuse to date.Overnight visitors here are forbidden.All I have is my cat and she keeps me good company.I also have a radio whic someone brought for me and i listen to the oldies all of time.I will sing and act again.When I dont know all I know is that Brad wont be here to share in this with me.And I am hurt that he wont be.Rest in peace...Bubba I love you.vader.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Good for you honey!! HUGS!!!!!!!!!
PJsmom
PJsmom

Keep up the good work, and hang in there. Love and hugs to you.
Bev