Brad was having an affair and planning on leaving

On May 22,2009 I awoke from my two hour sleep to find the nude body of my boyfriend on the grass in our back yard.He killed himself and i held him in my arms.He died in my arms,just like my sainted father did in 1987.I could hear the rattle.The cats were hysterical and it was a horrible scene.I spent the whole day crying and asking why? We werent getting along at all.Our relationship towards the end was terrible.He was very moody and screaming at me every little thing.Brad Had A border line Personality and some of these people have been disagnosed with Manic Depression.Brad wasnt Manic....He had borderline Personality and wasnt getting treated.He wasnt on any medication.Noone knows the roller coaster ride i had with him.His moods flucanted from happy to sheer anger.He would blame others for his drinking.But he was mad at me because in the 1970s he fathered a child when he was in college and he never seen the child.He didnt know if it was a boy or girl.He was suppose to marry this person but she changed her mind.The parents broke it up.She never saw Brad again.She stayed pregnant and after the baby was born,she did notify Brad...but she put the baby up for adoption.She never spoke to him again.He was banned from her life.In his final days,he wanted to hire a pi and find this child.And when i heard this....we had a fight.Number one...she probably is married to someone else.She probably doesnt remember him.And he doesnt have the right to enter a persons life after 35 years and disrupt.I am finding this amount the seniors.Why are they so concerned about their first love? In fact,in glamour magazine....there was a story and finding...does anyone know that noone marries their first love? I didnt because he was a disaster when I knew him and he probably still is a diseaster.I couldnt spend the rest of my life fighting.I am not going to fight about religiion,music,or cats again.I am not a practicing Catholic but i still believe in the old dogma of the old Catholic Church.I hope that he doesnt contact me.If he sees me at the reunion..i will be nice to him..but the flame is gone and it can never be relived.No matter how bad it gets for me...i refuse...I 100% refuse to relocate or leave Seattle no matter who the person it.It took me 10 years to get the medication and treatment for what I have and I cant rearrange my life because noone likes rain.I love the rain.I hate the cold.Spring in seattle is beautiful.I am looking for daylight savings time.i am looking for the festivals and our wonderful music and although I miss New York,seattle is the city that I love and will probably die in.Brad wanted to leave again.He moved every two years and I said enough.WHoever she is...i wish her well,but my relationship is over and it has hurt me.I never want to be that much in love with another person again and i never will.Brad didnt want to leave me because I pay all of the bills in the house and he would wind up homeless and broke.So that is the story and people must sense my pain.But my heart broke on 5/22/2009 because Brad just gave up on life and i am cleaning up all of his messes.And if anyone is thinking suicide...read this.Because the pain that us survivors have lasts a lifetime.dont do it.