Boy, is my life getting harder (triggering)

Jeremy, the boy I loved, have loved half my life, will probably love for the rest. He got in touch with me the day after Christmas (after like six months) and informed me that his daughter was born. I'm really screwed up by all that. So, we talked on the phone for five hours. And during that time, shortly after his daughter was born, he's the closest to admitting that he should be with me. He tells me we never got together because he was stupid and scared. He admitted that he could spent every night holding me as we fell asleep and every morning eating breakfast with me. I'm not sure if this made things better or worse. Life changed so much in those five hours. I wanted to just crawl in a hole and die.. But at the same time, it was everything I've known for years. And everything that will never happen. Sometimes, I just wish I could get him out of my life, but he always shows back up. It's like we're meant to be, but the whole world keeps getting thrown between us. I pretty much told him I'd wait forever, which I know isn't healthy, but it's true. I feel really bad for this friend that I'm kind of stringing along in his wake. Like, I like the guy, but he won't ever be Jeremy.
I've lost like fifteen pounds in the last two months, through healthy and unhealthy means.. But I've lost. And then this Christmas week, I gained like six of that back. I'm so upset. I want to just starve all over again. But for some reason, my rationality is hanging in there. I'm remembering how withdrawn I was, how depressed I was. How I was throwing up because I hadn't eaten or how I was throwing up because I ate and felt so badly about myself. I'm remembering how my dad checked my back to see if I was growing lanugo. I remember my mom being so frustrated and crying. I remember measuring out every morsel of food I would put in my  mouth. That isn't living. But I want to be so tiny again. And my family commenting on "How great I look having lost the weight" is really fucking with my brain. I can never win.
I messaged my dad today. I told him that I'm worried about the thoughts I'm having and how badly I want to lose weight again. But like, I don't know what he can do to help. He's the one that pretty much caused it in the first place. And he's the one that figured me out when I was so sick. He's the only one that's bothered to look deeper and to care. He even did his research and confronted me on a level playing field. I don't know. I'm just a lost little girl, and I want my daddy. Maybe he can at least keep things in check? I don't know. I don't know anything.
It's like.. I'm in my room, so emotionally drained, and yet I can't bring myself to do anything. I need to go eat, but my stomach isn't gnawing at itself, so it's like I'm not allowed to eat. I hate all my rules. I hate my brain. I hate my body. I just know I can't be fat.