Boundaries vs. Bonds
Boundaries are a huge discussion for incest survivors. Being raised in a tribe of 11 siblings with zero boundaries surrounding the 3rd primal instinct of reproduction causes serious misunderstandings of how boundaries function within inter-personal relationships. Setting, evolving and respecting boundaries is a concept I have never had the luxury of being able to take for granted. Everything I know about boundaries was learned at a conscious level. To this day, fight or flight is 100% of my instinctive understanding of boundaries. I am either your doormat or I am gone. Instinctively. Just as I learned to over-ride the instinct to turn into a skid when I am driving, I have worked on overcoming the instinct to fight or flight at the first presentation of conflict. Instead of heading to another continent, I back off step by step until a peaceful boundary has been achieved.
My husband is the first human I have ever achieved this with. There are definitely places where the achievement has grown into the discussion of the difference between boundaries and walls. Ah life... There are no solutions so wise that they cannot be grown into problems. Love it or leave it.
The two walls we are currently banging our heads on are music and his parents. Both walls were built during the same period around a quarter century ago. I deliberately and forcefully constructed the music wall. I have since posted No trespassing signs and installed barbed wire coils across the top. Music was my first language when my speech defects barred me from human expression. It is how I communicated with the critters who populated the world of my feral refuge in childhood. It is my solace in times of isolation. I still do not know what my husband was trying to remake it in to, but he still has not comprehended its true meaning in my feral psyche. Keep your phallic jewels out of it, cowboy. I don't wanna be your Country Western song.
I credit the wall between his parents and I to his handiwork. During its early construction, my own psychotherapy was centered around transference. I was hugely guilty of transferring my family needs to his parents. As is the nature of transference, I was equally delusional in my interpretations and expectations. I backed off step by step until the peaceful boundary had been achieved. That was not until I had excused myself from any and all unfiltered relations. At present, I do not even attend holiday functions.
My husband is a gifted songwriter and storyteller. I do not even like the industrial bulldozer he becomes when he is not feeding his inner poet.
His parents are very old and in need of assistance. I am in a position of having both time and inclination to help them.
There is a pragmatic purpose in my meditation of these walls. Where do I place the demolition charges? Correction. Where do WE place the demolition charges. Effective demolition needs the collaboration of all affected parties.
My husband is the first human I have ever achieved this with. There are definitely places where the achievement has grown into the discussion of the difference between boundaries and walls. Ah life... There are no solutions so wise that they cannot be grown into problems. Love it or leave it.
The two walls we are currently banging our heads on are music and his parents. Both walls were built during the same period around a quarter century ago. I deliberately and forcefully constructed the music wall. I have since posted No trespassing signs and installed barbed wire coils across the top. Music was my first language when my speech defects barred me from human expression. It is how I communicated with the critters who populated the world of my feral refuge in childhood. It is my solace in times of isolation. I still do not know what my husband was trying to remake it in to, but he still has not comprehended its true meaning in my feral psyche. Keep your phallic jewels out of it, cowboy. I don't wanna be your Country Western song.
I credit the wall between his parents and I to his handiwork. During its early construction, my own psychotherapy was centered around transference. I was hugely guilty of transferring my family needs to his parents. As is the nature of transference, I was equally delusional in my interpretations and expectations. I backed off step by step until the peaceful boundary had been achieved. That was not until I had excused myself from any and all unfiltered relations. At present, I do not even attend holiday functions.
My husband is a gifted songwriter and storyteller. I do not even like the industrial bulldozer he becomes when he is not feeding his inner poet.
His parents are very old and in need of assistance. I am in a position of having both time and inclination to help them.
There is a pragmatic purpose in my meditation of these walls. Where do I place the demolition charges? Correction. Where do WE place the demolition charges. Effective demolition needs the collaboration of all affected parties.
Replies
Wow, very insightful. You sound very aware of the walls you need to deconstruct but not sure exactly how to do it. Is there any possibility to reaching out to your in-laws and finding a middle ground acceptable to all? Music is a great healer of the spirit but maybe somehow you can celebrate that medium together with your husband. I don\'t know. I came into my husband\'s life with so many walls. What I didn\'t know is that he came into the relationship with a bulldozer, intent on tearing them down. Love him! Good luck and great journal entry.