Boundaries.. for both of us would be a breath of fresh air.
"A boundary is like a tea strainer. It allows the fluidity between people but catches the "stuff" of transference which can become imposing." (author unknown)4 Step model for setting boundaries1. Calmly inform the other person by stating, "I feel uncomfortable and want to shut down when you yell at me."2. Request that they honor your boundary. "I ask that you talk to me without yelling." Or ..For me to listen and hear what you are saying to me, I need to you speak to me in a calm voice without yelling.3. Insist that they honor your boundary, again with a firm but kind voice, "I insist that when we are talking we talk in calm voices."4. Leave the situation. Now is not the time or place to continue communicating with someone who refuses to respect your boundaries. Leave the door open to talk later in a more respectful manner. Continue to maintain a calm but firm voice and say, "I will not continue this conversation in this way. I welcome an opportunity to talk with you without yelling or screaming at another time. Let me know if you decide to visit without raised voices."-From "Setting Boundaries in Relationships" By Judy H. WrightThe Steps Of Setting Boundaries1. Be prepared to observe and feel the feeling without reacting.This is the creation of the "gap" in order to not revert to previous reactions and previous wounds. Then you are capable of dealing with the issue in a mature and an empowered space in the present moment.2. Realize that no-one else is responsible for fixing your negative feelings.It's your job. This is an essential part of the steps that keeps you connected to your own power.3. Connect to who you are (principle-centered identity) and what your truth is on the matter.Be prepared to calmly and clearly state and walk this truth. BE COURAGEOUS! State your truth as an "I" statement, not a "You" statement. For example: "I feel uncomfortable about doing that, so the answer is no," rather than saying, "I can't believe you'd expect me to do that."4. Detach from being connected to an individual or group validating your feelings or "getting" where you are coming from.If you are reliant on another person for validating your feelings and understanding your point of view, your emotions and mental state will be dictated by this person. They don't need to "get" you. YOU need to "get" you.5. Detach from being connected to a particular outcome being created with that person or that situation.This is true identity assertion. It means you are aware that you have the power to create your truth (even if it takes time), regardless of what circumstances life throws at you. This is the philosophy of aligning with durable long-lasting results. This point grants you ultimate freedom, because you no longer give in to quick-fix solutions that don't stand the test of time.If certain situations and people aren't matching your truth, they will either adjust their behavior or depart from your reality. What you can be assured is that your life will fill with details, events and people that are the truth of you. Think about it...your life has always worked with this formula, whether you are conscious of it or not!You and you alone are the creator of your own reality. And this reality is created by your boundaries.
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One cause of too much distance comes from not talking about important matters. If intimacy means being known by the other, lack of intimacy comes from not being known. If partners aren\'t talking about problems, feelings, needs, and wants, they will feel less known and distance will grow between them.
intimacy comes about as partners grow in their knowledge and acceptance of each other.
Therefore, marriage is a process that challenges two people to develop individuality in the context of intimacy. Process is:
delicate.
difficult.
deliberate.
Distance violations occur when intimacy is less than what is appropriate to the relationship - when someone from whom one has a right to expect closeness in excessively removed or cut off. Therefore, if closeness if an appropriate part of a relationship and it does not occur, the relationship has too much distance. Too much distance is harmful.