Boundaries
I have been reading a lot around here about boundaries and how is important to established them, even with our children. Trisha, MarieBB and Cowgirl kathi are very good examples of this. Once again am trying...
A little update....my daughter end up going to the caribbean for his father's wedding-wedding was cancel but she did met his fiancee. The day before was a disaster, my daughter was rude and mean. She said: "You don't understand am more like him than you" which let me dumbfounded, and I replied:"Why does it matters anyways?" She told me to leave her alone.
After her arrival she was even worse. On wednesday, before thanksgiving, I leave a note because I wasn't sure if she was coming back Wednesday or Thursday, the last time I spoke with her she mention she would be back Thursday but she did not especified the time. Still I came home, leave her a note and changed her bedsheets, in the note I especified I wasn't sure when she was coming back, to please call me when she arrived so I could pick her up, since I was spending Thanksgiving in my friends house. She never called me. When I got home she was livid. She says very mean things to me. She cursed at me, several times. I ended up leaving the room and spending the night at my friends house. I just couldn't take it anymore.
Yesterday I called her to see how she was doing, and she was pleasant, and she even talk to my friend nicely, I invited her to come for a turkduckin dinner-is a hen inside a duck inside a turkey and yes it is delicious- but she refused to come. I told her I wish she would have come because there were other girls close to her age. But she said her back hurt and that she didn't wanted to go. So I gave her time.
Today I asked her if she was working -her answer:"Not that I know of and why do you care"-am about to cook dinner for her leave it in the stove and just leave. I am in the process of moving out and she thinks she will be better off with her dad. That is ok, but she does not have to be mean to me.
Deep inside of me I know she is not going to be ok with her dad. I also know he just spread more lies and hate about me everywhere he goes....I know he is a jerk....I just didnot know he is a bad dad. There is things about him that I have never told her to shield her from pain....
And so here I am cooking dinner for her, and then I will leave again, she has told me she wants me out....her father pays for the apt so she feels the apt is hers and not mine.
I am in a very nice relationship right now, with a human being who has showed me nothing but respect, joy and love...
But I hate how me and my daughter are right now....my ex told me: "She will never accept him....you are getting what you deserve....
A little update....my daughter end up going to the caribbean for his father's wedding-wedding was cancel but she did met his fiancee. The day before was a disaster, my daughter was rude and mean. She said: "You don't understand am more like him than you" which let me dumbfounded, and I replied:"Why does it matters anyways?" She told me to leave her alone.
After her arrival she was even worse. On wednesday, before thanksgiving, I leave a note because I wasn't sure if she was coming back Wednesday or Thursday, the last time I spoke with her she mention she would be back Thursday but she did not especified the time. Still I came home, leave her a note and changed her bedsheets, in the note I especified I wasn't sure when she was coming back, to please call me when she arrived so I could pick her up, since I was spending Thanksgiving in my friends house. She never called me. When I got home she was livid. She says very mean things to me. She cursed at me, several times. I ended up leaving the room and spending the night at my friends house. I just couldn't take it anymore.
Yesterday I called her to see how she was doing, and she was pleasant, and she even talk to my friend nicely, I invited her to come for a turkduckin dinner-is a hen inside a duck inside a turkey and yes it is delicious- but she refused to come. I told her I wish she would have come because there were other girls close to her age. But she said her back hurt and that she didn't wanted to go. So I gave her time.
Today I asked her if she was working -her answer:"Not that I know of and why do you care"-am about to cook dinner for her leave it in the stove and just leave. I am in the process of moving out and she thinks she will be better off with her dad. That is ok, but she does not have to be mean to me.
Deep inside of me I know she is not going to be ok with her dad. I also know he just spread more lies and hate about me everywhere he goes....I know he is a jerk....I just didnot know he is a bad dad. There is things about him that I have never told her to shield her from pain....
And so here I am cooking dinner for her, and then I will leave again, she has told me she wants me out....her father pays for the apt so she feels the apt is hers and not mine.
I am in a very nice relationship right now, with a human being who has showed me nothing but respect, joy and love...
But I hate how me and my daughter are right now....my ex told me: "She will never accept him....you are getting what you deserve....
Replies
And why are you cooking for someone who has been so rude to you? There are no consequences to her bad attitude.
You need to sit down with your daughter and let her know she is hurting you and that you are setting some boundaries. The first one would be no more cooking meals just for her. If she is rude to you she can cook her own food.
She has asked you to leave and you do have somewhere to go. That means she will be doing her own laundry, cooking her food and paying the rest of her bills. All on her own.
This is going to be difficult with her father running his mouth. All you can do is wait this out and hope for the best. She will eventually see what he is.
I have almost the same problem. I see my daughter once a year for the last three years. I accept that and I am making a life for myself. The best example you can give your daughter is to move forward and make a new life for you.
I
I\'m pretty much with Trisha, and I too, know the pain of being emotionally abused by MY daughter. Your daughter obviously doesn\'t give a rat\'s butt about anyone but herself, so I wouldn\'t waste any words trying to tell her how YOU are feeling.
It sounds to me like she and her father DESERVE EACH OTHER. Walk away from this madness! Take care of yourself for a change. And remember these words:
YOU GET WHAT YOU PUT UP WITH!
and
DOES IT HURT WHEN I DO THAT? Then DON\'T DO THAT!
Boundaries need to be set and boundaries DO NOT require any explanation. They are set for your own protection and there is NO NEGOTIATING.
Got it?
DO IT!
Thank you very much for your insights ladies....in hindsight it is true....why did I even cook the dinner.
At times I second guess myself..You get what you put up with! \"Does it hurts when you do that? Then Don\'t do it!\" \"There is no negotiating on boundaries\"....got it Kathi thank you!
\"The best example you can give your daughter is to move forward and make a new life for yourself\".....thanks trish! I think I will reread this before I go to sleep!
Thanks a million for your support and insights!!