bouncing bad

so...today has been a roller coaster. i've alternately been very productive and lethargic; happily content and inexplicably sad. i know about rapid cycling of moods, but this hurts. i'm in a downswing right at this moment and feel i'm going to cry, but twenty minutes ago i was laughing. i hate not having consistency of emotion and reaction. i'm so tired of trying to figure out if the emotional response i'm having at that moment is actually revelant or appropriate to what's going on around me. it's draining going from up to down and back again. and i'm so distracted. i started gathering my thoughts to outline that paper because no matter if she accepts it or not i've decided i will turn it in on thursday, i sat with my good intentions then got caught up in another project so i've spent the last couple of hours on that.  i just want to be able to focus on one thing for a sustained period of time, but my head's not cooperating right now. and every so often that insidious little voice that sounds a lot like my old t-doc and that stupid psychological survey report pipes in questioning whether i really do feel incapacitated or whether i'm making an excuse and convieniently deciding to blame my lack of motivation and productivity on my illness...could i be working right now? how is it i'm able to be journalling and claim to be too scattered to do my paper? why can i feel a sort of detached logic as i consider that question, but also feel that emotionally i'm teetering on the edge of some huge sobfest? can those two states of being that seem so completely opposite of each other exist so strongly in one person at the same time?