Booked Girl Trip/Still Angry With My Therapist

It’s Friday night and I’m just sitting here thinking how lonely I am and how mad I still am at my therapist.  I want to talk into the tape recorder but can’t.  I can’t use up our time just listening to it in our sessions.  I feel she is so inconsiderate and just doesn’t understand.  I want to work past this but I’m afraid I can’t.  I don’t know if I can.  I’m afraid I’ll act “weird” next time in our session because I’m so mad at her and I can’t tell her.  It’ll somehow show.  So … I write away.    On Monday evening I babysit my grandson in the waiting area while she sees my daughter and her boyfriend.  Sometimes she sees my little grandson too and we never know so I have to be there.  I’m so mad I don’t even want to look at her.  But she may not even notice, not that I should care anyway.  She only comes out into the waiting area once or twice and it’s only to get them – not me.  I’m hoping this anger will fade in time but I don’t know because every time I want to talk and can’t it’ll be there more & more.  Tomorrow I’m going to some kind of Dance/Health Fair put on by a local hospital with a friend.  I always worry about having to go to the bathroom a lot or being in a situation where I can’t make it in time and have an accident.  No!  No!  Just thinking about it scares me so that’s where I do my self talk.  I’ll be fine and if I’m not I’ll be able to handle it.  That’s what my therapist taught me and it works pretty well – especially before I go.  But sometimes, when I actually get there, I get scared again and wonder what I’m doing there.  Then I try distractions.  Sometimes they work, sometimes not.  I guess I’m still learning and I have to be patient – it takes time.  It’s Saturday and the Dance/Health Fair went fine.  When I needed to go to the bathroom I just went.  I shouldn’t care what they think.  Speaking of friends – I need to make more friends.  I’m getting so tired of this – the same house, the same family, the same friends, the same work, the same loneliness.  I need to work outside the home (I’m currently working inside my home), make more friends and do more socially.  My urinary problems get in the way and then I don’t.  I am a very friendly, sunshiney, outgoing person but I get afraid people will find out about my problem and won’t like me or want to be around me.  I get good ‘feedback’ from people normally, I think they like me, but I don’t stick around very long.  I can’t let them get closer for fear they will find out and not like the real me.  I don’t show anything on the outside – it’s just internally.  It’s hard for me to reach out to others.  In the past they have always come to me.  That’s difficult for me, too.  We went to see my little granddaughter in the hospital tonight.  She is the sweetest.  I get all the hugs anyone can possibly can give with the “I Missed You, Nana” over and over again.  I helped her put together a puzzle.  When I got there her hair was coming out of her ponytail holder.  I asked her if I could fix it better, that I’d fix it real pretty (I love fixing little girl’s hair and since my daughter is 30 now I get to relive it – fixed her hair every morning before school and yes she does remember in a good way).  Do you know what my little granddaughter replied to me by saying?  “Nana, you are already very pretty!”  She is just awesome and I hate it for her that she has to go through so much with her illnesses.  Please pray for her.  And, she really does have an awesome attitude.    So, tomorrow – Sunday – I will be getting together with my friends to plan our girl trip.  I just want everything to go well.  We did this last year and it was very nice.  I’m so much quicker and faster than them that sometimes I feel very impatient.  I know I need to slow down to their pace but there has to be some happy median there, too.  First I have to get through the family trip and then I’ll be talking more about my girl trip.  But I have the same concerns with both – my bladder problem both day and night.  It’s now Sunday night and our girl trip has been booked.  I’m excited but rather scared.  When they get excited – I do, too.  I just have to continue to work with my therapist to get through both these trips.  I’m still no happy with what she is doing.  She’s virtually taking this tape recorder thing away from me and not letting me talk which is so helpful to me and my therapy.  This is not a good time at all to do this.  It’s fine during that hour I’m with her – I can talk.  But I feel so alone and dropped for the rest of the week.  It doesn’t feel good at all and it’s hard to get through the week.