Bobby (2),
I will regret writing this. I'm sick even now. Half of me is screaming, clawing at my insides telling me to stop. Just hold down the back space button, shut my net book and go to sleep. Then the other half is speaking calmly, telling me it's okay to feel. It's okay to miss you. It's okay to wonder what you're doing and if you're happy doing it. The part that wonders if I should contact you or if I should have wished you a happy birthday. And when I think about that the screaming, fighting, bleeding part of me takes over. I am going to try to keep her quiet, and let the softer side of me speak. The part of me that cries every time I watch Spring Awakening and will go outside without shoes just because I can. I am going to try to keep the hurt in tonight. Try.
My anxiety and depression have been pretty bad lately. How've you been with all that stuff? Are you taking anything or seeing anybody? Probably not. You're probably still as stubborn as you ever were. Not letting 'pills control your life' and trying to coax me to do the same. Well I haven't been taking my pills, for months now. I don't know why.
I've been having nightmares too. Not the ones I used to have that I would tell you about. They're about love, death and rape mostly. I don't like the rape dreams. They feel so real. Like I was actually abused. You know I can't go anywhere without thinking someone is behind me and ready to attack me. Even tonight at Kail's, maybe someone would kick down the door and shove me down. make my nightmares a reality.
When I dream about love... I don't really understand it. I wake up and I'm confused. I feel like I have loved through a lifetime and I am exhausted. It's not always people that are my objects of affection; the stage, my non-existent children, a novel. Rarely ever a man. But when it is a man, I wake up and I feel like I should die. I feel stupid and careless and wrong. Like I should be punished. I guess somehow subconsciously I could connect that to you, or my dad.
I always end these so awkwardly. I just run out of things to say. Thoughts just run dry. I stop bleeding. 'Ghost of You' is playing.
I never know how to sign these either,
Hae Mae
My anxiety and depression have been pretty bad lately. How've you been with all that stuff? Are you taking anything or seeing anybody? Probably not. You're probably still as stubborn as you ever were. Not letting 'pills control your life' and trying to coax me to do the same. Well I haven't been taking my pills, for months now. I don't know why.
I've been having nightmares too. Not the ones I used to have that I would tell you about. They're about love, death and rape mostly. I don't like the rape dreams. They feel so real. Like I was actually abused. You know I can't go anywhere without thinking someone is behind me and ready to attack me. Even tonight at Kail's, maybe someone would kick down the door and shove me down. make my nightmares a reality.
When I dream about love... I don't really understand it. I wake up and I'm confused. I feel like I have loved through a lifetime and I am exhausted. It's not always people that are my objects of affection; the stage, my non-existent children, a novel. Rarely ever a man. But when it is a man, I wake up and I feel like I should die. I feel stupid and careless and wrong. Like I should be punished. I guess somehow subconsciously I could connect that to you, or my dad.
I always end these so awkwardly. I just run out of things to say. Thoughts just run dry. I stop bleeding. 'Ghost of You' is playing.
I never know how to sign these either,
Hae Mae
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